When confronted with contrary beliefs about their perceived importance or grandiosity, the narcissist receives an injury. This injury causes the narcissist to respond with rage. Being on the receiving end of this rage can produce feelings ranging from anxiety to downright terror. Therefore, it is extremely important that your response does not trigger more anger from the narcissist.
If you’d like to speak with a therapist about the ways in which narcissistic anger and rage are impacting your life, click here. Find a therapist who specializes in dealing with narcissism and connect with them online at a day and time that’s convenient for you. Getting started is free, easy, and confidential.
What Is Narcissism?
Narcissism is a term used to describe a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). NPD is characterized by an inflated sense of self or grandiosity, an excessive need for admiration and attention, trouble maintaining relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. 4 These individuals ego’s are highly sensitive to criticism. They are deceptive and insecure. There is no cure for NPD.
What Is Narcissistic Rage?
Narcissistic rage occurs when the negative feedback that a narcissist receives causes great discomfort and their defense mechanisms are activated. The rage associated with a narcissistic injury ranges from mild irritation to outright physical attacks. At minimal, some will gaslight, deflect, project, verbally assault, and/or disengage. Depending on the severity of the injury, others can become physically aggressive, becoming incredibly dangerous.
8 Triggers of Narcissistic Rage
There are eight common ways narcissist rage can be triggered:3
- The narcissist doesn’t get his or her way, even when it’s unreasonable
- The narcissist is criticized in some way, even when the critique is made diplomatically, reasonably, and constructively
- The narcissist isn’t treated as the center of attention, even when there are other priorities
- The narcissist is caught breaking rules, violating social norms, or disregarding boundaries
- The narcissist is asked to be accountable for his or her actions
- The narcissist suffers a blow to his or her idealized, egotistical self-image (such as when being told he will not be given “exception to the rule”, or be granted “special treatment”)
- The narcissist is reminded of his or her charade, manipulation, exploitation, inadequacy, shame, or self-loathing
- The narcissist feels (fears) not in control of their relational or physical surroundings
What Is Narcissistic Injury?
Narcissistic injury occurs when a narcissist thinks their self-esteem or self-worth are threatened.3 The narcissist’s false self is exposed, causing distress that leads to narcissistic rage. Narcissistic injury, narcissistic wound, and narcissistic blow are interchangeable terms.
The term narcissistic injury dates back to Sigmund Freud. He suggested that, “loss of love and failure leave behind them a permanent injury to self-regard in the form of a narcissistic scar … reflecting the full extent to which he has been ‘scorned.'”1 However, it was the work of Edmund Bergler that highlighted the importance of childhood connections to the adult caretaker and how the lack of such connection can cause narcisism—and the rage that flows.1
Why Do Narcissists React This Way?
Once given a dose of their own medicine, narcissists will become emotionally, verbally, psychologically, and/or physically abusive. One reason they respond this way is they recognize that direct exposure is happening and discovery of their false identity is being threatened. In order to keep their true selves secret, narcissists will “blow up” to deflect from the true issues.
Another reason they respond this way is because they are extremely sensitive individuals with very low self-esteem. When their shortcomings are pointed out, they become defensive and frustrated. Their delusions of grandeur are put on display and their inadequacies are highlighted. Let’s be honest, no one wants to be reminded of what they lack, however, the response from the narcissist is usually abnormal and can be dangerous.
Typical Response to Offense vs. Narcissistic Rage
The methods by which the narcissist uses to enact revenge are different from “normal“ anger. It is not equal to the offense or perceived offense—the level of rage is unreasonable, and incredibly passive-aggressive. If you cause injury to a narcissist’s ego, there will be consequences.
While anger is a natural reaction to an annoying event; the irrational responses from a narcissistic like an erupting volcano melting one’s self-worth. Any mild disagreement or negative remark can trigger feelings of rejection, mockery, or criticism or all three. This sense of betrayal or attack put the narcissist on guide – resulting in full on combat. So, let’s get ready to rumble! The first line of attack will be brutal shouting, screaming, and ridiculous accusations against the victim. They may project how they feel and think about themselves onto you. For example, the victim may be accused of cheating, being selfish, or dishonest. Narcissist often contradict themselves as they are unable to regulate their thoughts and emotions.
10 Ways to Avoid Narcissistic Rage
Walk away! When you see that the narcissist is enraged, do not continue engaging them. Physically distance yourself from them as far away as possible. Ignore them and avoid any interaction with them. Set your boundaries and remember, they are master manipulators, so don’t fall for the magical epiphanies or revelations. Show empathy and validation, if possible, but it’s best to remove yourself completely from the interaction.
Here are 10 tips to help you when faced with narcissistic rage:
1. Establish Your Boundaries
Firmly state your boundaries and stick to them. Remove yourself from the situation and disengage completely. Tell the narcissist that you would be willing to discuss the situation once they have calmed down and are open to a more positive discussion. Consistently establishing and sticking to your boundaries will let the narcissist know that their manipulative tactics do not work on you. Once you deviate from your established boundaries, the narcissist will continue their abuse.
2. Stay Calm
This is for your own well being. The narcissist enjoys seeing you rattled and upset. Make every effort to stay calm. Try meditation—it can help you to slow down your breathing, racing thoughts and anxieties, creating a sense of detachment from the narcissistic drama. Counting down, refocusing, or finding your ‘happy place’ will keep you calm when faced with narcissistic rage.
3. Don’t Overreact to the Narcissist’s Rage
The narcissist gets joy from watching you react or overreact to their rage. They know that you are experiencing great discomfort and anxiety. Don’t feed their need for supply. No reaction is the best course of action.
4. Empathize With the Narcissist & Validate Their Viewpoint
Try to understand the narcissist’s point and empathize with them. By agreeing with some of their points, you give the narcissist a sense of validation. Do this without being condescending or obvious, to avoid enraging the narcissist. You have the ability to defuse their rage by agreeing with the key points for the moment, until a later time when you can actually discuss the issue and share your viewpoint.
5. Physically Distance Yourself
Once you see that the narcissist has become enraged, you should immediately remove yourself physically from the narcissist’s presence. Go to another room or office. Go outside or exit the car. With narcissistic rage, you can never be too careful.
6. Don’t Raise Your Voice
Narcissists are often triggered by aggressive actions and tones. To avoid or discourage their rage, don’t threaten or challenge them with an assertive voice.
7. Take a Break
Pause and explain to the narcissist that you need time to think about what they are saying. This also validates the narcissist’s point of view because you are taking time to understand them.
8. Remember This Is Not About You
Of course this isn’t about you. Everything is about the narcissist, their wants, and their needs. No matter how much they blame you, it is about them and their perceptions. Everything is always about the narcissist. When you understand this, it is easier to deal with them and the narcissistic tactics that come along with them.
9. Understanding Where the Fault Lies
Remember, this isn’t about you, no matter how much the narcissist tries to blame you. This is about the narcissists, their insecurities, low self-esteem, and inadequacies. Blaming you gives them an ‘out’—in essence, you are the person with the problem, not them. Avoiding blame helps to establish their grandiose mentality, their self-importance, and their superiority complex.
Victims of narcissistic abuse tend to blame themselves for the rage given by the narcissist, often finding reasons why their behavior led to the rage. Understand that this is a personality disorder that has nothing to do with you. It was probably established well before they met you. There is nothing within you that you need to fix in order to appease the narcissist. This is not your fault. They have an insatiable appetite for attention and there is nothing you can do about it.
10. Follow through
Establishing boundaries and following through are key to stopping narcissistic abuse and rage. Actions speak louder than words.The narcissist does not listen to your words, but they pay very close attention to your actions. Being steadfast, assertive, and bold with our actions is essential to overpowering their abuse and tempering their rage.
Understanding narcissism, narcissistic injury, and narcissistic rage and how to respond appropriately is critical when you are in a relationship with a narcissist. Stick to your needs and don’t give in. Any evidence of weakness is all the narcissist needs to try to conquer you. Fight back, but fight smart. Research in great detail. The more you know, the better equipped you are to deal with these individuals.
Final Thoughts on Narcissistic Rage
Narcissist rage is 100% about the narcissist ego, not the victim. You cannot control how they act, feel, or respond but you can control how you act and respond to them. If you think you have or are suffering from narcissistic injury you can seek help from a licensed, trained mental health professional.
Additional Resources
- MentalHealth.gov
- NarcissistAbuseSupport.com
- Online Therapist Directory: Sort therapists by specialty, cost, availability and more. Watch intro videos and see articles written by the therapists you’re considering working with. When you’ve found a good match, book an online therapy appointment with them directly.
If you’d like to speak with a therapist about the ways in which narcissistic anger are impacting your life, click here. Find a therapist who specializes in narcissists and recovering from relationships with narcissists. Connect with them online at a day and time that’s convenient for you. Getting started is free, easy, and confidential.
