Toxic Talking---People Who TALK Too Much (Ask A Shrink)
YOU talk too much.
Even if you think you don't, you do, says Simpsons writer Rob Lazebnik.
In a piece for the Wall Street Journal Mr Lazebnik implored people to take a simple test:
"After your next long conversation with someone, estimate what percentage of it you spent talking. Be honest. No, you're already underestimating. How do I know? Because it's more fun to talk than to listen. Talking is like drinking a great cabernet. Listening is like doing squats.
"Add another 20 per cent to your total.
"If you talked more than 70 per cent of the time, you jabber too much."
Mr Lazebnik, whose son has Asperger's syndrome, has learnt a lot about conversational dynamics. And while he may be generalising a little too broadly when he says that everyone talks too much, there are a lot of people out there who don't realise how much they are jabbering.
Who talks too much?
Social psychologist Gemma Cribb says the people who are most likely to be over-talkers are:
• People with Asperger's-type disorders.
• People who are anxious and babble out of nerves, trying to please the person they are talking to.
• Narcissists, who think that what they have to say is very important and entertaining.
Clinical psychologist Bob Montgomery says some people grow up with the "bad habit" of talking without listening.
This is a problem, because communication problems often underlie many other problems people have in their relationships.
"One of the most powerful communication skills you'll learn is good listening," Dr Montgomery said. "Communication is meant to promote understanding. You can't wind up understanding each other if you're not actively listening."
And if you are trying to convince somebody of something, listening is a much more powerful tool than talking.
"Listening actually strengthens your influence. Showing you're willing to hear the other person means you've then bought the right to offer your opinion or make your request," Dr Montgomery.
Oh god. Please. Stop. Talking. Picture: Warner BrosSource:Supplied
Stop butting in
Another bad habit people develop is cutting people off.
"People often butt in if they're frightened something's going to be said that they don't like or don't agree with," he said.
But it's much better to validate what the other person is saying before you disagree with them.
"Show them 'I can see that's how you feel'. It doesn't mean you agree but it's how you show respect. Then you've bought the right to be heard because you've shown you understand where they are coming from."
Communication and leadership coach Margot Halbert says people often butt in when other people are trying to explain their problems.
"As soon as we share a challenge people immediately want to go in to tell advice," Ms Halbert, from Positive Persuasion, said.
"But rather than just giving someone advice, ask three questions about their challenge."
This makes people feel as though you really understand their problem, and all you have done is ask questions.
Why people talk too much
Ms Halbert says people who talk too much lack personal awareness.
"They haven't emotionally evolved to understand about rapport and being interesting. And people do all sorts of things when nervous," she said.
If you're still not convinced that listening and asking questions will make you a better communicator, have a think about the people you are jabbering at.
"All they do is get focused on how they hell can I escape this person. Or they quickly look around for other people they can drag in so they can get out," Ms Halbert said.
"That's why people have got to look for visual clues. If people are disengaged, they start looking around, looking at their watch, looking at the floor. If they were really engaged and interested they'd be looking at you."
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