Staying friends with your ex is a highly personal decision. For some people, once the pain and frustration of a breakup is over, they realize they still have a great deal of platonic affection for their ex — or they reach the conclusion that they simply work better as friends than as a couple. Others have a scorched earth policy, where once they've broken up with somebody, they either don't want or simply can't see a way to change the nature of the relationship in order to keep that person in their life.
But as clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula points out, narcissists often have a habit of staying in contact with their exes in a way that is solely about their own needs.
"The central motivator for narcissists is validation," she explains. "And an ex is often a really interesting place to get it... They constantly need that fresh narcissistic supply, and they kind of know what an ex's supply is like."
A narcissist may well try to frame this character trait as virtuous or evolved to their current partner, when in fact, they're just looking after their "gravy train" of validation. And for the ex, it can result in them getting dragged back into the same old patterns. "It can be years where you still get caught up in that mental gamesmanship and sort of hypnosis of being in one of these relationships," says Durvasula. "So when they do a side love bomb on you, while they're still in a relationship with someone else, you can feel all that excitement you did when you were originally love bombed."
There are a couple of other factors that feed into this behavior. For one, narcissists often struggle with abandonment issues. "They're struggling with a core insecurity," she says. "If we're solid in our sense of self, we may miss someone, but we won't feel that primitive sense of abandonment. Narcissists can have that sense, especially if the person they used to be in a relationship with is someone they value: someone who is rich, powerful, attractive, much younger than them, or something that gave them some extra superficial cachet."
And finally, Durvasula adds, narcissists just really love having secrets. "For narcissists, secrets are power," she says. "It's a little bit of currency, or a weapon they can take out down the road. It makes them feel like they're getting away with something, and fuels their grandiosity."
That isn't to say Durvasula believes everyone who stays in contact with an ex is a narcissist; it's the secrecy and manipulation that go along with it that are the big problems. "As long as it's transparent, above board, healthy, and there's no microcheating going on, I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing," she says.
