Does Age Matter? | Best Age Gap For A Successful Relationship
What is the best age gap between boyfriend and girlfriend?
hen you begin dating someone new, there's a wide range of things you probably consider to determine compatibilities, such as values, attraction, personality, and interests. But there's one thing you may not have taken into consideration that's worth giving a little thought to: your age gap. While it's true that a relationship age gap of 10 years or more can increase your chances of having marital problems, is there an ideal age gap for setting yourself up for success in the relationship department?
As it turns out, science tells us there is an ideal age difference in a relationship that can increase your chances for everlasting love, and it's a lot smaller than you might have thought.
But whether you're still on the market or you've found "the one," you know there's no exact recipe for a successful relationship. A happy and healthy relationship is dictated by the people in it, and there are many factors that contribute to its long-term success. We all know that the best things in life don't come without putting in a little work, and love is no exception.
Keep scrolling to discover the ideal age gap for long-term happiness, and also why you shouldn't let it scare you.
The Ideal Age Gap in Relationships
According to a study in the Journal of Population Economics, marital satisfaction decreases more significantly in couples with a larger age gap compared to couples with more similar ages.1
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Couples with a zero to three-year age difference showed greater satisfaction than those with a four- to six-year gap. Likewise, couples with a four- to six-year gap showed greater satisfaction than those with a seven-plus year gap. In general, marital satisfaction decreased as the age difference increased. One theory supported by evidence provided in the study is that differently aged couples are less resilient to negative shocks in the relationship, including both economic hardship and illness.
Although not specifically tested for, other life cycle-related factors including children and retirement were mentioned.1
It's also worth noting that, on average, both men and women showed greater levels of marital satisfaction when married to younger partners than those with partners older than them, regardless of the age gap. However, that initial higher satisfaction seemed to dissipate after six to 10 years of marriage.1
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The Counterpoint to Consider
Bear in mind that these statistics simply try to identify and analyze relationship patterns, not create them. Also, the sample size was relatively small with only 3,374 couples studied. With all things in life, there are always going to be exceptions to the rule.
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Rather, studies like these simply lend legitimacy to the idea that the age difference in relationships can also equate to significant differences in interests, lifestyle, and long-term goals between partners. Happiness among couples with various age differences has been the subject of several studies over the years, and the findings vary vastly depending on outside factors that are difficult to account for.
Making it work is really about having enough in common to bond, enough difference to learn from each other, and similar views on partnerships.
None of this is to say that you should swipe left on someone who you think you might connect with because they might be four, seven, or 10 years older than you. But if you're having problems connecting on shared interests in your relationship and you have a considerable age gap between you, you might want to examine if that will impact your long-term potential.
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MEET THE EXPERT
Jenna Birch is a health and lifestyle journalist. Her work appears frequently in print and online publications including Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Self, Teen Vogue, Marie Claire, Psychology Today, Health, Women's Health, and Yahoo!, among many others. She is also the author of The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win in Life & Love (Grand Central Life & Style, January 2018), a dating guide for modern women trying to navigate today’s complicated romantic landscape.
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Theresa E. DiDonato, Ph.D. is a social psychologist and associate professor at Loyola University Maryland. Her research interests focus on different aspects of romantic relationships, from factors that contribute to romantic attraction (e.g., humor) and relationship satisfaction (e.g., forgiveness) to how the self-concept changes in relationship participation or dissolution.
What to Ask Before Committing
If you've found someone you really click with, it's understandable that you'd be hesitant to break things off simply because of the difference in your age. After all, maturity is relative and can be measured in more than just years. "Making it work is really about having enough in common to bond, enough difference to learn from each other, and similar views on partnerships," says journalist and author Jenna Birch. But before you make any major decisions, try answering these questions to make sure you and your partner are on the same page in as many ways as possible.
What goals do you have for your life? Think about your future goals and what you envision for your life. Things like careers, children, finances and other major life events are worth having an honest conversation about.
What common interests do you share? These will become even more important as you grow older together. Develop your shared hobbies and interests, as they can strengthen your connection when an age gap may create distance.
Do your values and morals match up? This may seem like an obvious one, but dig deeper than just general good nature. Tackle touchy subjects that could lead to conflict in the future, like politics and religion.
Are you willing to compromise? An important aspect of any healthy relationship is the ability to compromise, but even more so when your partner is in a different stage of life than you are.
Are you resilient to outside opinions? As social psychologist Theresa DiDonato points out, "Research suggests that age-gap couples should be prepared to encounter negative bias."2
So if you're someone who is more sensitive to unsolicited opinions, be ready to field questions and comments that you may find annoying or downright rude.
Ultimately, like with any healthy relationship, being open and honest with each other is the best way to prepare for future discord. Focus on ways to prevent the difference in your ages from creating a divide between you, and recognize that you may be at different stages of your life at any given time, and that's okay. Mutual respect and open communication will go a long way in bridging any gap.
You may be familiar with the "divide their age by two and add seven" equation for figuring out if the person you're into is too old for you to date. This test supposedly calculates the youngest age that it is appropriate for a person to have a romantic relationship with. So if you're 23 and your crush is 38, the numbers say it's a no-go. Wait until you're 26, however, and you can start hooking up with 38-year-olds. It's a silly "rule," and it doesn't appear to have any science behind it. The ideal age gap in a relationship is actually much smaller than you might think.
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Celebrity couples like George and Amal Clooney (17 years apart) and Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds (11 years) show that there are definitely exceptions to the conclusion below. Power couple Beyoncé and Jay Z are a surprising 12 years apart. Of course, it's not a hard and fast rule, and there are always going to be outliers. The data that is available on the subject of age gaps in relationships is still fairly limited, and the intention of these researchers is more about understanding relationship trends than making a concrete claim about the ideal age gap between partners.
According to a 2014 study from Emory University, couples with a one-year age difference have a mere three percent chance of getting divorced. When you bump the age gap up to five years, the chance of divorce goes up to 18 percent. A 10-year difference is 39 percent, and a 20-year age gap has a jaw-dropping 95 percent chance of ending in divorce. Researchers analyzed over 3,000 couples for the study, and found that the larger the age gap between a couple, the more likely they are to get divorced.
So it seems that a one-year age gap is the ideal difference in a romantic relationship. Of course, couples with a one-year age difference can and do still go through breakups and divorces. Hugo Mialon, one of the researchers behind the study, addressed the fact that while this data shows correlation, it doesn't necessarily imply causation. "It could just be that the types of couples with those characteristics are the types of couples who are, on average, more likely to divorce for other reasons," he said, according to The Independent.
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Research conducted by Christian Rudder, co-founder of OkCupid, suggests that female users tend to look for men around their age, or maybe a year or two older. Men, however, prefer women in their early 20s, regardless of their own age. This choice may not be ideal for a lasting relationship, as the data from Emory shows.
Right Age (& Age Difference) for Marriage
The overall success of any relationship depends on a few basic components: shared values and beliefs, healthy communication and conflict resolution, trust, intimacy, and the ability to support one another's goals. None of these behaviors have much to do with age, although a large age difference between two people can mean different views of the world and thus the relationship.
Studies show that a one-year age difference is ideal, and that a larger age gap can definitely challenge a couple. Just remember that age is not necessarily an indicator of relationship success or failure — there are a number of other factors to consider. Ultimately, a big age gap between you and your partner doesn't doom your relationship, but it does mean that you both might have to work a little bit harder to feel on the same page. And that's OK — every relationship requires at least a little bit of effort.
This post was originally published on July 4, 2018. It was updated on Aug. 16, 2019 by Elite Daily Staff.
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Successfully soft-launching your relationship on Instagram is an art form. The careful angle of the photo, the positioning of the two dinner plates, the “date night” caption without any more details... it all adds up to a nearly perfect marketing strategy that provokes just the right amount of intrigue and suspense. But that’s only part of the soft launch’s appeal. It’s a form of preemptive damage control, a way of avoiding full vulnerability — with yourself, your partner, and your followers.
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As with many aspects of romantic relationships, there can be serious feelings and insecurities behind the fun. First dates can be nerve-racking. First kisses can be stressful — even if they’re great. And first IG stories aren’t the exception to this rule. Dr. Daryl Johnson, Ph.D., psychologist and couples therapist, explains, “I think a big part of the reason couples soft-launch rather than sharing [their relationship] directly is the game of it all and to keep people guessing. But it could also feel like you're testing the waters with this person, and while you want the world to know, you aren't sure how far you guys will go.”
Whether it’s out of self-preservation, an aversion to social media, or concerns about the budding relationship, plenty of people are reluctant to share the details of their love life with the world. “There can be a lot of social embarrassment for bringing up someone all the time if it doesn't work out,” Jared Freid, co-host of Betches’ U Up? podcast, explains.
Soft launches are a way to avoid that hurt for as long as possible. Each phase of the soft launch is one step closer to that vulnerability — exposure therapy with a digital twist. Per Freid, even on IG stories, “It is vulnerable to put yourself out there.” So yes, the process has the potential to make even the calmest dater a little uneasy, but it’ll also help you get used to that feeling. That way, when the time comes for a feed post, it won’t feel quite so overwhelming.
You aren’t just testing yourself, however. According to Freid, soft launches are really are a three-pronged balancing act between yourself, your partner, and your followers. Every Instagram story is an opportunity to gauge reactions, both yours and theirs. “You're making sure to do this a little by little so there's less to clean up if things go bad,” he explains.
That cleanup can be surface-level. (Chances are, you won’t have to delete a post that disappears after 24 hours anyway.) But Freid says soft launches are often about “your emotional state that you're protecting because you don't want to get too far along.” In the wake of a breakup, you might feel particularly grateful that your former relationship’s digital footprint remained small.
Suffice to say, soft launches are complicated, and they can feel scary! But they don’t have to be a source of stress. Here’s a five-step guide to making your soft launch as easy as clicking “Post to Story.”
What is the best age difference for husband and wife?
01
Post Your Date On IG Stories
Wondering how to soft launch your relationship on Instagram? Try this guide.
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The soft launch usually takes place over Instagram stories, but it isn’t exclusively an IG phenomenon. And depending on the medium, the first step of the soft launch might vary. Freid explains, “I think IG stories is the best place for it to happen, but it's also happening on Snapchat stories as well. It happens on Twitter, too. Their tweets all of a sudden are not about the difficulties of dating. All of a sudden, they're about second dates.”
But since Instagram stories are generally the soft launch’s best friend, here’s how to frame one successfully. The next time you hang out with your new partner, snap a picture of your date night setup. Some examples: two glasses of wine with a big bowl of popcorn, two dinner plates, two show tickets. Really, two of anything will get the message across.
It may be tempting to include your SO in that first pic, but unless you want a hard launch, resist it. Freid explains, “It’s testing the person you're with. I think it's a lot about seeing how they react to it. You put the two plates on stories and you see, ‘OK, they're OK with that. Can I go a little further?’ It's a test of where you are as a couple.”
That simple test can reveal a lot. “I think it makes you more attracted to the person [if they’re] excited that you put their fingernail on your Instagram story. It’s kind of exciting,” Freid adds. Of course, the reverse could happen; they might feel uncomfortable being on your page, which is why it’s important to have a conversation before taking the soft launch further.
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02
Check In With Your Partner And Yourself
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Before posting anything identifiable about your SO on Instagram — like more obvious than two wine glasses — you should talk about it. Johnson recommends “hav[ing] a conversation with your partner to get on the same page regarding social media behaviors.” This is particularly important if the soft launch feels one-sided, aka they’re not posting photos of you.
Johnson explains, “Some people have their reasons for not posting their partner so it's a good idea to come to an agreement on how you two will navigate this.” So before you start reading into their lack of social media attention, have that conversation. No matter what their explanation, it should give you some clarity.
The conversation doesn’t have to be a heavy heart-to-heart, either. You can easily bring up the subject while taking a picture. Freid suggests saying, "OK, we are going to put our hands on the table.” For your new boo, this moment lets them weigh in on how they feel about IG PDA; for you, it’s a chance to gauge their reaction.
Having that conversation means getting rid of some of the ambiguity that’s inherent in these early stages of a relationship. Freid adds, “Everything up until then, there's some bluffing, there's some eye contact, [there’s wondering,] ‘Are they where I am? Am I where they are?’"
Facing that vulnerability slightly more head-on can be scary. Freid explains, “In relationships, everyone seems to be communicating in a way that will be least disastrous to their mental health. That's what we're protecting. It's very human. On U Up?, we get a lot of questions, and they’re mostly asking for a way to have a relationship with someone without being vulnerable.”
Hence, the allure of the soft launch. It’s a more gradual introduction to a fully public relationship. Although it doesn’t completely save you from baring your soul, it does give a nice cushion of ambiguity and plenty of opportunities for you and your SO to talk through your feelings.
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03
Share A Photo Of Their Hand Or Profile
If the first IG story goes well, you can move on to a slightly less ambiguous post. This time, your SO should be in it, but only vaguely: it’s their hand, their side profile, a shot from the back; the less identifiable, the better. And you definitely don’t need to tag them in the post (at least, not visibly).
According to Johnson, this is the most common — or, at least, the most recognizable — version of the soft launch. “The photo has just enough in it to make everyone else wonder, ‘Who is this person?’ and communicates, ‘I'm with someone.’”
And yes, this is why having a conversation is so important. Everyone has a right to be as active or nonactive on social media as they’d like, and some people might not want their face (yes, even if it’s in shadow!) on the ‘gram.
This phase of the soft launch might last for one day or several weeks (or more), depending on how your relationship develops. The most important thing is to keep an eye on how you feel. Does the thought of sharing this person with your followers make you happy or anxious? How do you feel when the DMs come in? Are you excited to answer them or dreading it?
If you (and your partner) are still comfortable with the soft launch, carry on.
04
Post A Not-So-Subtle Caption
After checking in with your partner, you can start hinting at your relationship in the captions of your feed posts, too (or your tweets, TikToks, and so on).
Something like, “The perfect date night,” or “A good time with a great person,” will work. Yes, these ambiguous captions are cheesy, but they get the message across. Keeping it cryptic — especially in the beginning of a relationship — can be enjoyable. Freid explains, “The ambiguity is what ends up being the most fun and the most exciting part.”
Just keep this phase limited to pictures without your partner. Don’t worry, that step’s coming!
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05
The Feed Post, AKA The Hard Launch
According to Freid, soft launches are really like a “person dancing around like, ‘Hey, I really like you. I'm going to post a picture of us on our feed because I love this picture of us and I really like you.’”
The hard launch trades that dance for a new one. As Johnson explains, “It’s not official until its IG-Official.” And if your partner is playing a significant part in your day-to-day life, it only makes sense to share that on your socials. “Your feed is really [reflective of] where you are in life,” Freid explains.
For this final step, you can include your partner’s face (!!!) and tag them. A clever caption poking fun at the soft launch is also in order — something like, “Introducing [insert their name],” is always cute. (Plus, even though this feed post seems permanent, it can always be archived later if things go south.)
06
Bonus: Soft-Launching A Breakup
Soft launching your breakup is the reverse of soft launching your relationship.
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If your current SO doesn’t end up being your forever person, you can also soft-launch your breakup. Although admittedly less fun than soft-launching your relationship, revealing your breakup is small, subtle steps can make the painful process easier. (Plus, it can give your friends and followers a heads up to stop asking about your ex.)
Archiving your loved-up posts and editing your old captions might make you feel better, but unless you’re a celebrity, most people probably won’t notice. “It's way quieter to delete a post than to put one up. People do a little bit of a cleansing... but no one's watching. It's more human to go, ‘Who's the leg in your pic?’ than it is to go, ‘Some of your pictures are missing,’” Freid explains.
So if you want people to know about your breakup without having to actually tell them, it’s time to reverse the relationship soft launch. “Sentimental stuff, vague quotes... That's the soft launch of a breakup, especially if it doesn't end well,” Freid explains.
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Sharing a couple of posts to your IG story about finding “true happiness” or “embracing your independence” should do the trick — and help you avoid a few uncomfortable conversations.
Whether you’re soft-launching the beginning of a relationship or the end of one, keep in mind that when it comes to your relationship status, the only people on a need-to-know basis are you and your partner. That doesn’t mean that these soft launches don’t matter: they definitely do.
Embracing vulnerability, whether online or off, is a big step, even when you’re limiting your posts to temporary IG stories. But just because it’s nerve-racking doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. Putting yourself out there, regardless of the outcome, is a good thing.
“These soft launches are tests [of] the person we're dating,” Freid explains, “They’re also a way of not getting ahead of ourselves, and not embarrassing ourselves on social media — which really, in the end, isn't that embarrassing at all.”
Take this as your official go-ahead to post that first story.
How much age gap is OK in a relationship?
Age disparity in sexual relationships is the age difference between individuals in sexual relationships. Concepts of these relationships, including what defines an age disparity, have developed over time and vary among societies. Differences in age preferences for mates can stem from partner availability, gender roles, and evolutionary mating strategies, and age preferences in sexual partners may vary cross-culturally. There are also social theories for age differences in relationships as well as suggested reasons for 'alternative' age-hypogamous relationships. Age-disparate relationships have been documented for most of recorded history and have been regarded with a wide range of attitudes dependent on sociocultural norms and legal systems.
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Contents
1 Statistics
2 Reasons for age disparity
3 Evolutionary perspective
3.1 Evolutionary approach
3.2 Male preference for younger females
3.3 Female preference for older males
4 Cross-cultural differences
4.1 Larger than average age-gaps
4.2 Smaller than average age-gaps
5 Social perspectives
5.1 Social structural origin theory
5.2 The rational choice model
6 Age-hypogamy in relationships
7 "Half-your-age-plus-seven" rule
8 Slang terms
9 See also
10 References
11 Further reading
Statistics
Age difference in heterosexual married couples, 2017 US Current Population Survey[1]
Age difference Percentage of all married couples
Husband 20+ years older than wife
1.0
Husband 15–19 years older than wife
1.6
Husband 10–14 years older than wife
5.0
Husband 6–9 years older than wife
11.2
Husband 4–5 years older than wife
12.8
Husband 2–3 years older than wife
19.6
Husband and wife within 1 year
33.9
Wife 2–3 years older than husband
6.9
Wife 4–5 years older than husband
3.4
Wife 6–9 years older than husband
2.8
Wife 10–14 years older than husband
1.0
Wife 15–19 years older than husband
0.3
Wife 20+ years older than husband
0.4
Data in Australia[2] and the United Kingdom[3] show an almost identical pattern.
Do relationship age gaps really matter?
Relationships with age disparities have been observed with both men and women as the older or younger partner. In various cultures, older men and younger women often seek one another for sexual or marital relationships.[4] Older women sometimes date younger men as well,[5] and in both cases wealth and apparent physical attractiveness are often relevant.[6] Because most men are interested in women in their 20s, adolescent boys are generally sexually interested in women somewhat older than they are.[7] Older men also display an interest in women of their own age.[8] However, research suggests that relationship patterns are more influenced by women’s preferences than men’s.[7][9][10]
Most men marry women younger than they are; with the difference being between two and three years in Spain,[11] the UK reporting the difference to be on average about three years, and the US, two and a half.[12][13] The pattern was also confirmed for the rest of the world, with the gap being largest in Africa.[14] However, the number of women marrying younger men is rising. A study released in 2003 by the UK's Office for National Statistics concluded that the proportion of women in England and Wales marrying younger men rose from 15% to 26% between 1963 and 1998. Another study also showed a higher divorce rate as the age difference rose for when either the woman was older or the man was older.[15][16] A 2008 study, however, concluded that the difference is not significant.[17][18]
In August 2010, Michael Dunn of the University of Wales Institute, Cardiff, completed and released the results of a study on age disparity in dating. Dunn concluded that "Not once across all ages and countries ... did females show a preference for males significantly younger than male preferences for females" and that there was a "consistent cross-cultural preference by women for at least same-age or significantly older men". A 2003 AARP study reported that 34% of women over 39 years old were dating younger men.[19]
A 2011 study suggested that marriage of younger men by women is positively correlated with decreased longevity, particularly for the woman, though married individuals generally still have longer lifespans than singles.[20]
Reasons for age disparity
There are complex and diverse reasons that people enter into age-disparate relationships, and a recent review in the Journal of Family Theory and Review showed vast differences across contexts.[21] Explanations for age disparity usually focus on either the rational choice model or the analysis of demographic trends in a society.[11] The rational choice model suggests that people look for partners who can provide for them in their life (bread-winners); as men earn more as they get older, women will therefore prefer older men.[11] This factor is diminishing as more women enter the labor force. The demographic trends are concerned with the sex ratio in the society, the marriage squeeze, and migration patterns.[11] Another explanation concerns cultural values: the higher the value placed in having children, the higher the age gap will be.[14] Yet Canadian researchers have found that age-disparate couples are less likely to have children than similarly aged ones.[22] As people have chosen to marry later and remarriage becomes more common, the age differences between couples have increased as well.[11][17]
In a Brown University study, it has been noted that the social structure of a country determines the age difference between spouses more than any other factor.[23] One of the concerns of relationships with age disparities in some cultures is a perceived difference between people of different age ranges. These differences may be sexual, financial or social. Gender roles may complicate this even further. Socially, a society with a difference in wealth distribution between older and younger people may affect the dynamics of the relationship.[24]
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Although the "cougar" trend, in which older women date much younger men, is often portrayed in the media as a widespread and established facet of modern Western culture, at least one academic study has found the concept to be a "myth". A British psychological study published in Evolution and Human Behavior in 2010 concluded that men and women, in general, continued to follow traditional gender roles when searching for mates.[25] The study found that, as supported by other academic studies, most men preferred younger, "attractive" women, while most women, of any age, preferred successful, established men their age or older. The study found very few instances of older women pursuing much younger men and vice versa.[26] The study has been criticized, however, for limiting their results to online dating profiles, which are traditionally not used by those seeking older or younger partners, and for excluding the United States from the study.[27][28][29]
Evolutionary perspective
Evolutionary approach
The evolutionary approach, based on the theories of Charles Darwin, attempts to explain age disparity in sexual relationships in terms of natural selection and sexual selection.[30][31] Within sexual selection, Darwin identified a further two mechanisms which are important factors in the evolution of sex differences (sexual dimorphism): intrasexual selection (involves competition with those of the same sex over access to mates) and intersexual choice (discriminative choice of mating partners).[32] Life history theory[33] (that includes Parental Investment Theory)[34] provides an explanation for the above mechanisms and strategies adopted by individuals, leading to age disparity in relationships. Life history theory posits that individuals have to divide energy and resources between activities (as energy and resources devoted to one task cannot be used for another task) and this is shaped by natural selection.[35]
Parental Investment Theory refers to the value that is placed on a potential mate based on reproductive potential and reproductive investment. The theory predicts that preferred mate choices have evolved to focus on reproductive potential and reproductive investment of members of the opposite sex.[34] This theory predicts both intrasexual selection and intersexual choice due to differences in parental investment; typically there is competition among members of the lower investing sex (generally males) over the parental investment of the higher investing sex (generally females) who will be more selective in their mate choice. However, human males tend to have more parental investment compared to mammal males (although females still tend to have more parental investment).[36] Thus, both sexes will have to compete and be selective in mate choices. These two theories explain why natural and sexual selection acts slightly differently on the two sexes so that they display different preferences. For example, different age preferences may be a result of sex differences in mate values assigned to the opposite sex at those ages.[34]
A study conducted by David Buss investigated sex differences in mate preferences in 37 cultures with 10,047 participants. In all 37 cultures it was found that males preferred females younger than themselves and females preferred males older than themselves. These age preferences were confirmed in marriage records with males marrying females younger than them and vice versa.[37] A more recent study has supported these findings, conducted by Schwarz and Hassebrauck.[38] This study used 21,245 participants between 18 and 65 years of age who were not involved in a close relationship. As well as asking participants a number of questions on mate selection criteria, they also had to provide the oldest and youngest partner they would accept. It was found that for all ages males were willing to accept females that are slightly older than they are (on average 4.5 years older), but they accept females considerably younger than their own age (on average 10 years younger). Females demonstrate a complementary pattern, being willing to accept older males (on average 8 years older) and were also willing to accept males younger than themselves (on average 5 years younger). This is somewhat different to our close evolutionary relatives: chimpanzees. Male chimpanzees tend to prefer older females than younger and it is suggested that specific cues of female mate value are very different to humans.[39]
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Male preference for younger females
Buss attributed the male preference for younger females to certain youthful cues. In females, relative youth and apparent physical attractiveness (which males valued more compared to females) demonstrated cues for fertility and high reproductive capacity.[37] Buss stated the specific age preference of around 25 years implied that fertility was a stronger ultimate cause of mate preference than reproductive value as data suggested that fertility peaks in females around mid-20s.[37] From a life history theory perspective, females that display these cues are judged to be more capable of reproductive investment.[40] This notion of age preference due to peak fertility is supported by Kenrick, Keefe, Gabrielidis, and Cornelius's study, which found that although teenage males would accept a mate slightly younger than they are, there was a wider range of preference for ages above their own. Teenage males also report that their ideal mates would be several years older than they are.[41]
Buss and Schmitt[42] stress that although long-term mating relationships are common for humans, there are both short-term and long-term mating relationships. Buss and Schmitt provided a Sexual Strategies Theory that describes the two sexes as having evolved distinct psychological mechanisms that underlie the strategies for short- and long-term mating. This theory is directly relevant and compatible with those two already mentioned, Life History and Parental Investment.[43][44] Males tend to appear oriented towards short-term mating (greater desire for short-term mates than women, prefer larger number of sexual partners, and take less time to consent to sexual intercourse[44]) and this appears to solve a number of adaptive problems including using fewer resources to access a mate.[42] Although there are a number of reproductive advantages to short-term mating, males still pursue long-term mates, and this is due to the possibility of monopolizing a female's lifetime reproductive resources.[42] Consistent with findings, for both short-term and long-term mates, males prefer younger females (reproductively valuable).[42][45]
Female preference for older males
Table 1. Regional singulate mean age of marriage (SMAM) difference between males and females[46]
Region SMAM difference
Eastern Africa 4.3
Middle Africa 6.0
Northern Africa 4.5
Western Africa 6.6
Eastern Asia 2.4
South-Central Asia 3.7
South-Eastern Asia 2.4
Western Asia 3.5
Eastern Europe 3.1
Northern Europe 2.3
Southern Europe 3.3
Western Europe 2.7
Caribbean 2.9
Central America 2.5
South America 2.9
Northern America 2.3
Australia/New Zealand 2.2
10 Married Celebrities With HUGE Age Differences
As they are the higher-investing sex, females tend to be slightly more demanding when picking a mate (as predicted by parental investment theory).[36] They also tend to have a more difficult task of evaluating a male's reproductive value accurately based on physical appearance, as age tends to have fewer constraints on a male's reproductive resources.[40] Buss attributed the older age preference to older males displaying characteristics of high providing-capacity[37] such as status and resources.[38] In terms of short-term and long-term mating, females tend to be oriented towards long-term mating due to the costs incurred from short-term mating.[42] Although some of these costs will be the same for males and females (risk of STIs and impairing long term mate value), the costs for women will be more severe due to paternity uncertainty (cues of multiple mates will be disfavoured by males).[42]
In contrast to above, in short-term mating, females will tend to favour males that demonstrate physical attractiveness, as this displays cues of "good genes".[42] Cues of good genes tend to be typically associated with older males[47] such as facial masculinity and cheek-bone prominence.[48] Buss and Schmitt found similar female preferences for long-term mating which supports the notion that, for long-term relationships, females prefer cues of high resource capacity, one of which is age.[42]
Cross-cultural differences
Cross-culturally, research has consistently supported the trend in which males prefer to mate with younger females, and females with older males.[32] In a cross-cultural study that covered 37 countries,[49] preferences for age differences were measured and research supported the theory that people prefer to marry close to the age when female fertility is at its highest (24–25 years). Analysing the results further, cross culturally, the average age females prefer to marry is 25.4 years old, and they prefer a mate 3.4 years older than themselves, therefore their preferred mate would be aged 28.8 years of age. Males however prefer to marry when they are 27.5 years old, and a female to be 2.7 years younger than themselves, yielding their preferred mate to be 24.8 years old. The results from the study therefore show that the mean preferred marriage age difference (3.04 years averaging male and female preferred age) corresponds very closely with the actual mean marriage age difference (2.99). The preferred age of females is 24.8 years and the actual average age females marry is 25.3 years old (and 28.2 for males) which actually falls directly on the age where females are most fertile, however, this assumes this people are having children immediately after marrying. Moreover, these patterns fit many proposed explanations for age differences: evolutionarily adapted mating preferences, socialisation, and gendered economic differences.[21]
The United Nations Marriage Statistics Department measures the Singulate Mean Age Marriage (SMAM) difference, the difference in average age at first marriage between men and women, across the main regions in the world (refer to Table. 1).[46]
Larger than average age-gaps
Table 2. Countries with largest marital age differences[46]
Country SMAM difference Legal Status of Polygamy
Cameroon a 6.5 Polygamous
Chad 6.1 Polygamous
Rep. of Congo 8.6 Polygamous
Dem. Rep. of Congo 8.2 Polygamous
Sudan 6.4 Polygamous
Burkina Faso a 8.6 Polygamous
Côte d'Ivoire 7.2 No Longer Practiced
Gambia 9.2 Polygamous
Guinea a 7.3 Illegal but practiced
Liberia 6.5 Not Criminalised
Mali 7.5 Polygamous
Mauritania 7.7 Polygamous
Niger 6.3 Polygamous
Nigeria 6.9 Polygamous
Senegal 8.1 Polygamous
Afghanistan 7.5 Polygamous
Bangladesh 6.8 Polygamous
Montserrat b 8.3 Unknown
Nauru 7.3 Prohibited
Mozambique 8.6 Not Criminalised
Age Difference In Marriage Problems | Paul Friedman
However, in some regions of the world there is a substantially larger age gap between marriage partners in that males are much older than their wife (or wives) or women are much younger than their husband (or husbands). A theory that can explain this finding from an evolutionary perspective is the parasite-stress theory which explains that an increase of infectious disease can cause humans to evolve selectively according to these pressures. Evidence also shows that as disease risk gets higher, it puts a level of stress on mating selection and increases the use of polygamy.[50]
Table 2 shows that 17 of the 20 countries with the largest age-gaps between spouses practice polygyny, and that males range from 6.1 to 9.2 years older than their partners. In regions such as Sub-Saharan Africa the use of polygyny is commonly practiced as a consequence of high sex-ratios (more males per 100 females) and passing on heterozygous (diverse) genetics from different females to offspring.[51] When disease is prevalent, if a male is producing offspring with a more diverse range of alleles, offspring will be more likely to withstand mortality from disease and continue the family line. Another reason that polygynous communities have larger age-gaps between spouses is that intrasexual competition for females increases as fewer females remain on the marriage market (with males having more than one wife each), therefore the competitive advantage values younger females due to their higher reproductive value.[52] As the competition for younger women becomes more common, the age in females' first marriage lower as older men seek younger and younger females.
Smaller than average age-gaps
In Western societies such as the US and Europe, there is a trend of smaller age-gaps between spouses, reaching its peak average in Southern Europe of 3.3 years. Using the same pathogen-stress model, there is a lower prevalence of disease in these economically developed areas, and therefore a reduced stress on reproduction for survival. Additionally, it is common to see monogamous relationships widely in more modern societies as there are more women in the marriage market and polygamy is illegal throughout most of Europe and the United States.
As access to education increases worldwide, the age of marriage increases with it, with more of the youth staying in education for longer. The mean age of marriage in Europe is well above 25, and averaging at 30 in Nordic countries, however this may also be due to the increase of cohabitation in European countries. In some countries in Europe such as France, Netherlands, United Kingdom, Norway, Estonia, Finland and Denmark, 20–30% of women aged 20–34 are cohabiting as opposed to legally marrying.[53] In addition to this with the gender pay gap decreasing, more women work equal hours (average of 40 hours in Europe and the US) to males and looking less for males with financial resources.[53]
In regions such as the Caribbean and Latin America there is a lower SMAM difference than expected; however, there are also a large proportion of partners living in consensual unions; 24% in Brazil, 20% in Nicaragua and 18% in Dominican Republic.[54]
A 2011 study suggested that age disparity in marriage is positively correlated with decreased longevity, particularly for women, though married people still have longer lifespans than singles.[20]
Social perspectives
Social structural origin theory
Social structural origin theory argues that the underlying cause of sex-differentiated behaviour is the concentration of men and women in differing roles in society. It has been argued that a reason gender roles are so prevalent in society is that the expectations of gender roles can become internalised in a person's self-concept and personality.[55] In a Brown University study, it has been noted that the social structure of a country determines the age difference between spouses more than any other factor, challenging evolutionary explanations.[56] In regard to mate selection, social structural theory supports the idea that individuals aim to maximise what they can provide in the relationship in an environment that is limiting their utilities through expected gender roles in society and marriage.[57]
It is thought that a trade-off or equilibrium is reached, in regard to what each gender brings to the mating partnership, and that this equilibrium is most likely to be reached with a trade-off of ages when selecting a mate.[58] Women trade youth and physical attractiveness for economic security in their male partner.[59] This economic approach to choosing a partner ultimately depends on the marital or family system that is adopted by society. Women and men tend to seek a partner that will fit in with their society's sexual division of labour. For example, a marital system based on males being the provider and females the domestic worker, favours an age gap in the relationship. An older male is more likely to have more resources to provide to the family.[57]
The rational choice model
The rational choice model also suggests that people look for partners who can provide for them in their life (bread-winners); as men traditionally earn more as they get older, women will therefore prefer older men.[60] This factor is diminishing as more women enter the labour force and the gender pay gap decreases.[60]
Age-hypogamy in relationships
Age-hypogamy defines a relationship where the woman is the older partner, the opposite of this being age-hypergamy.[61] Marriage between partners of roughly similar age is known as "age homogamy".[62]
Older female–younger male relationships are increasingly researched by social scientists.[61][63][64][65][66] Slang terms such as "cougar" have been used in films, TV shows and the media to depict older females with younger male mates. The picture often displays a stereotypical pairing of a divorced, middle-aged, white, affluent female dating a younger male with the relationship taking the form of a non-commitment arrangement between the partners.[67]
Although age-hypogamous relationships have historically been very infrequent, recent US census data has shown an increase in age-hypogamous relationships from 6.4% in 2000 to 7.7% in 2012.[68]
There may be many reasons why age-hypogamous relationships have been less frequent until recently. Sexual double standards in society, in particular, may account for their rarity.[61] In many contexts, ageing in women is seen to be associated with decreased sex appeal and dating potential.[69]
There is debate in the literature as to what leads to age-hypogamy in sexual relationships. A number of variables have been argued to influence the likelihood of women entering into an age-hypogamous relationship, such as racial or ethnic background, level of education, income, marital status, conservatism, age, and number of sexual partners.[61] For example, US Census data show an exaggerated sex ratio in African American communities, whereby there were 100 African American women for every 89 African American men.[70] It was shown that African American women were more likely to be in age-hypogamous or age-hypergamous marriages in comparison with White American women.[71] However, more recent evidence has found that women belonging to racial categories besides African American or White were more likely to sleep with younger men,[61] showing that it is still unclear which, if any, ethnic groups are more likely to have age-hypogamous relationships.
French President Emmanuel Macron and his wife Brigitte. The couple married in 2007; at the time he was 30 years old and she 54, with a 24-year age-hypogamous gap between the pair.
Another example illustrating the varying literature surrounding age-hypogamous relationships is research indicating that a woman's marital status can influence her likelihood of engaging in age-hypogamous relationships. Married women are less likely to be partnered with younger men compared to non-married women.[72] More recent findings suggest that previously married women are more likely to engage in an age-hypogamous sexual relationships compared to women who are married or who have never been married.[61]
Despite social views depicting age-hypogamous relationships as short lived, a 2008 study from Psychology of Women Quarterly has found that women in age-hypogamous relationships are more satisfied and the most committed in their relationships compared to younger women or similarly aged partners.[73][74] It has also been suggested that male partners engaging in age-hypogamous relationships are choosing beauty over age. A recent study found that when shown pictures of women of ages ranging from 20–45 with different levels of apparent attractiveness, regardless of age, men chose the more "attractive" individuals as long term partners.[75]
"Half-your-age-plus-seven" rule
Graph of the half-age-plus-seven rule
An often-asserted rule of thumb to determine whether an age difference is socially acceptable holds that a person should never date someone whose age is less than half their own plus seven years.[76][77][78][79] According to this rule, a 28-year-old would date no one younger than 21 (half of 28, plus 7) and a 50-year-old would date no one younger than 32 (half of 50, plus 7).
Although the providence of the rule is unclear, it is sometimes said to have originated in France.[77] The half-your-age-plus seven rule appears in John Fox, Jr.'s The Little Shepherd of Kingdom Come in 1903,[80] in American newspapers in 1931 attributed to Maurice Chevalier,[81] and in The Autobiography of Malcolm X,[82] attributed to Elijah Muhammad.
In earlier sources, the rule sometimes had a different interpretation than in contemporary times. Not only was it gender-specific, it was presented as a formula to calculate the ideal age of a female partner at the beginning of a relationship, instead of a lower limit. Frederick Locker-Lampson's Patchwork from 1879 states the opinion "A wife should be half the age of her husband with seven years added."[83] Max O'Rell's Her Royal Highness Woman from 1901 gives the rule in the format "A man should marry a woman half his age, plus seven."[84] A similar interpretation is also present in the 1951 play The Moon Is Blue by F. Hugh Herbert: "Haven't you ever heard that the girl is supposed to be half the man's age, plus seven?"[85]
A study in 2000 found that the rule was fairly accurate at predicting the minimum age of a woman that a man would marry or date. However, the rule was not found to be predictive of the minimum age of a man that a woman would marry or date, nor (by reversing the formula) of the maximum age that either sex would marry or date.[76]
Slang terms
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Partner age disparities are typically met with some disdain in industrialized nations, and there are various derogatory terms for participants in these relationships.
In English-speaking countries, where financial disparity, and a money-for-companionship exchange, is perceived as central to these relationships, the elder of the two partners (perceived as the richer) is often called a "sugar daddy" or "sugar mama", depending on their gender. The younger of the two is similarly called the sugar baby. In extreme cases, a person who marries into an extremely wealthy family can be labelled a gold digger, especially where the wealthy partner is of extreme age or in poor health; this term most often describes women but can be applied to any gender.[86]
The Right Age for Dating
An attractive younger woman pursued by a wealthy man who is perceived as wanting her only for her appearance may be called a trophy wife.[87] The opposite term, "trophy husband", does not have an agreed upon use, but is becoming more common: some use the term to refer to the attractive stay-at-home husband of a much more famous woman; others use it to refer to the husband of a trophy wife, as he is her trophy due to his wealth and prestige. In the latter case, the term trophy is broadened to include any substantial difference in power originating from physical appearance, wealth, or status. The trophy label is often perceived as objectifying the partner, with or without the partner's implicit consent.
Where the primary perceived reason for a relationship with a significant age difference is sexual, many gender-specific terms have become popular in English-speaking cultures. A woman of middle to elderly age who pursues younger men is a cougar or puma, and a man in a relationship with an older woman is often called a boytoy, toyboy, himbo, gigolo, or cub. In reverse, the terms rhino, trout and manther (a play on the panther term for women) are generally used to label an older man pursuing younger women, and the younger woman in such a relationship may be called a kitten or panther.[88] If the woman is extremely young, the man may be labelled a cradle-snatcher (UK)[89] or cradle robber (US)[90] In gay slang, the term chickenhawk may be used. If the much-younger target of affections is not of the legal age of consent, the term jailbait may be applied to them, cautioning older partners against involvement. An older term for any licentious or lascivious man is a lecher. That term and its shortening, lech, have come to commonly describe an elderly man who makes passes at much younger women.[citation needed]
What is the best age difference between man and woman?
When it comes to the opposite sex does an older man make you grow weak at the knees or do you prefer to date fellas who are closer to your own age?
We’re asking because according to a new survey, the ‘ideal’ age gap between lovers is four years and four months. Oh and generally, the man should be older than the woman. Do you agree?
According to a new survey conducted by Confused.com, while just under half of couples don’t feel that there is such a thing as the ‘ideal age gap’ between partners, the most popular answer was that the man should be at least 52 months older than the woman.
In fact, around a third of women admitted that they would be content in a relationship with a man who was up to seven years old than them. While around 30 per cent would happilly look for a partner in the 55-70 age bracket.
There's a 25 year age gap between Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones
35 per cent of women confessed that when they see another woman with a much older man, they immediately assume that he much be “very rich.” While 18 per cent admit that their first thought is “it won’t last.” Unsurprisingly, 24 per cent of women said they thought that a woman who dates an older man is simply a gold digger.
The research suggests that when it comes age differences, it’s the attitudes of others that impact otherwise healthy and happy relationships the most. Instead of focussing on the couple for their personalities, the couple tends to be judged by their numerical value which results in unnecessary social stereotyping.
“Age gap relationships can bring with them issues that are not often considered when the couple first start seeing each other,” said Julia Cole, a relationship expert.
“If the age gap is fairly wide – more than ten years – ad the relationship grows into a commitment, it is important to talk about attitudes to money, expectations of family life and what parents, siblings and friends will think about an older partner in their life as well as yours,” she added.
So what celebrity couples have some very sizable age gaps then? Here are the top five...
1. Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones (He’s 25 years older than her).
2. Sam Taylor-Wood and Aaron Johnson (She’s 23 years older than him).
3. Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart (He’s 22 years older than her).
4. Jason Statham and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (He’s 20 years older than her).
5. Olivier Sarkozy and Mary-Kate Olsen (He’s 17 years older than her).
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