If you’re dealing with a narcissist then you’re dealing with a liar. Narcissists are liars. Lying is just one of those traits that cannot be pulled out of their personality.
Remember that narcissists have no inner sense of value because of the trauma that they survived during childhood. As children, narcissists were not able to get their needs and wants met so they have drawn the conclusion that in order to get what it is they need and want, they must manipulate and control others. Lying is just one of the things that they do to manipulate and control others.
Since narcissists are trying to control everything in their lives, they are capable and likely to lie about everything in their lives. They’ll even lie about things that are readily verifiable. Because of this, it will be easy to catch a narcissist in a lie; however, it will not be easy to confront them.
It’s important to remember that the last thing you will receive is an honest apology. If they do apologize, it will only be for self-seeking reasons. If you do catch them in a lie and confront them, you will nearly always receive one of, what we call, the Four D’s.
Narcissists can and will lie about everything they need to in order to get their needs and wants met. Some of the most common lies you will hear from them are as follows.
“I promise.” The narcissist will like to make a lot of empty promises. They will promise to take care of this, to do that, to be faithful to you, to show up on time. They will even promise you the impossible. They will make these promises in order to appease you in the moment but will rarely ever live up to these promises. If they do, it will solely be because they think it will help with keeping you under their control.
“It’s not my fault.” The narcissist will absolutely never accept fault or acknowledge their wrongdoings. If they do verbalize any form of accountability for their actions, it will solely be for the purpose of keeping you calm and content with them. Remember that even if they do this, they don’t actually mean it.
“Don’t worry.” The narcissist will nearly always tell you not to worry in response to your expressions of concern. They always want to be left to do what they want to do. If they sense that you might get in the way of their quest, they will convince you not to worry about it. You should definitely not believe them. Trust your gut. If you feel worried, you should probably be worried.
Another way they will deceive you is through gaslighting. In short, they will use lies in order to make you think that you are crazy. This is their way of breaking you down so you are more dependent upon them. If you are beginning to question your sanity, it is nearly always because you have been gaslit.
The Four D’s
If you catch a narcissist in a lie and confront them, you will definitely face at least one of the Four D’s. They will either deny, deflect, devalue, and/or dismiss you.
Deny.
“It wasn’t me.”
“I didn’t do that.”
“That’s not what happened.”
They will deny any and all of your allegations.
Deflect.
“You did this.”
“This happened because someone else did this.”
“Someone else dropped the ball.”
They will deflect the blame onto someone else- including you.
Devalue.
“This is your fault.”
“You are the problem.”
“You caused this.”
“You have done x,y, and z to cause this.”
“Your past solicited this.”
“I did this because of you.”
In addition to deflecting blame, they will devalue you and make you wish you had never confronted them. Devaluing is a huge part of the narcissistic relationship. When it comes to devaluing you, catching them in a lie will be no different than dealing with any other conflict.
Dismiss.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Can we just move on.”
“I don’t want to talk about this right now.”
“Just forget it.”
They will sweep everything that is important to you under the rug. Your feelings won’t be acknowledged or valued. They will do this in order to keep you under their control and to remain in the driver’s seat.
