7 Signs You're Emotionally Repressed
Can you shut down your emotions?
Emotional detachment is an inability or unwillingness to connect with other people on an emotional level. For some people, being emotionally detached helps protect them from unwanted drama, anxiety, or stress.
For others, the detachment isn’t always voluntary. It’s instead the result of events that make the person unable to be open and honest about their emotions.
Emotional detachment can be helpful if you use it purposefully. You may set boundaries with certain people or groups. It helps you stay at an arm’s length from people who demand a lot of your emotional attention.
But emotional detachment can also be harmful when you can’t control it. You may feel “numbed” or “muted.” This is known as emotional blunting, and it’s typically a symptom or issue that should be addressed by a mental health provider.
Below you’ll read about the different types of emotional detachment and learn when it’s a good thing and when it might be worrisome.
Symptoms of emotional detachment
People who are emotionally detached or removed may show it as:
difficulty creating or maintaining personal relationships
a lack of attention, or appearing preoccupied when around others
difficulty being loving or affectionate with a family member
avoiding people, activities, or places because they’re associated with a past trauma or event
reduced ability to express emotion
difficulty empathizing with another person’s feelings
not easily sharing emotions or feelings
difficulty committing to another person or a relationship
not making another person a priority when they should be
What causes emotional detachment?
Emotional detachment may be voluntary. Some people can choose to remain emotionally removed from a person or situation.
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Other times, emotional detachment is the result of trauma, abuse, or a previous encounter. In these cases, previous events may make it difficult to be open and honest with a friend, loved one, or significant other.
By choice
Some people choose to proactively remove themselves from an emotional situation.
This might be an option if you have a family member or a colleague that you know upsets you greatly. You can choose to not engage with the person or persons. This will help you remain cool and keep your calm.
In situations like this, emotional detachment is a bit like a protective measure. It helps you prepare for situations that would normally get the best of you.
As a result of abuse
Sometimes, emotional detachment may be the result of traumatic events, such as childhood abuse or neglect. Children who are abused or neglected may develop emotional detachmentTrusted Source as a means of survival.
Children require a lot of emotional connection from their parents or caregivers. If it’s not forthcoming, the children may stop expecting it. When that happens, they may begin to turn off their emotional receptors.
That can lead to depressed mood, inability to show or share emotions, and behavior problems.
What’s more, children who were abused or neglected as a child, or even those who were just raised in a certain type of strict household, may also struggle with accepting other people’s emotions. They may not know how to respond to a significant other in a time of high stress and emotion.
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Other conditions
Emotional detachment or “numbing” is frequently a symptom of other conditions. You may feel distance from your emotions at times if you have:
post-traumatic stress disorder
bipolar disorder
major depressive disorder
personality disorders
Medicine
Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are a type of antidepressant. Some peopleTrusted Source who take this type of drug may experience emotional blunting, or a switched-off emotional center.
This period of emotional detachment may last as long as you’re on these drugs. Doctors can help you find another alternative if the drug affects you in this way.
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How to recognize emotional detachment
Emotional detachment isn’t an official condition like bipolar disorder or depression. Instead, it’s often considered one element of a larger medical condition.
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These conditions might include personality disorders, Asperger’s syndrome, and an attachment disorder.
Emotional detachment could also be the result of trauma or abuse. People who have been neglected or abused may develop this as a coping mechanism.
A healthcare provider may be able to see when you’re not emotionally available to others. They may also talk with you, a family member, or a significant other about your behaviors.
Understanding how you feel and act can help a provider recognize a pattern that could suggest this emotional issue.
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Is there treatment for emotional detachment?
Treatment for emotional detachment depends on the reason it’s occurring.
If your healthcare provider believes you struggle with emotional attachment and openness because of another condition, they may suggest treating that first.
These conditions might include depression, PTSD, or borderline personality disorder. Medicine and therapy are helpful for these conditions.
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If the emotional issues are a result of trauma, your doctor may recommend psychotherapy or talk therapy. This treatment can help you learn to overcome the impacts of the abuse. You also learn new ways to process experiences and anxieties that previously upset you and led to the emotional numbing.
For some people, however, emotional distance isn’t problematic. In that case, you may not need to seek any type of treatment.
However, if you realize you have issues in your personal life because you’re emotionally distant, you may want to seek out support. A therapist or other mental health provider will be a good resource.
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What’s the outlook for people who feel emotionally detached?
For some people, emotional detachment is a way of coping with overwhelming people or activities. In that sense, it can be healthy. You choose when to be involved and when to step away.
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In other cases, however, numbing yourself to emotions and feelings may not be healthy. Indeed, frequently “turning off” your emotions may lead to unhealthy behaviors. These include an inability to show empathy or a fear of commitment.
What’s more, people that struggle to express emotions or process them in a healthy manner may seek out other outlets for those feelings. This could include drugs, alcohol, or aggressive behaviors. These aren’t a substitute for emotional processing, but they may feel like a way to release that energy.
The takeaway
Emotions and feelings are a vital part of human connection.
Some people are able to turn off their emotions in order to protect themselves. For others, emotional numbing is unintended. It may even be part of a larger issue, like depression or a personality disorder.
If you have difficulty processing emotions or you live with someone who does, it’s important you seek help from a mental health provider. These experts are trained to help you understand why you respond in this manner to emotions. They can then help you work through that behavior in a healthy way and attempt to correct it.
With sayings such as ‘she’ll be right’ and ‘no worries’ part of our daily vernacular, it seems that our society rates positivity highly. But if you’re having a tough time, stifling negative emotions doesn’t make them go away and could actually be unhealthy.
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A series of studies over the past few decades show that suppressing your emotions can and does affect your body and your mind. In fact, a 2013 study by the Harvard School of Public Health and the University of Rochester showed people who bottled up their emotions increased their chance of premature death from all causes by more than 30%, with their risk of being diagnosed with cancer increasing by 70%.
Suppressing emotions
However, it’s not just your long-term health that can suffer if you suppress your negative emotions. There have been numerous studies showing that when we regulate or ignore our emotions, we can experience short-term mental and physical reactions as well.
“Suppressing your emotions, whether it’s anger, sadness, grief or frustration, can lead to physical stress on your body. The effect is the same, even if the core emotion differs,” says provisional clinical psychologist Victoria Tarratt. “We know that it can affect blood pressure, memory and self-esteem.”
Longer term, says Tarratt, there’s an increased risk of diabetes and heart disease. And avoiding emotions can also “lead to problems with memory, aggression, anxiety and depression”.
A study from the University of Texas found that by not acknowledging our emotions we’re actually making them stronger.
“For example, you might be angry at your brother and after stewing in your anger, not saying a thing, you could encourage an emotional outburst,” says Tarratt.
“So when you’re driving the car a few weeks later and someone cuts you off, you can get all-out road rage, causing an accident. That explosion and overreaction to a situation is your body’s way of releasing that pent-up emotion.”
Coping with strong emotions
Learning how to deal with strong emotions can be challenging. Tarratt recommends the following 4 steps if you’re feeling emotional and don’t know how to cope.
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1. Acknowledge the emotion
Recognising you’re feeling a particular way is important. You don’t have to do this verbally, as long as you acknowledge it internally.
“We often might think we feel anger, but sometimes it’s more complex,” explains Tarratt. “We might feel sad, for example, but we’re reverting to anger to deal with the feeling.”
She suggests finding and understanding the core emotion behind how you’re feeling. Ask yourself “why am I acting this way? Why am I feeling this emotional reaction?” Even the act of identifying and describing the feeling can have a beneficial effect.
2. Confront the cause
If you’re able to, confront the person or situation that’s triggering the emotion with the goal of resolving the problem. If this isn’t possible, Tarratt advises becoming an ‘observer’ to the situation and empowering yourself in the process.
“‘Observing’ is basically taking yourself out of the equation and trying not to take things personally; looking at your situation as if you’re not a part of it. Try to calmly understand what the other person’s perspective is and what might make them behave in a certain way.”
She explains that observing is an opportunity to learn about the person, rather than taking their actions personally and getting angry or frustrated.
If confronting the situation isn’t possible, talking to another person about how you’re feeling can make the emotion less intense and can have a therapeutic effect on the brain.
3. Owning your response
Lisa Feldman Barrett: How the Brain Creates Emotions | MIT Artificial General Intelligence (AGI)
In order to understand what you’re feeling, reflect on the way you reacted and dealt with the situation.
“Think about what has got you to this point,” says Tarratt, “and how you can prevent that in future. If it’s unavoidable, such as grief, think about your behaviour and how you could have perhaps handled the emotions better.”
4. Make time for self-care
Any self-care activities you find effective, or that calm and relax you, will be beneficial. Studies have consistently shown that exercise is beneficial to emotional stress, including a 2015 study published in the journal Cognition and Emotion which found people experiencing difficult emotions regulated those emotions better after moderate aerobic exercise, such as jogging.
Tarratt also recommends practising forgiveness and gratitude towards the situations and people surrounding you.
Can you subconsciously suppress emotions?
Repressed emotions are feelings you unconsciously avoid. These are different from feelings you actively push aside because they overwhelm you. Repressed emotions can lead to health problems over time.
What Are Repressed Emotions?
Some people express their emotions openly. Others tend to hide them. But hiding your emotions doesn’t necessarily mean you’re repressing them.
There’s a lot of debate about repressed emotions. There are also many definitions.
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Repression usually refers to the tendency to avoid uncomfortable feelings. You unconsciously push painful feelings, thoughts, or memories out of your consciousness. This lets you forget them. You may do this for fear of damaging your positive self-image. These are unprocessed emotions. But they can still affect your actions.
Repressed emotions can be a way to protect your mind from painful situations. This can happen to a child who is abused by a parent or caregiver. They might repress the memories of abuse and their emotions. They then become unaware or partly unaware of them. The abuse still affects them, though. It might cause relationship problems in adulthood.
What’s more, some people have a tendency to unconsciously avoid negative feelings that threaten your self-image in all your experiences.
Or, you might see yourself as always in control of how you feel and try to avoid conversations where people talk about their troubles. These are repressive tendencies. You might unconsciously do this so you don’t have to feel sadness or anxiety. Those feelings can make you feel like you’re losing control.
You might’ve learned to repress your emotions if you were raised in a dysfunctional family. You learn how to communicate and control your emotions as a child. Dysfunctional families have members who haven’t gotten help for things like:
Fear
Anger
Pain
Shame
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They might also have problems like abuse, addiction, or mental illness. But no one talks about those problems. This leads to children and adults who repress their emotions and deny their own needs.
Repressed emotions can also lead to things like:
Denying feelings
Ignoring feelings
Avoiding communication
Avoiding touch
Distrust
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Suppression vs. Repression
Repressed emotions are not the same as suppressed emotions. Suppression happens when you actively push uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, or memories out of your consciousness. This is because you don’t know what to do with them.
Some people call suppression shutting down. Sometimes this leads to numbing yourself with scrolling on your phone, watching TV, or doing any other activity so you don’t have to feel your emotions.
This type of behavior can be temporary. You might do this in your workplace when you’re frustrated with a coworker but you still have to work together and finish a project. You set aside your feelings because you don’t really know what to do with them and then deal with them later at home.
Signs of Repressed Emotions
There isn’t a lot of research that indicates that repressed emotions cause health problems.
But your overall emotional and mental health is directly linked to your physical health. Repressed anger or other negative emotions may be tied to a higher risk for things like:
Lisa Feldman Barrett, "How Emotions Are Made"
Depression
High blood pressure
Heart disease
Digestive problems
Infections
Low energy
Pain
You might also have problems in your relationships. You could have trouble:
Saying what you need
Facing conflict
Feeling connected and intimate with others
How to Release Repressed Emotions
You might not realize that you repress your emotions. If you have trouble in your relationships or you’re uncomfortable with negative feelings, these might be signs that you tend to unconsciously avoid them.
The best way to learn to take charge of your emotions is to see a licensed therapist. They can help you understand your feelings. They can also teach you ways to manage conflict and communicate better.
You can practice expressing yourself on your own, too. Try these tips alone at first and then with someone you trust. When you feel positive or negative emotions:
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Say what you feel out loud in the moment.
Use “I” statements that help you own your feelings (“I feel sad” or “I feel angry”).
Eventually practice with friends and acquaintances in moments of conflict.
Speak from your experience when you express your emotions. Don’t blame the other person. Be ready and willing to hear their point of view.
How can I control my emotions when stressed?
The ability to experience and express emotions is more important than you might realize.
As the felt response to a given situation, emotions play a key part in your reactions. When you’re in tune with them, you have access to important knowledge that helps with:
decision-making
relationship success
day-to-day interactions
self-care
While emotions can have a helpful role in your daily life, they can take a toll on your emotional health and interpersonal relationships when they start to feel out of control.
Vicki Botnick, a therapist in Tarzana, California, explains that any emotion — even elation, joy, or others you’d typically view as positive — can intensify to a point where it becomes difficult to control.
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With a little practice, though, you can take back the reigns. Two studies from 2010Trusted Source suggest that having good emotional regulation skills is linked to well-being. Plus, the second one found a potential link between these skills and financial success, so putting in some work on that front may literally pay off.
Here are some pointers to get you started.
1. Take a look at the impact of your emotions
Intense emotions aren’t all bad.
“Emotions make our lives exciting, unique, and vibrant,” Botnick says. “Strong feelings can signify that we embrace life fully, that we’re not repressing our natural reactions.”
It’s perfectly normal to experience some emotional overwhelm on occasion— when something wonderful happens, when something terrible happens, when you feel like you’ve missed out.
So, how do you know when there’s a problem?
Emotions that regularly get out of hand might lead to:
relationship or friendship conflict
difficulty relating to others
trouble at work or school
an urge to use substances to help manage your emotions
physical or emotional outbursts
Find some time to take stock of just how your uncontrolled emotions are affecting your day-to-day life. This will make it easier to identify problem areas (and track your success).
Why you feel what you feel | Alan Watkins | TEDxOxford
2. Aim for regulation, not repression
You can’t control your emotions with a dial (if only it were that easy!). But imagine, for a moment, that you could manage emotions this way.
You wouldn’t want to leave them running at maximum all the time. You also wouldn’t want to switch them off entirely, either.
When you suppress or repress emotions, you’re preventing yourself from experiencing and expressing feelings. This can happen consciously (suppression) or unconsciously (repression).
Either can contribute to mental and physical health symptoms, including:
anxiety
depression
sleep issues
muscle tension and pain
difficulty managing stress
substance misuse
When learning to exercise control over emotions, make sure you aren’t just sweeping them under the rug. Healthy emotional expression involves finding some balance between overwhelming emotions and no emotions at all.
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3. Identify what you’re feeling
Taking a moment to check in with yourself about your mood can help you begin gaining back control.
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Say you’ve been seeing someone for a few months. You tried planning a date last week, but they said they didn’t have time. Yesterday, you texted again, saying, “I’d like to see you soon. Can you meet this week?”
They finally reply, more than a day later: “Can’t. Busy.”
You’re suddenly extremely upset. Without stopping to think, you hurl your phone across the room, knock over your wastebasket, and kick your desk, stubbing your toe.
Interrupt yourself by asking:
What am I feeling right now? (disappointed, confused, furious)
What happened to make me feel this way? (They brushed me off with no explanation.)
Does the situation have a different explanation that might make sense? (Maybe they’re stressed, sick, or dealing with something else they don’t feel comfortable explaining. They might plan to explain more when they can.)
What do I want to do about these feelings? (Scream, vent my frustration by throwing things, text back something rude.)
Is there a better way of coping with them? (Ask if everything’s OK. Ask when they’re free next. Go for a walk or run.)
By considering possible alternatives, you’re reframing your thoughts, which can help you modify your first extreme reaction.
It can take some time before this response becomes a habit. With practice, going through these steps in your head will become easier (and more effective).
Emotional laws are the answer for better relationships: Diana Wais at TEDxThessaloniki
4. Accept your emotions — all of them
If you’re trying to get better at managing emotions, you might try downplaying your feelings to yourself.
When you hyperventilate after receiving good news or collapse on the floor screaming and sobbing when you can’t find your keys, it might seem helpful to tell yourself, “Just calm down,” or “It’s not that big of a deal, so don’t freak out.”
But this invalidates your experience. It is a big deal to you.
Accepting emotions as they come helps you get more comfortable with them. Increasing your comfort around intense emotions allows you to fully feel them without reacting in extreme, unhelpful ways.
To practice accepting emotions, try thinking of them as messengers. They’re not “good” or “bad.” They’re neutral. Maybe they bring up unpleasant feelings sometimes, but they’re still giving you important information that you can use.
For example, try:
“I’m upset because I keep losing my keys, which makes me late. I should put a dish on the shelf by the door so I remember to leave them in the same place.”
Accepting emotions may lead toTrusted Source greater life satisfaction and fewer mental health symptoms. What’s more, people thinking of their emotions as helpful may lead toTrusted Source higher levels of happiness.
Feelings: Handle them before they handle you | Mandy Saligari | TEDxGuildford
5. Keep a mood journal
Writing down (or typing up) your feelings and the responses they trigger can help you uncover any disruptive patterns.
Sometimes, it’s enough to mentally trace emotions back through your thoughts. Putting feelings onto paper can allow you to reflect on them more deeply.
It also helps you recognize when specific circumstances, like trouble at work or family conflict, contribute to harder-to-control emotions. Identifying specific triggers makes it possible to come up with ways to manage them more productively.
Journaling provides the most benefit when you do it daily. Keep your journal with you and jot down intense emotions or feelings as they happen. Try to note the triggers and your reaction. If your reaction didn’t help, use your journal to explore more helpful possibilities for the future.
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6. Take a deep breath
There’s much to be said for the power of a deep breath, whether you’re ridiculously happy or so angry you can’t speak.
Slowing down and paying attention to your breath won’t make the emotions go away (and remember, that’s not the goal).
Still, deep breathing exercises can help you ground yourself and take a step back from the first intense flash of emotion and any extreme reaction you want to avoid.
The next time you feel emotions starting to take control:
Breathe in slowly. Deep breaths come from the diaphragm, not the chest. It may help to visualize your breath rising from deep in your belly.
Hold it. Hold your breath for a count of three, then let it out slowly.
Consider a mantra. Some people find it helpful to repeat a mantra, like “I am calm” or “I am relaxed.”
7. Know when to express yourself
There’s a time and place for everything, including intense emotions. Sobbing uncontrollably is a pretty common response to losing a loved one, for example. Screaming into your pillow, even punching it, might help you relieve some anger and tension after being dumped.
Other situations, however, call for some restraint. No matter how frustrated you are, screaming at your boss over an unfair disciplinary action won’t help.
Being mindful of your surroundings and the situation can help you learn when it’s OK to let feelings out and when you might want to sit with them for the moment.
You are contagious | Vanessa Van Edwards | TEDxLondon
8. Give yourself some space
Getting some distance from intense feelings can help you make sure you’re reacting to them in reasonable ways, according to Botnick.
This distance might be physical, like leaving an upsetting situation, for example. But you can also create some mental distance by distracting yourself.
While you don’t want to block or avoid feelings entirely, it’s not harmful to distract yourself until you’re in a better place to deal with them. Just make sure you do come back to them. Healthy distractions are only temporary.
Try:
taking a walk
watching a funny video
talking to a loved one
spending a few minutes with your pet
9. Try meditation
If you practice meditation already, it might be one of your go-to methods for coping with extreme feelings.
Meditation can help you increase your awareness of all feelings and experiences. When you meditate, you’re teaching yourself to sit with those feelings, to notice them without judging yourself or attempting to change them or make them go away.
As mentioned above, learning to accept all of your emotions can make emotional regulation easier. Meditation helps you increase those acceptance skills. It also offers other benefits, like helping you relax and get better sleep.
Our guide to different kinds of meditation can help you get started.
Choices that can Change your Life | Caroline Myss | TEDxFindhornSalon
10. Stay on top of stress
When you’re under a lot of stress, managing your emotions can become more difficult. Even people who generally can control their emotions well might find it harder in times of high tension and stress.
Reducing stress, or finding more helpful ways to manage it, can help your emotions become more manageable.
Mindfulness practices like meditation can help with stress, too. They won’t get rid of it, but they can make it easier to live with.
Other healthy ways to cope with stress include:
getting enough sleep
making time to talk (and laugh) with friends
exercise
spending time in nature
making time for relaxation and hobbies
11. Talk to a therapist
If your emotions continue to feel overwhelming, it may be time to seek professional support.
Long-term or persistent emotional dysregulation and mood swings are linked to certain mental health conditions, including borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. Trouble controlling emotions can also relate to trauma, family issues, or other underlying concerns, Botnick explains.
A therapist can offer compassionate, judgment-free support as you:
explore factors contributing to dysregulated emotions
address severe mood swings
learn how down-regulate intense feelings or up-regulate limited emotional expression
practice challenging and reframing feelings that cause distress
Mood swings and intense emotions can provoke negative or unwanted thoughts that eventually trigger feelings of hopelessness or despair.
This cycle can eventually lead to unhelpful coping methods like self-harm or even thoughts of suicide. If you begin thinking about suicide or have urges to self-harm, talk to a trusted loved one who can help you get support right away.
How can I release negative emotions?
Stop Waiting for Life to Happen | Peter Sage | TEDxKlagenfurt
About negative emotions
Negative emotions can be described as any feeling which causes you to be miserable and sad. These emotions make you dislike yourself and others, and reduce your confidence and self-esteem, and general life satisfaction.
Emotions that can become negative are hate, anger, jealousy and sadness. Yet, in the right context, these feelings are completely natural. Negative emotions can dampen our enthusiasm for life, depending on how long we let them affect us and the way we choose to express them.
Holding onto negative emotions causes a downward spiral
Negative emotions stop us from thinking and behaving rationally and seeing situations in their true perspective. When this occurs, we tend to see only what we want to see and remember only what we want to remember. This only prolongs the anger or grief and prevents us from enjoying life.
The longer this goes on, the more set the problem becomes. Dealing with negative emotions inappropriately can also be harmful – for example, expressing anger with violence.
Emotions are complex reactions
Emotions are complex reactions involving many biological and physiological processes within our bodies. Our brain responds to our thoughts by releasing hormones and chemicals, which send us into a state of arousal. All emotions come about in this way, whether positive or negative.
It’s a complex process and often we don't have the skills to deal with negative feelings. That’s why we find it hard to cope when we experience them.
How to deal with negative emotions
There are a number of coping strategies to deal with negative emotions. These include:
The power of letting go | Insa Klasing | TEDxBerlin
- Don’t blow things out of proportion by going over them time and again in your mind.
- Try to be reasonable – accept that bad feelings are occasionally unavoidable and think of ways to make yourself feel better.
- Relax – use pleasant activities like reading, walking or talking to a friend.
- Learn – notice how grief, loss and anger make you feel, and which events trigger those feelings so you can prepare in advance.
- Exercise – aerobic activity lowers your level of stress chemicals and allows you to cope better with negative emotions.
- Let go of the past – constantly going over negative events robs you of the present and makes you feel bad.
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