Do narcissists make everything about them?

 Narcissists Make Everything So Damn Hard

• Conversational narcissism is the tendency to steer conversations back to yourself.
• It is a tactic narcissists use that the victims only notice when it makes them feel like they're going crazy, although people who aren't narcissistic can be guilty of it too.
• Rather than supporting the other person in what they say, they manipulate the conversation by shifting every point to be about them.
• "Because these conversations are never truly about you, the narcissist reinforces the belief that you are supposed to give, give, give to get an inch of their attention," said coach Cherlyn Chong. "Your role is to support, soothe, or even stroke their ego."
• This makes the victim feel like they have no voice, and it can be exhausting, frustrating, and confusing.
• Visit INSIDER's homepage for more stories.

Narcissists hate it when the focus is on other people. Occasional they emphasize and gloat about the achievements of the people they know, because they like to bask in the glory of being connected to them.

But they can only stand it for so long, and they usually prefer to dominate conversations with their own thoughts and opinions.

"Conversational narcissism" is a term coined by the sociologist Charles Derber, author of "The Pursuit of Attention: Power and Ego in Everyday Life." It described a tactic narcissists use that their victims only notice when it makes them feel like they're going crazy. But people who aren't narcissistic can be guilty of doing it too — just without the bad intentions.

Cherlyn Chong, a coach who helps professional women recover from toxic exes, told INSIDER conversational narcissism is the tendency to steer conversations back to yourself.

Read more: Smart, successful women may be more likely to get 'addicted' to toxic men than others

"The person then takes over most of the talking and makes it about them," she said. "For many people, this shift happens subtly and unconsciously, and most doing the shifting are unaware it is even occurring."

If you use the "support response" when talking to someone, the focus is kept on them. But conversational narcissism means people use the "shift response" as they try and claim that limelight for themselves.

For example, if someone says they have a headache, a support response would be "I feel you. Is it a headache? I have something for that," while a shift response is "Me too, I barely got any sleep last night because of the kids."

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Narcissists can take the shift response to the next level, said Chong. One, they "pepper the conversation with disinterested support responses," to give the illusion they are listening. And two, they shift 90% of the conversation towards them and their needs.

"Because these conversations are never truly about you, the narcissist reinforces the belief that you are supposed to give, give, give to get an inch of their attention," Chong said. "Your role is to support, soothe, or even stroke their ego."

They will probably even guilt-trip you if you try and make any of the conversation about you, or expressing yourself in any way. This keeps you "malleable and docile," Chong said, and "perfect for their manipulations."

It's a very subtle trick narcissists use to make their victims subservient, so it's unlikely you will immediately notice if it's happening to you. But if you feel cut off, denied, or frustrated talking to someone, this could be why.

"You'll feel like you have 'no voice' after a while, and might even feel doubtful about expressing yourself in other conversations," said Chong. "When you leave the conversation, you might feel a sense of something being unresolved or feel queasy in the stomach."

Don't be surprised if there is a little anger too, she added. "After all, you've just been invalidated."

Read more: Here's how victims of narcissists can use the 'gray rock' method when no contact isn't an option

Chong said the first step to getting your power back is realizing you have reason to be feeling the way you do — you're not being irrational. Secondly, you can then try and catch the attention when you feel it being taken from you.

A non-narcissistic person is more likely to understand they're steamrolling the conversation and back off a bit. A narcissist, however, won't be so willing to let the spotlight go.

"This will irritate the narcissist, but will lessen their control," Chong said. "Be level-headed and calm, and withdraw any form of support for them. If there is no energetic exchange, the narcissist cannot win."

In short, narcissists are bad listeners, and not allowing them to steal all the limelight will be uncomfortable for them. If they're being unbearably difficult, you can say you need a break and walk away.

"Doing so might result in the narcissist feeling confused, and they will leave you alone," said Chong.

How can I tell if my girlfriend has ADHD?

 ADHD in Girls: How to Recognize the Symptoms

When your daughter received her last report card, did the teacher comment on her excellent grades but also on her inability to pay attention in class? Do you ever catch your niece daydreaming instead of studying for her quiz? It may not seem like it, but these girls might be at risk for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Understanding ADHD in girls

It’s no secret that girls develop differently than boys. These differences aren’t just linked to how their bodies develop. They can also be seen in how their brains grow and develop. These developmental differences can make it harder to assess whether a girl is dealing with ADHD. ADHD is a brain disorder characterized by patterns of inattention or impulsive behavior. This behavior can interfere with day-to-day activities.

Because the symptoms of ADHD are different in girls, many girls aren’t properly diagnosed. This can prevent girls from getting the help that could positively improve their lives. It’s estimated that as many at 50 to 75 percent of cases of ADHD in girls are missed. Read more about the symptoms, how your child’s doctor can diagnose it, and what you can do to make sure your child gets help.

Signs and symptoms of ADHD in girls

One of the most common symptoms linked with ADHD is hyperactivity. Hyperactivity, fidgeting, and the inability to sit still are typical behaviors for boys dealing with the disorder. This isn’t always the case for girls with ADHD, though.

The following behaviors may indicate ADHD in girls:

• talking all the time, even when parents or teachers ask them to stop
• frequent crying, even from small disappointments
• constantly interrupting conversations or activities that include their friends
• trouble paying attention
• frequent daydreaming
• having a messy bedroom, desk, or backpack
• difficulty finishing assigned work

Girls may also be affected by ADHD if they experience:

• depression
• stress
• anxiety
• low self-esteem

It’s not known why ADHD presents differently in girls. These differences make the disorder harder to diagnose in girls. Sometimes, people recognize the symptoms but ignore them. Because of their varied nature, these symptoms may be written off as immature behavior or attributed to another disorder.

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Can ADHD lead to other conditions?

If ADHD remains undiagnosed, young girls may find it difficult to function in everyday situations. Things may become more difficult if girls internalize this behavior and blame themselves. This can lead them to become frustrated with themselves. These frustrations can become a problem for their mental health and schoolwork.

If the disorder is untreated, they may also experience a drop in grades or an inability to manage friendships. This can lead to low self-esteem. Low self-esteem is linked to bigger issues, such as depression, anxiety, and eating disorders.

Recent research has found that young women with ADHD are three to four times more likely to attempt suicide. They’re also two to three times more likely to engage in self-harm.

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How is ADHD diagnosed?

In many cases, ADHD in girls is often first noticed in the classroom. A teacher is most likely to bring up the possibility of ADHD because they see how a student interacts in the classroom and on the playground. Once the concern is shared with the parents, the parents are generally invited to meet with the teacher and school counselor to discuss next steps.

These steps may include you and your child’s teacher watching your child more closely. Your child’s counselor may also perform special testing. These tests may involve running through a checklist of symptoms and a medical exam to rule out anything else that may be causing these symptoms. Your child’s counselor will likely want to know the following:

• the severity of the symptoms
• when the symptoms started
• your child’s location when they have the symptoms, such as at school or at home

This will help determine what steps you and teachers can take to help your child.

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When to see a doctor

Make sure that after meeting with the teacher and school counselor, you have a detailed list of their concerns. You may also want to brainstorm a plan of action. This can help you coordinate efforts at home and school.

Your child’s doctor will want to review all concerns and perform an exam. At this time, the doctor will provide their diagnosis and discuss a treatment plan. Your child may later be referred to a child psychologist who specializes in ADHD in girls.

How is ADHD treated?

Sometimes, it’s necessary to combine different treatments.

It may be necessary for your child’s teacher to create an individualized teaching plan. This may include specific words or hand signals to remind your child to stay on task in class. Teachers may also focus on providing small tasks with easy-to-understand directions that will help your child slowly understand the bigger picture. It may also be beneficial to work with your child to remove clutter from the desk or backpack. Clearing away any additional messes can help limit distractions.

Following what teachers will do in the classroom, your doctor may suggest similar changes in the home. This may help the child overcome day-to-day struggles.

If your child is a candidate, your doctor may also prescribe medication to help them focus and manage other symptoms of ADHD.

The takeaway

If your child has ADHD, getting a proper diagnosis can improve their chances of better grades, better mental health, and better personal relationships. Although there’s no cure for ADHD, the right combination of treatments can help your child to live a happy, healthy, and productive life.

Last medically reviewed on April 7, 2016

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Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, Ph.D., CRNP — Written by Jerisha Parker Gordon — Updated on December 16, 2016

What should you not say to someone with ADHD?

 10 THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO SOMEONE WITH ADHD

You want to say things that help and encourage your child. But sometimes, you may make comments that have the opposite effect without even knowing it. Here are six common examples of things not to say to your child with ADHD —and what you can say instead.

1. “Having ADHD isn’t an excuse.”

The reality: ADHD isn’t an excuse, but it’s often an explanation for things that kids do or don’t do. ADHD impacts self-control . It makes it hard to manage emotions and think ahead. So, kids with ADHD often can’t control their actions—or the outcome.

Why not to say it: It’s one thing if your child does something bad on purpose. But if that’s not the case, you’re sending the message that whatever happened, it’s your child’s fault.

What to say instead: “Can you explain how this happened? What could have you done differently?”

2. “Everyone gets distracted sometimes.”

The reality: While most people lose focus once in a while, kids with ADHD do it regularly. They’re easily distracted —and it often lands them in trouble at school, with friends, or at home.

Why not to say it: You may be trying to make your child feel less alone. But this comment can backfire since unlike other kids, your child gets distracted most of the time.

What to say instead: “Everyone has things they struggle with. You’re not alone.”

3. “ADHD will make you more creative.”

The reality: A few studies suggest that ADHD may lead some people to think outside the box and embrace new ideas. But there isn’t evidence that ADHD makes people more creative .

Why not to say it: Even if this were true, what if your child isn’t especially creative? This comment raises an unrealistic expectation. It’s another way your child can “fall short.”

What to say instead: “It’s great to have strengths and passions . Let’s explore the things you’re interested in and love doing.”

4. “If you can focus on fun things, you can focus on work.”

The reality: Kids who usually can’t focus often hyperfocus on things they’re really interested in or that are very urgent. It has to do with how the brain functions in people with ADHD.

Why not to say it: Kids with ADHD can’t control their ability to focus. This comment makes it seem like a choice. It could make it seem like you don’t believe your child has trouble focusing.

What to say instead: “You need to do your work even if it’s hard to focus on it. You can take breaks if you need to.”

5. “You’ll outgrow ADHD.”

The reality: ADHD is a lifelong condition. But symptoms often lessen as kids get older, especially hyperactivity. And there are strategies and treatments that can help.

Why not to say it: First, it’s not true. Second, it could set up your child for disappointment. Third, having false expectations gets in the way of becoming self-aware and able to .

What to say instead: “Lots of times, ADHD becomes less of a problem as kids get older. And there are things we can do right now to make things easier.”

6. “Nobody needs to know you have ADHD.”

The reality: If people don’t know, they can’t help and support your child. Instead, they may be judgmental and critical about behavior they don’t understand.

Why not to say it: This comment doesn’t “protect” kids. Instead, it can isolate them. And it could send the message that ADHD is something to be ashamed of, and that people will respond badly.

What to say instead: “You don’t need to keep your ADHD a secret. Telling people you trust can be a big help.”