Confidence and self-esteem
If we have high self-esteem, we feel good about ourselves. And if we feel confident, we feel like there are things we’re good at. But sometimes, our confidence gets knocked, or we don’t like ourselves very much.
We can all feel like this at times, but when we feel like this for a long time, it can become a problem.
Whatever affects your confidence or self-esteem, it's important to remember that you have the right to feel good about yourself. We’re here to help you find a way.
This page has information on:
What is self-esteem?
Your self-esteem is how you think and feel about yourself. Your self-esteem can affect how much you:
- like and value yourself as a person
- believe in yourself and the things you can do
- stand up for yourself when under pressure
- are willing to try new or difficult things
- move on from mistakes without blaming yourself unfairly
- believe you matter and are good enough
- believe you deserve happiness.
If you have high self-esteem, the way you think and feel about yourself is likely to be positive. But if you have low self-esteem, you may find that the way you think and feel about yourself is more negative, and you may feel less able to stand up for yourself.
Example
When Matt’s self-esteem was low, he didn’t feel like he was clever and he worried about the way he looked. He stopped trying in Maths lessons, as he thought he’d never be any good at Maths. He also stopped wearing clothes he liked, because he thought no-one would be interested in him.
Matt then found a couple of new friends who dressed how he liked to. When he told them he was struggling with Maths, they offered to help him with any problems he was stuck on.
Now Matt dresses how he wants, and feels good about it. He also finds it easier to keep trying in Maths lessons, even when he’s finding things difficult.
“Something that can really affect our self-esteem and confidence are the people we surround ourselves with, especially our friends.”
What is confidence?
Confidence is about:
- Believing in yourself, your abilities and ideas – this could be knowing a suggestion you have in class is a good one, feeling like you can learn a new song your band wants to perform, or knowing you can ask someone out without getting cold feet.
- Understanding and accepting yourself for who you are – like being proud of your sexuality or hair colour, being okay with not being great at sports, or not wanting to change yourself to fit in with others.
Confidence doesn’t mean being ‘outgoing’. You can be quiet or shy and still be confident. And even when someone’s the loudest person in the room, that doesn't always mean they’re feeling the most confident inside.
Example
Aneesa used to have little confidence in herself. Her mum and her friends all said she had a gift for writing but she felt embarrassed by it. She used to hide her stories and hope her English teacher wouldn’t read her work out loud.
Now Aneesa is building up her confidence and it’s making a difference. She sticks motivational messages and pictures on her walls. She also keeps a list of nice comments anyone makes about her writing – so she can read them when she feels unsure of herself.
Although Aneesa still doesn’t want to read her stories out loud in class, she feels confident enough to submit a story to a national competition. She’s really proud of how much her confidence has grown.
“I think accepting who you are and being proud of anything which makes you different is very important, there is only one version of yourself.”
What can affect my confidence and self-esteem?
Negative experiences can lower your confidence and self-esteem, like going through a breakup or being teased about your appearance. And positive experiences can boost your confidence and self-esteem, like doing well on a test, getting a compliment on how you look, or doing something nice for a friend or neighbour.
What affects your confidence and self-esteem can be different for different people. These experiences might affect our confidence or self-esteem positively or negatively:
- your results at school or college
- social media or adverts
- the level of support you receive from people you trust
- your body image and how you feel about your appearance
- your achievements or skills.
But other experiences may only negatively affect our confidence and self-esteem, like:
- physical or mental health problems that affect our ability to do certain things or be understood by others
- peer pressure to fit in
- pressure to achieve in exams, sport or other hobbies
- being bullied or abused
- experiencing stigma or discrimination
- moving away from where we feel safe, like away from family or friends
- family problems
- relationship problems.
You may be affected by other experiences that aren’t in these lists. Or you might have had low confidence or self-esteem for a long time, which can make it hard to understand why you're feeling this way.
“Seeing other people choose to spend time with me helped me to realise that there are lots of things I like about myself, and to worry less about what they thought about me.”
How can I build my confidence and self-esteem?
Building your confidence and self-esteem can take time and practice. And what helps you now may not be the same thing as what helps in the future. But there’s lots of things you can do to improve the way you feel about yourself and your abilities.
It might feel like a big step to make changes. Start by trying a couple of new things each week, until you find what works for you. Go at your own pace and don’t put too much pressure on yourself – small changes can make a big difference.
“I think ‘forgive yourself’ is really important.”
“Think about what you expect from yourself, not what others expect from yourself.”
Where can I go for help and support?
If you’re worried about how you’re feeling, or your low confidence or self-esteem is affecting your relationships and everyday life, it’s okay to ask for help. You could:
- read our information on understanding your feelings, or visit our page on finding support for advice on what help is available
- try talking to a trusted adult you know, or contact Childline or The Mix for a confidential chat with a counsellor
- if you’ve been feeling like this for a while, you could talk to your doctor.
For a list of other organisations who might be able to help, go to our useful contacts page.
