What’s the Most Effective Way of Overcoming Self-Deception? | Q&A 06-17-2021 | Jordan B. Peterson
I'm a PhD candidate in counseling psychology, studying how context influences mental health outcomes and how this makes us vulnerable to phenomena like impostor syndrome. I’m also a clinician who counsels high-achieving and goal-oriented people working toward mental wellness and self-compassion. What seems clear when I talk to people about their goals is that the goals become the point.
They’re taking their cues from media culture: those “motivational” products with sayings like “You have the same 24 hours as Beyoncé”; Steve Harvey’s viral comment on equating little sleep with success; Michael Bloomberg’s highly questionable professional advice that involves “out-working” everyone else. The uniting idea is that denying ourselves rest, nutrition, and relationships is perfectly acceptable if it results in progress toward the goal.
This obsession with goals feeds our “Who’s busiest?” brag-offs with our friends over brunch and makes us feel guilty about setting away messages for time off. When we focus so much on the goal, we leave little room to engage with the motivations underlying it. By concentrating so intently on what’s next, we distance ourselves from the reason we started the journey in the first place. We’re always trying to be bigger, better, smarter, and well-er, but to what end? Here’s a different approach:
Value curiosity more than action
A checklist approach to wellness (meal prep — check, therapy — check, meditation — check) almost never allows space for being present or interrogating the “why” behind these tasks. I find that many people have internalized the belief that acceptance is conditional and that we must continue to achieve to be worthy of it. As a result, we hitch our value to how much we produce rather than who we are.
Take a moment to consider: Where does your desire to “fix” or change yourself come from, and does this dynamic feel familiar? When we allow ourselves to be present without the pressure of doing, we gain insight and self-compassion.
Try this the next time you find yourself pivoting more toward the do than the be:
- Check in with yourself. Journal about your day, taking time to consider your emotions, thoughts, and key events that occurred. Or use an app like Daylio or Stop, Breathe and Think to chart your moods.
- Find and highlight the value in yourself outside of what you produce. Are you funny, kind, strategic, thoughtful, considerate? Those attributes are just as important as your achievements. Appreciate who you are as much as what you want to be.
#NoMoreHashtags that start with #No, especially #NoExcuses
Do you want to form healthier financial habits? Here’s a tweet blaming your fast food spending for your debt. Do you want to start working toward a more balanced and moderate diet? Here’s a post telling you that “you’re only cheating yourself on cheat days.” Questioning whether you’re ready to make that big life shift? Here’s a series of posts declaring that there are #NoExcuses for anything other than action.
While these messages are intended to inspire change, they reinforce the use of shame and guilt as motivators. Research highlights the negative effects of fitspo culture and the way it masks guilt as dedication. When we harbor shame about not doing enough, we hinder self-compassion. We interfere with our ability to honor and respect ourselves just as we are.
The next time you find yourself leaning on shame or judgment as a motivator, try this:
- Treat yourself like you’d want a friend to treat you. You can even leave yourself kind messages (video recordings, Post-it notes, etc.)
- Imagine you’re speaking to the child version of you. Notice how your language and motivation style shift. How do you respond to yourself differently?
Stop competing with people who aren’t competing with you
Social comparison theory suggests that people compare themselves to others to determine how they should evaluate themselves. Consequently, how we conceptualize ourselves and our own self-progress is largely derived from our judgments of others. But when we view others as competitors rather than as potential sources of support, we only cheat ourselves. Research shows that perceiving social support is directly related to positive mental health outcomes. Community also offers us a chance to value others for who they are rather than what they produce. This focus on acceptance is radical, and it’s healing.
To prioritize connection over competition, try these steps:
- Don’t approach community-building like it’s professional networking. Real connections take time to build and nurture and aren’t contingent on a transactional model.
- Consider community wellness activities in which the point is reaching a group goal together.
Our societal norms communicate to us that we need to keep doing more to reach fulfillment. But the greatest gift we can give to ourselves is the courage to just be.
