Shyness is a feeling of fear or discomfort caused by other people, especially in new situations or among strangers. It’s an unpleasant feeling of self-consciousness — a fear of what some people believe others are thinking.
This fear can inhibit a person’s ability to do or say what they want. It can also prevent the formation of healthy relationships.
Shyness is often linked to low self-esteem. It may also be one of the causes of social anxiety.
Shyness can vary in strength. Many people feel mild feelings of discomfort that are easily overcome. Others feel extreme fear of social situations, and this fear can be debilitating. Inhibition, withdrawal from social activities, anxiety, and depression can result from shyness.
Shyness encompasses a broad spectrum of behaviors. It’s normal for children to sometimes feel shy in new situations. Perceptions of shyness may also be cultural.
Some cultures, such as many of those in the United States, tend to regard it negatively. Others, such as some Asian cultures, tend to regard shyness more positively.
About 15 percent of infants are born with a tendency toward shyness. Research has shown biological differences in the brains of shy people.
But a propensity for shyness also is influenced by social experiences. It’s believed that most shy children develop shyness because of interactions with parents.
Parents who are authoritarian or overprotective can cause their children to be shy. Children who aren’t allowed to experience things may have trouble developing social skills.
A warm, caring approach to rearing children usually results in them being more comfortable around others.
Schools, neighborhoods, communities, and culture all shape a child. Connections a child makes within these networks contribute to their development. Children with shy parents may emulate that behavior.
In adults, highly critical work environments and public humiliation can lead to shyness.
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Not all children who play alone happily are shy. Fear and anxiety are elements of shyness.
One of the first signs that a child’s shyness might be a cause for concern is that they never want to leave their parent’s side.
Children who do poorly in their studies or who have a difficult time making friends should be evaluated for shyness. Those who have been victimized by bullying are at risk for developing shyness.
Children who are constantly ridiculed may exhibit aggressive behavior as an overcompensation for shyness. Those who have experienced neglect are at risk as well.
Sometimes, shy children aren’t diagnosed and treated. Unlike many other emotional disorders, shyness often doesn’t result in a child causing problems. Frequently, there are no tantrums or aggressive behavior to raise red flags and encourage treatment.
According to the National Alliance for Mental Illness, anxiety — which is more than shyness — affects approximately 7 percent of children aged 3 to 17 in the United States.
Therapists can assess a child for shyness by engaging them in activities such as charades and board games. They may also use puppets and dolls to get the child to open up.
Overcoming extreme shyness can be essential for the development of healthy self-esteem. Shyness can result in difficulties at school and difficulties forming relationships.
Psychotherapy can help children cope with shyness. They can be taught social skills, how to be aware of their shyness, and ways to understand when their shyness is the result of irrational thinking.
Relaxation techniques such as deep breathing can help children and adults cope with anxiety, which may underlie shyness. Group therapy can also be helpful in children and adults experiencing shyness.
There are effective treatments for adults with anxiety who have difficult completing daily activities. However, severe anxiety often goes untreated.
In rare instances, medication can provide temporary relief for shyness.
To prevent or manage shyness, parents and guardians can help children develop the following skills:
- coping with change
- managing anger
- using humor
- showing compassion
- being assertive
- being kind
- helping others
- keeping secrets
All of these abilities can help children be at ease among their peers.
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Last medically reviewed on September 27, 2019
Yes, Introversion and Social Anxiety Are Two Different Things
You have a small social circle and fiercely protect your alone time. It takes a while before you feel comfortable opening up in the company of new people. At work or school, you hang back and avoid speaking up until you absolutely have to.
Parties and crowds of people tend to make you nervous, if not outright overwhelmed. You’ve elevated the act of canceling plans to an art form. Others call you reserved, quiet, or shy.
Do the above characteristics describe you to a T? If so, you quite possibly describe yourself as an introvert.
Yet maybe you’ve also spent some time considering whether something else drives your lack of interest in social situations. Does your personality simply fall toward the introverted end of the spectrum, you might wonder, or could you actually have social anxiety?
The answer depends on two things:
- the reasons why these behaviors feel most natural to you
- your feelings about spending time alone
On the surface, social anxiety and introversion can seem pretty similar. After all, they involve many of the same signs.
These two experiences aren’t one and the same, though, and they have less in common than you might think.
Introversion
There’s one key difference between introversion and social anxiety: Introversion is a personality trait, not a mental health condition.
Introverted people draw energy from within. As an introvert, you probably dedicate plenty of time to solitary pursuits. Relaxing and unwinding alone appeal to you, so you might prefer, more often than not, to make plans with yourself over anyone else.
If you’re an introvert, you might:
- have strong listening skills
- carefully consider options before making a decision
- dislike confrontation
- prefer to share feelings and thoughts through writing or art
Since introversion is a personality trait, it’s part of who you are — not necessarily something you can work to change. Learning and developing certain skills can help you feel more relaxed in groups of people, but new skills can’t really change how you get your energy.
Learn more about what it means to be an introvert.
Social anxiety
Living with social anxiety, or social phobia, typically means you experience significant nervousness and fear in social situations or when simply thinking about social situations. This fear generally stems from the idea that others will reject you or judge you negatively.
If you’re introverted, you might keep to yourself because you enjoy solitude. With social anxiety, on the other hand, you may actually want to join the crowd but feel nervous of your reception — and potential rejection.
When you do go to parties or hang out with friends, you might spend a lot of time thinking about what you’ve said or done and worrying what people think of you.
With social anxiety, you might:
- often feel anxious about doing something embarrassing in public
- avoid interacting with people you don’t know well
- fixate on the possibility of social slip-ups, like forgetting someone’s name or sneezing during a lecture
- feel frustrated or lonely because you struggle to connect with others in the way you’d like
Social anxiety is a mental health condition, so the worry and fear you experience may not improve without support from a mental health professional.
Introversion, in basic terms, means that you tend to feel drained by too much social interaction and need to take time for yourself to restore your energy.
Feeling drained by social interaction isn’t the same as feeling anxious about it, and introversion doesn’t automatically translate to social anxiety.
As an introvert, you might feel just fine about spending time with others — as long as you have enough energy, you can leave whenever you need to, and the setting isn’t too crowded or overwhelming.
But what if you don’t just need time alone to recharge? What if you also favor your own company because you frequently worry about how others perceive you? Perhaps one of these scenarios sounds familiar:
- When you don’t hear back from a friend right away, you start to worry that you’ve done something to annoy them and begin reviewing your last few interactions.
- During meetings at work, you sit quietly in the back corner, hoping to escape notice. Your heart pounds, your palms sweat, and you’re sure everyone can see how flushed your face is.
Keep in mind that introversion and its counterpart, extroversion, exist on a spectrum. As an introvert, you fall closer to one end, but that doesn’t mean you avoid people entirely. Most introverts enjoy spending time with friends, particularly those friends who understand their boundaries in social interactions and need for alone time.
When avoidance and fear factor into the time you spend alone, it’s worth considering whether social anxiety could play a part.
While
If you’re more conscientious, you might feel anxious about missing important details or giving an impression of unreliability.
If you have higher levels of neuroticism, you might be more prone to general insecurity and stress and worry about all new situations.
Incidentally, you can also have social anxiety if you lie more toward the extroverted end of the spectrum. In other words: Yes, you can be an “anxious extrovert.”
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Shyness is another trait that often gets mixed up with social anxiety and introversion. It’s even been suggested that social anxiety simply represents an extreme form of shyness.
Like people with social anxiety, shy people usually feel uncomfortable around strangers and hesitant to open up in social situations.
If you’re shy, you might:
- prefer to communicate through text or email
- stick close to good friends in social settings
- worry about meeting new people and wonder whether they’ll like you
- blush, get sweaty, or feel sick to your stomach before speaking in a group
Yet shyness often eases as you begin to feel comfortable. For example, you might have zero reservations about speaking your mind among close friends. Or at a party, your nervousness might begin to wear off once you feel welcomed and accepted.
Social anxiety, introversion, and shyness can occur together, making it tough to tell where one ends and the other begins. That said, many people tend toward shyness or introversion without also having social anxiety.
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If you’re shy, introverted, and also have social anxiety, the three can potentially play off each other, making social situations even more overwhelming to contemplate.
Here’s an example:
Your best friend’s birthday party is coming up. They’ve planned a smaller, quiet night of boardgames and food, and you know that they really want you to attend.
But you also know that they’ve invited a few newer friends, mostly people you don’t know well. You feel a little anxious about playing your favorite games in a new setting.
Introversion might lead you to prepare by planning a night for yourself before and after the party.
If you’re also shy, you might have some worries about meeting new people, but you remind yourself that your friend will be there to support you.
Adding in social anxiety can complicate things quite a bit.
What if, you might wonder, you don’t understand how to play the game, or you forget a rule? What if you end up spilling your drink all over the table and ruining the night for everyone? What if you make a joke and no one laughs, not even your best friend?
These worries occupy your thoughts in the days leading up to the party until you feel sick, nervous, and ready to cancel and spend the evening safely alone.
Social anxiety can make it difficult to pursue friendships and relationships.
While you want to participate more fully in social settings, fears of criticism and rejection get in the way, preventing you from building the connections you desire.
You might:
- feel worse, not better, after spending time alone
- long to make friends and feel more comfortable in the company of others
- spend a lot of time worrying about negative feedback or judgment
- have trouble participating in daily interactions at school or work
- use alcohol to help manage your fears
Over time, social anxiety can contribute to feelings of isolation, loneliness, and even depression. Support from a therapist, however, can make a big difference.
A therapist can:
- offer support with working through fears of judgment and rejection
- teach skills to better navigate social situations
- offer guidance with managing worry in productive ways
- help you practice challenging and reframing anxious thoughts
Explore treatments and coping strategies for social anxiety.
People thrive with varying levels of social interaction. When solitude helps you recharge, and spending time alone doesn’t cause any frustration or distress, you most likely have nothing to worry about.
If you consistently find it challenging to connect with others, even when you want to open your social circle, professional support can help.
Keeping the spotlight effect in mind can also help ease some feelings of social self-consciousness. It’s very normal to worry about saying the wrong thing or doing something embarrassing.
But even if you do, chances are good it’ll go unnoticed — most people pay far less attention to what happens around them than you might imagine.
Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues.
