What I Had to Do to Stop Hating Myself
While pictures that people post on social media would have you think otherwise, many people suffer from self-loathing.
Grammy Award-winning artist Shawn Colvin talks about her experience with depression and the ensuing self-loathing.
There are steps we can take to stop hating ourselves, starting with challenging the idea that everyone else loves themselves completely, always.
We are perpetually bombarded with the notion that everyone else in the world loves themselves. When we look at our social media sites, we are inundated with people smiling, enjoying their lives, doing amazing things in amazing places with amazing people. Even others sharing their relatively common life experiences—walking in a park, having a meal, enjoying their favorite song—all seem to convey to us that everyone else has figured out how to love themselves. They appear to be happy, fulfilled, and generally feeling good about themselves and their lives.
Source: Mayur Gala/Unsplash
Source: Mayur Gala/Unsplash
For those of us who love ourselves and our lives without question or pause, those images are wonderful. But often, this ongoing impression that self-love is an easily acquired attribute backfires. Because somewhere along the way, in the midst of all of the self-love that surrounds us and that we may even have for ourselves, an uncomfortable thought emerges in our head:
“I hate myself.”
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What does it feel like to hate ourselves? This experience can be as diffuse as it is disturbing. Often it is just a gut reaction. We don’t necessarily know exactly why we hate ourselves—we just know it to be true. It feels as real to us as when we hate another person. But for others, self-hatred is associated with more clearly defined thoughts. We feel like we have no redeeming value. We are worthless and useless.
In the most extreme cases, we want to disconnect from the self-hatred and end our relationship with ourselves. We may passively contemplate death or even actively contemplate suicide. And once we have experienced the depths of our self-hatred, our self-loathing always exists just below the surface, lying in wait, ready to rear its ugly head when we are at our most vulnerable.
How did we start hating ourselves to begin with?
There is no one clear road to self-hatred. But generally speaking, there is often a final common pathway. We generally hate ourselves because we feel helpless about our life in some way. We feel as though we want things to be different, but for whatever reason, we don’t think we can change. Perhaps it is a series of interactions we had with family members that left us feeling bad about ourselves. Or maybe we experienced a traumatic event for which we blame ourselves.
Sometimes, self-hatred is strongly tied to mental illness, particularly depression. While many people theorize that it is self-hatred that leads to depression, my experience working with people who struggle with depression is that self-hatred is a reaction to the inability to control their mood. They feel helpless in the presence of their recurrent and unpredictable negative mood.
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how i stopped hating myself & how you can too.
Often when we feel the helplessness that leads to self-hatred, we not only experience a great deal of emotional pain and suffering, but we also are convinced that we will no longer be able to achieve our goals or our purpose in life. And thus, we are helpless to have the life that we want. Further, our internal dialogue changes. We stop having a “conversation” with ourselves and start beating ourselves up.
We no longer even question our self-hatred. We just experience the feelings and repeat the thoughts over and over again. This cycle of painful emotions, inability to make changes in our life, and beating ourselves up emotionally creates a toxic spiral from which we struggle to recover.
So how do we stop hating ourselves?
I have been thinking a lot about this question since talking with Grammy Award-winning musician Shawn Colvin on The Hardcore Humanism Podcast. During our conversation, Colvin explained how she struggled with depression and alcoholism and how she experienced self-loathing during the pandemic. And the wisdom she shared from how she coped with depression helped inform my thoughts on how we can cope with self-hatred. In essence, in order to soothe our self-hatred, we need to make friends with, rather than reject, our self-hatred.
The first step towards making friends with our self-hatred is challenging the notion that everyone else in the world loves themselves wholly and completely all of the time. It’s simply not true. Much of what we see on social media is an aspirational snapshot rather than a comprehensive representation of their lives. But if we recognize that many people out there struggle with self-hatred, we will feel less alone and isolated.
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Second, one of the most important and critical mistakes that we make when we engage in self-hatred is we assume that this is the final judgment we have on ourselves and on our lives. By doing so, we close off any new information from coming in that may challenge our self-hatred. We need to move from a judgment frame to a learning frame. Colvin referred to this stance on life as one of humility. This is where we try to stay open-minded to new conversations coming in that might challenge our self-hating viewpoint.
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Next, as we open our minds to challenging our self-hatred, we can look for ways to combat the helplessness we feel by looking to take action of some kind. As an example, when we are feeling depressed, we may feel so incapacitated that we are unable to go to work or even get out of bed. It would be natural for us to feel helpless in those moments. But we can look around for any act—no matter how seemingly small—that we can do. For example, even turning on the television and watching is an action. Eventually getting out of bed and moving to the couch is an action. We do what we can when we can as a way of building momentum and challenging the paralyzing feeling of helplessness.
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In addition, in order to combat self-hatred, we must restart the conversation with ourselves rather than engage in the repetitive emotional beatdowns we endure from ourselves. This is the process by which we really become friends with our self-hatred. We must listen to and validate the helplessness we feel and recognize that self-hatred is an expression of that anger arising from helplessness. This dialogue, in combination with humility and action, begins a more virtuous cycle—one in which we accept and understand ourselves and try to be compassionate. This process of self-compassion eventually becomes a new voice to exist side-by-side with and perhaps even eventually replace the self-hatred.
Finally, when we experience self-loathing, we often distance ourselves from others. It is crucial that we seek out people—therapists, support groups, friends, and family—who understand that we struggle with self-hatred and support us as we learn to engage in a more compassionate approach to ourselves. It is important that these people understand and empathize with, rather than attempt to suppress, our self-hatred.
And by making friends with our self-hatred, we can begin the path to a new conversation with ourselves.
Do you often have the thought, "I hate myself"? If you are filled with feelings of self-hatred, you know how frustrating they can be. Not only does self-hatred limit what you can achieve in life, but it also worsens mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression.
In order to get over feelings of self-hatred, it’s important to recognize the signs and symptoms, understand the underlying causes and triggers, realize the powerful effects it has on your life, and finally, make a plan to get over those feelings of self-hatred and develop healthy coping skills to feel better.
lets talk about how to finally stop *HATING YOURSELF* & have CONFIDENCE & SeLF LoVE 💖
The Toxic Effects of Negative Self-Talk
Signs of Self-Hatred
Below are some of the tell-tale signs that you might be living with self-hatred, beyond having occasional negative self-talk.
All-or-nothing thinking: You see yourself and your life as either good or bad, without any shades of gray in between. If you make a mistake, you feel as though everything is ruined or that you're a failure.
Focus on the negative: Even if you have a good day, you tend to focus on the bad things that happened or what went wrong instead.
Emotional reasoning: You take your feelings as facts. If you notice that you are feeling bad or like a failure, then you assume that your feelings must reflect the truth of the situation and that you are, in fact, bad.
Low self-esteem: You generally have low self-esteem and don’t feel as though you measure up when comparing yourself to others in daily life.
Seeking approval: You are constantly seeking outside approval from others to validate your self-worth. Your opinion of yourself changes depending on how others evaluate you or what they think of you.
Can’t accept compliments: If someone says something good about you, you discount what was said or think that they are just being nice. You have trouble accepting compliments and tend to brush them off instead of graciously accepting them.
Trying to fit in: You find that you always feel like an outsider and are always trying to fit in with others. You feel as though people dislike you and can’t understand why they would want to spend time with you or actually like you.
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Taking criticism personally: You have a hard time when someone offers criticism, and tend to take it as a personal attack or think about it long after the fact.
Often feeling jealous: You find yourself jealous of others and may cut them down in order to make yourself feel better about your situation in life.
Fearful of positive connections: You may push away friends or potential partners out of fear when someone gets too close, and believe that it will end badly or you will end up alone.
Throwing pity parties for yourself: You have a tendency to throw pity parties for yourself and feel as though you have been dealt a bad lot in life, or that everything is stacked against you.
Afraid to dream big: You are afraid to have dreams and aspirations and feel as though you need to continue to live your life in a protected way. You may be afraid of failure, afraid of success, or look down on yourself regardless of what you achieve.
Hard on yourself: If you make a mistake, you have a very hard time forgiving yourself. You may also have regrets about things you have done in the past or failed to do. You may have trouble letting go and moving past mistakes.
Cynical viewpoint: You see the world in a very cynical way and hate the world that you live in. You feel as though people with a positive outlook are naive about the way that the world really works. You don’t see things getting any better and have a very bleak outlook on life.
Causes of Self-Hatred
If those signs sounded all too familiar, you're probably wondering why you hate yourself and how you ended up here. You might not immediately know the answers to these questions, so it’s important to take some time to reflect. Below are some possible causes to consider.
How To Stop Hating Yourself!
It's important to remember that not everyone who experiences self-hatred will have had the same life experiences. There is no singular path that leads to thinking, "I hate myself." Consider your unique circumstances and what might have brought you to this point.
Negative Inner Critic
If you are thinking "I hate myself," chances are that you have a negative inner critic who constantly puts you down.1 This critical voice might compare you to others or tell you that you are not good enough.
You might feel as though you are different from other people and that you don’t measure up. These thoughts may leave you feeling like an outcast or a fraud when you are with other people.
The inner critic is like a frenemy who is intent on undermining your success. This voice in your head is filled with self-hate, and can also evolve into paranoia and suspiciousness if you listen long enough. The inner critic doesn’t want you to experience success, so it will even cut you down when you do accomplish something good.
The following are some things your inner critic might say:
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"Who do you think you are to do that?"
"You are never going to succeed no matter how hard you try."
"You’re going to mess this up just like you mess up everything else."
"Why would a person like that like you? There must be an ulterior motive."
"You can’t trust anyone. They are just going to let you down."
"You might as well eat that dessert. You’re just going to end up eating too much anyway."
If you have a voice in your head like this, you might come to believe that these types of critical thoughts are the truth. If the voice tells you that you are worthless, stupid, or unattractive, you might eventually come to believe those things. And with those thoughts, comes the belief that you aren’t worthy of love, success, confidence, or the chance to make mistakes.
The more you listen to that critical inner voice, the more power you give to it. In addition, you might eventually start to project your own insecurities onto other people, leaving you paranoid, suspicious, and unable to accept love and kindness. If this sounds like you, then chances are that you have been listening to your negative inner critic for far too long.
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Where does that negative inner critic come from? It isn’t likely that you developed that voice in your head all by yourself. Rather, most often, the negative inner critic arises from past negative life experiences. These could be childhood experiences with your parents,2 bullying from peers, or even the outcome of a bad relationship.
Stop Hating Yourself | Russell Brand
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Childhood Experiences
Did you grow up with parents who were critical of you? Or did you have a parent who seemed to be stressed, angry, or tense, and who made you feel as though you needed to walk on eggshells?
If so, you may have learned to be quiet and fade into the background. Childhood experiences or trauma such as abuse, neglect, being over-controlled, or being criticized can all lead to the development of a negative inner voice.3
Bad Relationships
Not all critical inner voices begin during childhood. If you were in a relationship or friendship with someone who engaged in the same types of behaviors, the experience could also have created a negative inner voice.
This could even include a work relationship with a co-worker or supervisor with a tendency to put you down or make you feel inferior. Any type of relationship has the potential to set a negative tone in your mind and create a negative inner voice that's hard to shake.
What Is a Toxic Relationship?
Bullying
Were you the victim of bullying in school, at work, or in another relationship? Even transient relationships with people can create lasting memories that impact your self-concept and affect your self-esteem.
Overcoming Self-Hatred
If you find yourself having flashback memories of seemingly insignificant events with bullies from your past or present, it could be that the experience has had a long-lasting effect on your mind. If your negative inner voice replays the words of your real-life bullies, you have some deeper work to do to release those thoughts rather than internalize them.
Traumatic Events
Have you experienced any traumatic life events like a car accident, physical attack, or significant loss? If so, the loss might leave you wondering, "why me?" which can evolve into feelings of shame or regret, particularly if you feel you were somehow at fault.
Environmental Triggers
Long after original events, you might find yourself being triggered by things that happen in your daily life. For example, a new co-worker might remind you of a past bad experience at work, or a new friend might trigger an unpleasant memory from your childhood.
If you find yourself having an emotional reaction to a situation that seems out of proportion to what has happened, you may need to do more work to uncover the things that are holding you back. Many find this process is made easier with the help of a therapist or other mental health professional.
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Negative Self-Concept
Do you have a negative self-concept, poor self-image, or low self-esteem? When you have thoughts of self-hatred, small problems can be magnified into much larger ones. You may feel as though the bad things that happen are a reflection of your own inherent "badness."
Why I hate myself... on self-loathing
For example, you're at a party and you tell a joke that falls flat. Instead of rolling with the punches and moving on, your negative self-concept might induce a spiral into negative thoughts such as "everyone hates me" and "I’ll never be able to make any friends."
Mental Health Conditions
A feeling of self-hatred could also be the result of a mental health condition such as depression or anxiety. Depression, for example, can cause symptoms such as hopelessness, guilt, and shame, which can make you feel as though you are not good enough.4 Unfortunately, the nature of depression also means that you are unable to see through this cognitive bias to recognize that it is your depression that is making you think this way.
The more that your condition influences your thoughts, the more likely it is that you will start to see this negative view of yourself as your reality. This can leave you feeling as though you are not worthy and do not belong. You may feel isolated and different from everyone else.
Common Symptoms of Clinical Depression
Outcomes of Self-Hatred
Beyond the causes of self-hatred, it’s important to understand the outcomes that can result when your thoughts continually reinforce that self-hatred. Below are some potential outcomes:
You might stop trying to do things because you feel they will only end badly.
You might engage in self-destructive behavior such as using substances, eating too much, or isolating yourself.
You might sabotage your own efforts or fail to take care of yourself.
You might unknowingly choose people who are bad for you or who will take advantage of you, such as toxic friends or partners.
You may struggle with low self-confidence and low self-esteem.
You might have trouble making decisions and feel as though you need others to guide you when you become paralyzed in indecision.
You might have a perfectionist tendency and struggle to get things done.
You might excessively worry about daily problems or your future.
You find it hard to believe good things about yourself and feel like others are just being nice or manipulative when they compliment you.
You might not be able to go after your goals and dreams and feel held back.
You may doubt your abilities and what you can accomplish.
You might view the future as being very bleak and have no positive expectations.
You may feel as though you don’t belong anywhere and that you are an outcast and disconnected from the world around you.
Many of the outcomes of self-hatred are similar to the signs of self-hatred. In this way, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy from which you cannot easily escape. As long as you stay in this cycle of self-hatred, you’ll never move forward. But with help, you can break the cycle.
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If you are having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self harm, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.
For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.
How to Combat Self-Hatred
If you are looking to get over self-hatred, there are a number of things you can do to break the cycle. Above all else, remember that you are not to blame for how you feel, but you are responsible from this day forward for the actions that you take toward making positive changes.
Try Journaling
Keep a journal to reflect on your day and how you felt about what happened. Reflect on the events of the day, examine situations that may have triggered certain emotions, and be mindful of the root causes of any feelings of self-hatred.
As you journal each day, look for patterns and aim to become more aware of how your emotions shift. Research shows that expressive writing such as journaling can help to reduce psychological distress.5
Talk Back to Your Inner Critic
As you start to become more aware of your emotions and their triggers, try to identify the thoughts that you have when faced with negative events. Ask yourself questions about whether your thoughts are realistic, or whether you are engaging in thought distortions.
Jordan Peterson | Hating Yourself
Try standing up to your inner bully by countering that inner voice with arguments to the contrary. If you find it hard to build up a strong voice on your own, imagine yourself taking on the role of a stronger person you know—such as a friend, famous person, or superhero—and talking back to the critical voice in your head.
Practice Self-Compassion
Instead of hating yourself, practice showing yourself compassion. This means looking at situations in a different light, seeing the good things that you have accomplished, and ending black-or-white thinking. What would you say to a friend or loved one who was having similar thoughts about themselves?
Was that one bad thing that happened really the end of the world? Could you reframe the situation to see it as a setback instead of a catastrophe? When you can be kinder to yourself, you’ll open yourself up to more positive feelings and a positive inner voice. Research shows that compassion-focused therapy can improve self-esteem, which could be helpful to reduce self-hatred.6
Spend Time With Positive People
Instead of hanging out with people who make you feel bad, start hanging out with people who make you feel good. If you don’t have any positive people your everyday life, consider joining a support group. If you aren’t sure where to find one, the National Alliance on Mental Illness is a good place to start, regardless of what type of mental health issues you might be facing.
The 5 Best Depression Support Groups of 2021
Practice Meditation
If you find it hard to slow down and detach yourself from your negative thinking, try starting a regular meditation practice. Engaging in meditation is a way to shut off the negative voice in your head. It’s also like a muscle; the more that you practice, the easier that it will be to quiet your mind and let go of negative thoughts.
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See a Therapist
If you are struggling with your mental health, you might benefit from seeing a therapist. While it’s possible to shift your mindset on your own, a therapist can help you deal with past trauma more quickly and guide you to more helpful thinking patterns.
Here's How to Find the Right Therapist for You
Take Care of Yourself
Instead of engaging in self-destructive behaviors, engage in self-care. This approach means taking care of your physical and mental health by doing all the things that will keep you feeling good. Eat healthy food, get regular exercise, get enough sleep, reduce social media and screen time, spend time in nature, and talk kindly to yourself, to name a few examples.
Move Toward Living the Life You Want
The antidote to feeling bad all the time might be to start taking small steps toward what you want in life. That might mean finding a new career path, traveling, getting out of debt, ending a relationship, starting a family, or moving far away. Determine your values and then start acting in accordance with them. Once you start to align with your values, it will be easier to feel confident in yourself.
A Word From Verywell
It’s easy to think that you are the only one who struggles with thoughts of self-hatred. The truth is that many people feel the same way that you do, and there are ways to get past it.
How to stop hating yourself | Learning to love yourself
If you’re still struggling to get over these feelings, it could be that an underlying mental health issue is contributing to your negative thinking patterns. If you haven’t already been assessed by a mental health professional, this should be your first step. If you are diagnosed with a mental disorder, this could be the starting point to finally making positive changes in your life.
On the other hand, if you don't have a diagnosable disorder, or if you have already seen a mental health professional and are receiving treatment, then your best course of action is to follow through with your treatment plan and consider trying some of the above-mentioned set of coping strategies to manage your negative thinking.
If this feels hard, you might benefit from an accountability partner or someone else who will check in with you regularly to make sure that you are keeping up with your positive habits. While it might feel hard to confide in someone that you need help, you also might be surprised at how willing others will be to help when you ask.
There’s no reason to keep living your life with the thoughts about hating yourself. Today, you can take the first step toward feeling better and living a life that isn’t filled with self-hatred and negative thought patterns.
For most of us, the expression “you are your own worst enemy” holds a lot of truth. It’s a painful reality that much of what limits us in our lives is our own feelings of unworthiness and self-hatred. “I hate myself” is a fairly common thought.
Hate yourself? Just stop. Problem solved 🤠 (jk) || How I stopped hating myself & you can too ♡
But where do these feelings come from? How do they influence us? And how can we push past them to live a life free of the harsh attitudes of our inner critic?
The Critical Inner Voice and Self-Hatred
In their research, psychologists Dr. Robert and Lisa Firestone found that the most common self-critical thought among a diverse population of subjects tested is “You are different from other people.” Most people see themselves as different, not in some positive or special way, but in a negative sense. Even people who seem well-adjusted and well-liked in their social circles have deep-seated feelings of being an outcast or a fraud.
This feeling about ourselves is common because every person is divided. As Dr. Robert Firestone has described, each of us has a “real self,” a part of us that is self-accepting, goal-directed and life-affirming as well as an “anti-self,” a side of us that is self-hating, self-denying, paranoid and suspicious. The anti-self is expressed in our “critical inner voice.” The critical inner voice is like an internal coach negatively commentating on our lives, influencing how we behave and how we feel about ourselves. It’s there to undermine our goals: “Who do you think you are? You’ll never be successful!” It’s there to undercut our accomplishments: “This won’t end well. Sooner or later you’re going to mess up.” It’s there to sabotage our relationships: “She doesn’t really love you. You shouldn’t trust her.” It’s even there to criticize those close to us: “Why does he even hang out with you? There must be something wrong with him.” Finally, this voice can seem self-soothing, coddling us yet encouraging us to act in ways that our self-destructive, then punishing us for messing up: “Go ahead, have that second piece of cake. You’ve had a rough week you deserve it.” Later, it will fire with comments like: “You’re such a fat loser. How could you mess up on your diet again?”
While it may seem unnatural to view ourselves through this outside lens, we all possess this critical inner voice. For many of us, this thought process is so engrained that we hardly notice when it arises. Instead of recognizing this voice as the destructive enemy that it is, we mistake it for our real point of view, and we believe what it tells us about ourselves.
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“Why do I hate myself?”
“I hate myself” is a sadly common critical inner voice that people of all ages struggle with. Where then, do thoughts like these come from? What Dr. Robert and Lisa Firestone have found in their research is that these thoughts originate in negative early life experiences. The way we are viewed growing up and the attitudes directed toward us shape how we see ourselves. Harmful views directed at us by parents or other influential caretakers are internalized to make up our self-image. Just as our parent’s positive attitudes toward us may lead us to develop self-esteem and confidence, their more critical attitudes can promote just the opposite.
The point here is not to blame parents. However, it’s important to realize that no parent, or person for that matter, is perfect. Parents face a difficult struggle when they have children, as painful feelings arise from their own past. They may therefore react inappropriately or critically toward their children in moments of stress. Moreover, the critical feelings parents have toward themselves often come across to their children and are then internalized by the child. For example, if we had a parent who often acted like we were a nuisance, constantly quieting us or even just feeling tense in our presence, we may take on a feeling about ourselves that we are a bother. We may become overly shy or apologetic in our adult lives, quieting ourselves in our careers or taking a submissive position in our relationships.
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“How does self-hatred affect my daily life?” – The Effect of Your Critical Inner Voice
As adults, our critical inner voice impacts us in a variety of ways. We may adapt to it by treating it like a coach and listening to its destructive advice. When it repeatedly tells us we are worthless, we may choose friends and partners who treat us as if we are worthless. If it tells us we are stupid, we may lack confidence and make mistakes we wouldn’t make otherwise. If it tells us we aren’t attractive enough, we may resist putting ourselves out there and seeking a romantic relationship.
When we listen to our inner critic, we give it power over our lives. We may even start to project these critical thoughts onto others. We run the risk of starting to perceive the world through its negative filter. This is where paranoid and suspicious thoughts enter the picture, as we start to question or criticize people who see us differently from how our voice sees us. For example, we may struggle with positive acknowledgment or feedback, as it contradicts the ways we perceive ourselves. We may have trouble accepting love, as we fail to challenge our inner critic. While this voice is painful, it is also familiar. It’s been engrained in us since early childhood, and we therefore often struggle just to recognize it, much less challenge it.
“What can I do to stop hating myself?” – How You Can Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice
To stop our cycle of self-hatred and live free from imagined limitations, we must learn to challenge our inner critic. Overcoming our critical inner voice is the first step in a process of differentiation described by Dr. Robert and Lisa Firestone in their book The Self Under Siege. The book describes the four steps of differentiation, starting with breaking with the destructive thoughts and attitudes you’ve internalized toward yourself. Voice Therapy is a process that can be used to help people identify and challenge their critical inner voice. The process involves developing insight into the sources of these critical thoughts, then answering back to these attacks with a more compassionate and realistic point of view toward yourself. The next step is to challenge the destructive behaviors that the critical inner voice encourages you to engage in.
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The second step of differentiation involves challenging negative traits in yourself that are imitative of your parents or other important figures in your development. If you had a bossy or demanding father, for example, you should try to challenge ways that you yourself are controlling in your life. The third step of differentiation involves giving up the patterns of defense you formed as adaptations to the pain you experienced in your childhood. We may have formed these defenses as a form of protection as children, but these thoughts and behaviors can hurt us in our adult lives. For example, if you felt intruded on as a kid, you may have grown up seeking isolation or keeping to yourself for fear that you will be intruded on by others. You may thus avoid close relationships or harbor fears of intimacy. When we hold on to destructive adaptations from our past, we tend to suffer from lower self-esteem. We may struggle to feel like our true selves when our actions are so heavily influenced by our history.
Thus, the final step of differentiation involves figuring out your own beliefs, values and ideals. How do you want to live your life? What are your aspirations for your future? When we separate from our inner critic, we are far better able to get to know our real selves and to lead our lives with integrity. We can take actions and steps that reflect our wants and desires, which gives our lives unique meaning. As we pursue this goal of becoming our true selves, we may experience an increase in anxiety or an influx of critical inner voices. However, if we persist in challenging this internal enemy, it will become weaker and we can free ourselves further from feelings of self-hatred and start to live a more fulfilling existence.
It's easy to make New Year resolutions but it can be hard to stick to them. Whether that's giving up on learning an instrument just as soon as you've mastered one song, pulling a muscle during one of your new fitness sessions and then not returning to the gym, or not keeping to that strict diet that seemed like such a good idea just a few weeks ago.
If you struggle to keep up with your new regime do you then make matters worse by focussing on your ‘flaws’ and refusing to accept that being you - with your ability to play that one song on a guitar - is actually, well, just fine? Does the idea of telling yourself ‘I’m happy with who I am’ seem completely unimaginable?
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Loving yourself is hard. Really hard. It’s so much easier to love someone else than it is to look in the mirror and feel 100% satisfied with the person reflected back at you. And, at this time of year, when we self-impose a pressure to become a better version of ourselves it can feel that little bit harder.
We all know that we should be our own biggest supporters, but it seems most of us struggle to do just that - be it our looks, where we are in our lives, or the decisions we’ve made.
Instead, we tend to hate elements of ourselves and this can be brought to the fore at this time of year, when we look in the mirror and tell our reflection we're not living 'our best self'.
We hate that ‘ugly’ physical feature we were born with, we hate our lack of willpower when we fail to live up to our expectations, and we hate how we hate ourselves. It’s a cycle, and I don’t know anyone who can truly say they’ve never been affected by low self-esteem and insecurities.
Often, it's much easier to love someone else than it is to love yourself. But in 2019, instead of focusing on the typical resolutions we try every year - why not work on self-love? It's hard, but so worth it, especially for women.
“Men are hard on themselves, but women are particularly so,” explains clinical psychologist Linda Blair, who finds that most of her clients with these feelings are women. In 2016, a study that analysed almost a million men and women across 48 countries found that “overall, men tend to have higher self-esteem than women do”.
“What I say to them is, ‘What are you gaining by hating yourself? How is your life or the life of those around you better because you hate yourself?’ It’s a habit that isn’t making anyone happier, and if they realise this, it gives them a reason to change.”
Treat yourself like a friend
So, the main thing Blair recommends is to talk to yourself the way you would a friend. “We’re very kind to our friends but not to ourselves, and there’s no reason for that,” she says. “Advise yourself as if you were your best friend.”
For example, if you’re telling yourself that you’re a failure because you got fired, try and imagine a friend coming to you with that same problem. Chances are you would comfort them by encouraging them to accept the reasons why it happened, how it doesn’t define their entire character, and how there will be other opportunities out there for them.
Don’t compare yourself to people
“One of the biggest things we do is compare ourselves to other people, especially now with social media and Instagram,” says Jo Usmar, co-author of self-help books This Book Will Make You Calm and This Book Will Make You Happy.
“When we’re feeling insecure, we actively look for flaws in ourselves, and look for things that back up that negative view of ourselves. We also compare ‘upwards’ to people we feel have much better lives than us.” The most common example of this is the way we torture ourselves by spending hours looking wistfully at celebrities’ airbrushed Instagram feeds and wondering why we aren’t as pretty/cool/fun as them – even when we know it’s not reality.
It’s really hard to break this habit completely, so instead Usmar recommends the cognitive behavioural therapy approach of trying to compare fairly. “When you compare yourself and think, ‘Oh, Sarah’s done all this and we’re the same age,’ notice you’re doing it, stop, and make yourself look for a fair view,” she explains. “Like, ‘Yes, Sarah has the dream job but she works 6 days a week and gets home at 9pm, while I have a nice social life.’”
Obviously nobody has a perfect life – even that friend who always posts the best Insta pics – and we should always try to remember that.
Try to have a social media detox
As Usmar says, most comparison takes place on social media. A 2016 study of almost 2000 young adults found “social media use was significantly associated with increased depression”.
It’s why people like Usmar and Natasha Devon, mental health and body image campaigner, suggest detoxes. “It’s important to have a break from the constant comparison,” says Devon, who points out that most people don’t realise how many hours they spend on social media. One recent study estimated we could spend as much as five years of our lives scrolling through our feeds.
Devon has worked with many young people in schools and says, “those who have come off throughout the festive period have found it to be a really good exercise, and some are continuing it into the new year.” Many told her they've felt less anxious, and generally better about themselves.
You’re more than your body
Body image is a huge source of self-hatred and insecurity. This is particularly true of women, just 20% of whom in the UK say they have high body confidence. That's according to a Dove self-esteem study that interviewed 10,500 females across 13 countries. And, obsessing over physical 'flaws' can make you forget any other positive attributes. Devon says that instead of fixating over our looks, we should focus on other qualities.
“We’re more than the sum of our parts,” she says. “So often the things we compliment each other on have to do with looks - and it’s because we’re trying to be nice - but if you’re on the receiving end, what you subconsciously hear is, ‘I value you because of your shoes and hair’. I challenge people to do a compliment swap, where they focus on people’s personalities and characteristics instead. It reminds them why they’re really loved and valued.”
Write down compliments
In a similar vein, Usmar suggests writing down the nice things that people say about you. “For four days, write down every compliment you receive as soon as it happens. It doesn’t matter how small - write them down. You might not think you’ll get that many, but people are often surprised by how many positive comments come their way. Normally we’re too busy obsessing over the negative things we hear to notice the good things.”
She believes we have a tendency to dismiss positive things because it doesn’t fit with our negative view of ourselves. “By writing them down you force yourself to pay attention to them,” she explains. Plus, “when you do feel low or insecure, you have something you can read back and think, I did do something well.”
Be kind to yourself
The most important thing is being your own best friend and supporter. Being kind to yourself means recognising your needs, and not pushing yourself. That can range from accepting that you’re an introvert and won’t always be the life and soul of a party, to forgiving yourself for not working as hard as you could have when you were a student.
It’s also about not punishing yourself when you don’t fulfil a goal, and setting achievable goals in the first place. “Don’t set yourself up for a fall,” warns Usmar. “Sometimes, if you don’t like yourself, you’ll make unrealistic resolutions or plans, as a self-fulfilling prophecy to ‘prove’ you’re not good enough.”
“A lot of people are doing alternative new year's resolutions like relaxation and taking time to do something they enjoy,” says Devon.” She suggests doing things that make you happy instead of things you ‘have’ to do. A good tip is making an ‘I want’ list rather than a ‘to do’ list, as it reminds you of the reason you want to do something, and how it will help you.
Following these tips might not lead you straight to a state of self-love, but they will ease the self-hatred. Ditching your critical inner voice is always going to be a long journey, but it’s one well worth taking.
It’s hard to avoid comparing yourself to others. We all do it from time to time — at work, at school, with friends, on social media.
But this act of constantly evaluating how you measure up can have a big impact on your mental health and how you see yourself.
A simple “I’ll never look like Marissa,” can quickly spiral into “I’ll never be good enough for anyone.”
Before you know it, just looking at yourself in the mirror can trigger thoughts of self-hatred and frustration. These feelings can be particularly distressing if you already live with a mental health condition, such as anxiety or depression.
FIND HELP NOW
If you’re considering suicide or have thoughts of harming yourself, you can call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration at 1-800-662-HELP (4357).
5 Small Habits That Will Change Your Life
The 24/7 hotline will connect you with mental health resources in your area. Trained specialists can also help you find your state’s resources for treatment if you don’t have health insurance.
If you’re unsure if you’re experiencing self-hatred, you can check for a few of the common symptoms:
All or nothing statements. You see your life as a list of ultimatums, most of them resulting in catastrophe. For example, “If I fail this exam, I’ll flunk out of college and be a total loser.”
Only focusing on the negative. It doesn’t matter how good your day was — sunshine, ice cream, puppies — all you can think about is what went wrong.
Believing a feeling is a fact. Instead of “I feel like a failure,” you think, “I am a failure.”
Low self-esteem. You don’t feel like you’re good enough to be around friends and family, to apply for new jobs, or to put yourself out there for new opportunities.
If this all sounds familiar, don’t panic. Things might feel overwhelming right now, but trust us: You are worthy of love, especially from yourself.
Read on for some tips to get you started on the road to self-love.
1. Pay attention to your triggers
The first step to addressing any problem is understanding its root.
If you’re battling a severe bout of self-hatred, it can be helpful to sit with that feeling and try to identify where it came from. You don’t live in a vacuum, so consider what could have prompted these feelings.
Watch This If You're Struggling With Your Self-Worth
You’ve heard it a million times, but journaling can really help here. Try sitting down at the end of the day and walk through your day mentally. Try to jot down some notes about:
what you did
how you felt during different activities
who you were with throughout the day
If you don’t process best by writing, you can record short videos or voice memos for yourself on your phone. You can also simply reflect for a few moments on the events of the day.
Regardless of how you go about unpacking your day, try to keep an eye out for any common threads or patterns that might help you identify what triggers your negative thoughts.
Once you’ve identified some of your triggers, you can work on coming up with ways to avoid or minimize them. There are some triggers you might not be able to avoid, so it’s helpful to learn the tools to work through them.
2. Challenge your negative thoughts
Sometimes self-hatred pops up when you aren’t in a good place to journal or reflect. When this happens, try having an internal conversation with yourself.
For example, if you think, “I hate myself,” then it can be helpful to immediately ask, “Why?” If the answer is, “I look ugly in this dress,” or “I really messed up that meeting,” then try challenging that thought as well.
Say to yourself, “That’s not true.” Then think of reasons this negative thought is wrong.
Standing up to your own thoughts can feel daunting. If that’s the case, try imagining a separate identify to combat your thoughts. Maybe they’re a mix of all your favorite superheroes from childhood or a best friend. Imagine them coming in and stopping those negative or challenging those negative thoughts.
Don’t be discouraged if the positive side of things doesn’t win. Simply challenging these negative thoughts helps to reinforce the idea that self-hatred isn’t a fact or undeniable truth — it’s an emotion.
Self Hate (The Most Dangerous Coping Mechanism) - Teal Swan
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3. Practice positive self-talk
Self-hatred often comes in a moment when you don’t have compassion for yourself. If you have a period where you’re feeling good, try to write out a list of what you love about yourself.
If you can’t think of anything, don’t panic. Love is a strong emotion that’s hard to feel toward yourself in a low point. If it’s easier, try to think of things you simply like or don’t hate about yourself.
Maybe you take excellent care of your pet or always know just what to bring to a potluck.
Keep this list where you’ll see it every day. When the self-hatred thoughts come, stop, take a breath, and say out loud one of the items from your list.
Learn more about the benefits of positive self-talk and how to build it into your daily routine.
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4. Reframe your negative thoughts
Reframing is a therapy technique that can be used to address negative thoughts and self-hatred. It’s usually done by simply shifting your thoughts to a slightly different perspective.
It might involve thinking upsides of a bad situation or considering a frustration in a new light. However you decide to try it, reframing is about training your brain to find and focus on the positive.
For example, instead of saying, “I’m so bad at work presentations,” you could reframe the statement to, “I don’t feel like I did well in my presentation today.”
Yes, it’s a small change. But you’re taking an all-or-nothing statement and reframing it as a single instance.
This helps the negativity not feel so overwhelming or permanent. After all, messing up one work presentation is only one instance — and it means you can do better next time.
The next time you feel like saying, “I hate myself,” try to think of a small way you can reframe that statement to be more manageable and specific.
5. Spend time with people who make you happy
Self-hatred can make you want to isolate. You might feel like you don’t deserve to be around your friends or family. Or you might feel like no one even wants to be around you.
The Enigma of Self-Hate
While withdrawing from social situations may seem like the best action according to our negative self-talk, studies have shown this isn’t such a good idea.
Connecting with others is a huge part of our mental well-being because social interaction helps us to feel better about ourselves. It creates an environment in which we feel valued and cared for.
The best way to combat these negative thoughts is to spend time with our loved ones, whether that’s a friend, family member, or partner. Go for a coffee, see a movie together, or simply visit while taking a walk together.
Social interaction can help you feel recharged and valued.
Don’t have anyone to reach out to? Consider talking to others dealing with similar issues online. The Anxiety and Depression Association of America has an online support group for people dealing with a range of issues. The National Alliance on Mental Illness can also help you find a group in your area.
6. Practice self-compassion
This may be the hardest item on the list, but it’s perhaps the most helpful.
Self-compassion is different from self-love. It means accepting your negative thoughts, mistakes, and failures, and understanding them as messy human moments.
It means forgiving yourself in the same way you’d forgive a loved one for snapping at you in a moment of frustration.
The next time you find yourself spiraling down the self-hatred rabbit hole, try to cut yourself some slack. Acknowledge that you aren’t feeling great and remind yourself that’s okay.
Dwelling on certain actions you’ve taken that you aren’t proud of? Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes. Those actions don’t have to define you.
Of course, self-compassion doesn’t happen overnight. But studies have shown that, much like reframing or meditation, self-compassion is a trainable skill.
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7. Ask for help
Remember: You’re never alone in your mental health journey. Everyone has been where you are at one point or another, and most need a little help to get through.
It’s a good idea to practice the items on this list with the help of a trusted mental health professional. There’s no shame in asking for help. In fact, it’s the best way to learn how to manage your self-hatred and negative self-talk.
HOW TO FIND A THERAPIST
Finding a therapist can feel daunting, but it doesn’t have to be. Start by asking yourself a few basic questions:
Coping with Self-Hatred
What issues do you want to address? These can be specific or vague.
Are there any specific traits you’d like in a therapist? For example, are you more comfortable with someone who shares your gender?
How much can you realistically afford to spend per session? Do you want someone who offers sliding-scale prices or payment plans?
Where will therapy fit into your schedule? Do you need a therapist who can see you on a specific day of the week? Or someone who has nighttime sessions?
Next, start making a list of therapists in your area. If you live in the U.S., head over to the American Psychological Association’s therapist locator.
Concerned about the cost? Our guide to affordable therapy can help.
At the end of the day, learning how to go from, “I hate myself,” to “I will do better tomorrow,” is one of the most beneficial life skills you can have.
It won’t come easily, but it will eventually be in your toolbox, preparing you for whatever else life puts in your path.
