Things You Should NEVER Say to a Girl on a DATE
1. You're never far away from lotion. Not every lesbian wears makeup, so you may still have to bring an overnight bag with you sometimes, but if you're in need of lotion, oh, this girl's got you. Generally speaking, lesbians are a very soft people and should probably get some sort of lotion sponsorship.
2. Good luck finding someone with a better haircut. Straight cis boy hair is often one of two haircuts: "I need a haircut" or "I got too much of a haircut." Lesbian hair is either: "This is the coolest haircut ever and I know it and you know it" or "This is an incredibly weird haircut and yet you can't stop thinking about making out with me, can you? No, you cannot."
3. Back-up closet like whoa. Even if your girlfriend dresses in a completely different way than you do or has a completely different body type, she still probably has something for you to wear if you need it. And it will never be a pair of American Eagle cargo shorts with 19 holes in the crotch that look like bullet holes. Seriously, what the hell happens to straight cis men's cargo shorts?
4. Softest. Skin. Ever. Probably from all that readily available lotion, man. I am telling you. Even some of the butchest lesbians have that shit on lockdown.
5. You can tell each other anything and they'll actually understand. There's only so much that a cis guy can understand what you mean when you talk about sexism at work and how the first day of your period feels like an anvil is crushing your lower body and street harassment. When you're dating a girl, you can take all that time you'd spend explaining this shit to a guy and spend it on cuddling instead.
6. Body insecurities go away (almost). That's not to say that there aren't lesbians who will make you feel like shit about your body, because lesbians are people and some people (and therefore some lesbians) are assholes, but for the most part, the women you're dating know what cellulite is, they know where body hair grows, and they're not going to fault you for having the body of a human being.
7. You enjoy talking to each other just as much as you enjoy having sex with each other. Your life together is basically 50 percent talking and 50 percent fucking, and it rules.
8. Take a tampon, leave a tampon. The whole world if your spare change jar were full of tampons.
9. You can go to the same dressing room or gym showers, and no one cares. Which means you get bonus opportunities to make out with someone you're totally bananas about. So great.
10. People think you have amazing, otherworldly sex all the time. And they're mostly right. But also you lie around and eat snacks while watching TV, and that part is equally cool.
11. You can do each other's breast exams. And then have sex after because of all that boob touching, etc.
12. You can scream-sing dorky lesbian anthems together. What do you mean 3 a.m. isn't the perfect time to belt out Four Non Blondes' "What's Up"?
13. No one can make fun of and also defend The L Word with you like she can. You both know it's a complex show with a lot of good and a lot of bad, and somehow you've both seen every episode because there are, like, four shows on TV with lesbian characters and you get that.
14. You'll always have someone to braid your hair. Will the braid look like it was done by a drunken bird? Who the hell knows, but she'll at least give it a shot.
15. You tell her you have your period and she doesn't look the least bit fazed. Let's be honest, she probably already knew because your cycles are synced up. Yeah, you got it like that.
