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elationships are complicated. One day we’re madly in love and happy, the next we’re considering a breakup. You want to break up but then your partner looks at you that certain way and you’re head over heels again.
When your feelings are all over the place and you don’t know whether to stay or go, making the decision to end a relationship can be very difficult.
And sometimes it’s actually simpler than we make it. Sometimes the reason is there in front of our face and we just need to acknowledge it.
Consider these reasons for ending a relationship.
You aren’t happy and haven’t been for a while
Relationships have phases. There are ups and downs. You’ll go through periods where it feels boring, stale, unhappy, and maybe even bad. But in a healthy, good relationship, we can recognize that these are phases that happen and work through them.
But what if you’re unhappy and it’s not changing? There’s a passing phase of unhappiness and then there’s being truly unhappy. If you feel like you’re truly unhappy, it’s a reason to leave.
When you look at the relationship and can’t remember the last time you were happy or you can’t think of anything good about being in the relationship, when even the thought of your partner makes you miserable, it’s time to walk away.
The relationship (or your partner) makes you feel bad about yourself
If your relationship or your partner makes you feel insecure, unworthy, insignificant, or otherwise bad about yourself, it’s a reason to leave.
A partner and the relationship we have with them should lift you up. It should make you feel good, happy, confident, and worthy.
It doesn’t matter if it’s deliberate or just the natural combination of the two of you together. If it makes you feel bad about yourself, end it without guilt.
Communication is bad or missing altogether
Do you feel like trying to talk to your partner is like beating your head against a brick wall? Do you feel like they constantly misunderstand everything you say (or vice versa) or you’re always arguing? Do you feel like there’s nothing for you to talk about?
Communication is a critical component of any relationship. If it’s bad or completely missing, the relationship is going to suffer.
Of course, you can try counseling first to see if you can improve communication. But if that doesn’t help, or your partner is unwilling to try, poor communication will kill the relationship so you might as well do it now instead of waiting through a prolonged miserable relationship before it finally ends.
You have significant doubts
Everyone has occasional doubts about a relationship. But they usually pass. Think of the cold feet some people get before a wedding. It doesn’t last and when you look back later, you laugh.
If you have significant doubts about the relationship, and they’re not going away, this is your intuition talking to you. Significant doubts means you’re questioning big things as well as small. It also means you’re questioning everything.
If you’re struggling to find even a small handful of things you’re confident about in your relationship, it’s probably a good idea to walk.
Your partner isn’t emotionally healthy
Does your partner act paranoid or suspicious? Are they self-absorbed? Do they get angry really easily? Manipulate you to get what they want? These are signs of being emotionally unhealthy.
A solid relationship is based on two emotionally healthy people coming together. If one of you isn’t emotionally healthy, the relationship will struggle.
Remember there’s a difference between emotional and mental health. There’s a huge difference between standing by a partner who’s depressed or being with someone who has bipolar disorder and treats it, and being with a partner who doesn’t have emotional maturity or stability.
You don’t see any other way
Dr. John Gottman talks about perpetual problems that couples have; these are problems that you can’t solve and will keep coming up. The key with these problems is that even though you can’t solve them and they keep coming up, you can live with them.
But sometimes you have a problem or difference that can’t be solved and you just can’t live with. You just can’t fathom being in a relationship where this problem or difference exists. You might love this person deeply, but you just can’t see a future with this problem or difference.
If that’s the case, ending things will free you both to find a better match.
There are more reasons to go than to stay
No relationship is perfect. Even in the best relationships, each partner could tell you a few drawbacks to being in that relationship. But they stay because there are more benefits than drawbacks.
If you look at your reasons to stay and to go, and realize there are more reasons to end it than to stay, that’s a sure sign you should walk away. When there are more reasons to dislike your partner or the relationship, things will just get worse if you stay.
Cut your losses so you can move on to a relationship that better meets your needs.
You spend a lot of time thinking about other people
Do you find yourself checking out other people? Flirting? Imagining yourself dating someone else? See a different face or no face at all when you imagine yourself with a partner in the future?
It’s one thing to occasionally fantasize about being with someone else, sexually or otherwise. But if you find that you’re spending a lot of your time imagining yourself with someone other than your partner, flirting with others, or longing to be free to date, the relationship is already over.
Walk away so you can start meeting other people.
You’ve got different values
We all have different values and prioritize them differently. And while we can agree that everyone is allowed to have their own values, when you’re building a future with someone, sharing similar values and prioritizing them in similar ways is important.
If the two of you have very different values, any long-term relationship between you will ultimately have serious friction as a result. And it will be the kind of friction that makes you both miserable because you’re both trying to live in alignment with your values and struggling to do so because you don’t share them.
If you know what your most important values are and your partner doesn’t share them, it’s best to call it quits so you can find a better match.
It just feels like the right decision
Do you imagine yourself post-breakup and feel good with that decision? Do you feel as if you could walk away and never once look back with regret? Sometimes there isn’t any specific reason, but you can just feel that breaking up is the right decision.
If the thought of breaking up with your partner makes you feel happier, better, and there’s no sign of doubt or regret, then what are you waiting for? That kind of confidence in the decision should be all you need to know it’s time to end things.
You keep pretending things are different
Do you pretend to be happy? Pretend that you’ll eventually get that proposal you’ve been waiting for? Pretend that they don’t really mean it when they say they don’t want kids? If you’re spending more time in a fantasy relationship than the real one, it’s a clear sign you should move on.
You pretend things are different because what you pretend is what you really want. And even if you love this person deeply, pretending that things are okay or that something will change isn’t going to make a difference.
If you have to pretend things are different to stay in this relationship, it’s time to end it. You deserve a relationship where you can live in the reality of the relationship and be happy.
Wendy Miller is a Certified Happiness Coach, freelance writer & meditation teacher. After years of settling for abusive and otherwise toxic relationships, she got fed up. Using meditation and other tools, she got to work on healing herself, setting boundaries, and only engaging in relationships (romantic and otherwise) that bring her joy. She wants to help other single parents find the love & happiness they seek, including and going beyond romantic love. She lives in Florida with her two sons, where she homeschools while solo parenting, while surrounded by what feels like a zooful of animals.
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