How to Stop Being A TOXIC Person (WARNING!)
What is Toxic Behavior and How to Deal with Toxic People?
At some point in our lives, we all come across someone who causes a lot of problems in our life. They may stir up trouble and be the reason behind some conflicts. These people are actually toxic individuals and the behavior they exhibit is called toxic behavior.
The toxic traits of a toxic person include unsupportive and unpleasant behavior, being manipulative, judgmental, controlling, and self-centered. Such people can be the cause of various negative feelings and emotions that you may be experiencing like depression, anxiousness, worthlessness, and unhappiness.
Most often than not, a toxic person can be your closest friend, someone you have known all your life, or someone who came into your life abruptly like a colleague or college friend and was suddenly very important to you. We tend to have blind spots for such people and we usually ignore their toxic behavior regardless of how bad and unpleasant they often make us feel. In this article, we’ll talk about how you can recognize the toxic behavior patterns exhibited by someone you are close to and what you can do to deal with such a person.
So Who is a Toxic Person Really?
To explain it in the most simple form, a toxic person is anyone whose behavior adds negativity and stress to your life. We often find ourselves asking this question “ why is this person behaving this way?” and “what exactly led this person to be so toxic?” And there is usually an answer to these questions. Many people who behave in a toxic manner have been through trauma themselves and instead of dealing with that trauma, these people start exhibiting toxic traits. These people usually don’t know how to process trauma and stress in a healthy manner so they end up being unpleasant around people.
Toxicity is not considered a mental disorder but some mental disorders can be the underlying cause of toxic behavior, like borderline personality disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, or bipolar disorder. As Christian Baloga, an award-winning artist and author has said:
How to stop being toxic / How to stop doing toxic things
“ Pay no attention to toxic words. What people say is often a reflection of themselves, not you.”
Traits of Toxic People
Toxic people exhibit some specific toxic traits. Here are some toxic traits you should familiarize yourself with. It will help you recognize the toxic behavior patterns of people around you:
Toxic people are very manipulative: Their methodology is to get people to do what they want. They are self-centered individuals. They tend to use people for their own and they use manipulation tactics to convince others to help them in their own agendas
They are judgemental: While they want people to not hold them accountable for their own actions, they tend to be very judgmental towards other people. They often criticize you in front of others to belittle you. They highlight your flaws and the things they believe you have done wrong.
They don’t apologize: They have this unwavering belief that they are never wrong. They tend to blame others for their own mistakes. They would even go so far as claiming the victim status to get the attention and sympathy of others.
They are narcissistic and aggressive individuals: They are superficially charming, glib, and exciting. They have a sense of entitlement that leads to remarkable selfishness. They tend to assert their dominance over the people around them and they often get aggressive if things don’t go their way.
They are inconsistent: They often change their perspective, attitude, and behavior depending on what they feel they need to accomplish or what they want to have happened.
Dealing with Toxic People
Even after learning about the signs of a toxic person and the way they make you feel, you still might not know how to deal with them. Here are a few ways in which you can handle such people:
HOW I STOPPED BEING TOXIC | LEVEL UP AND STOP BEING NEGATIVE!!!!
Be blunt
We are at times inclined towards being okay with the negative things a toxic person throws our way. We tend to stay quiet because we don’t want to have a difficult talk with someone or sometimes we just hate confrontation. But you should always speak up and stand up for yourself. Be blunt! If you feel someone is belittling you or toxic behavior patterns, call the person out. Let them know you don’t appreciate how they are behaving. If you call them out, they’ll know they can’t manipulate you and can’t take advantage of you.
Set boundaries
If you can’t get rid of a toxic person, set stricter boundaries and make sure the toxic person never crosses those boundaries. Stay calm and communicate your boundaries. Boundaries make our expectations clear, so others know what to expect from us and how we want to be treated.
Make yourself a priority
Besides being narcissistic or abusive, a person can display other behavior, which can also be toxic. An individual may desperately need your help to get out of a bad situation or might need you as emotional support to deal with a traumatic event. Whilst it’s okay to help a person like that, you need to make sure you don’t get emotionally drained out in the process. You might care about this particular person, but don’t offer support at the risk of your own well-being. You can offer help to someone but make sure you have enough emotional energy left to meet your own needs.
Learn to say NO
We are often very hesitant when it comes to saying no. It’s mostly not about self-esteem or confidence, some of us have this innate desire to go above and beyond for loved ones. For a toxic person, this can be an opportunity for exploitation.
For such people sticking to refusal can be hard because they might guilt trip you into doing what they want but you should stay firm and stand your ground. If you are not okay with something, bluntly say “no!!”.
Toxic Relationships + How to Fix Them
It may be challenging at first, especially when the toxic person will throw a dramatic tantrum to try to get their way. But the more you practice saying “no” to things you aren’t comfortable with, the easier it becomes.
Be compassionate but know that it’s not your job to fix them
Toxic people are not just toxic towards others, their behavior is toxic for themselves as well and it soon catches up to them. And just like everyone, even toxic people and capable of change.
We might want to lend a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on to the people we care about instead of avoiding them or writing them out of our lives, regardless of how toxic they are. You can offer compassion to such people but you need to keep in mind that you might not be able to change them completely.
If someone wants to change themselves they need to commit to it completely, you may offer support but don’t do it at the expense of your own emotional resources.
Toxic People in a Workplace
If you are someone who has been working in a corporate environment for a while, you must know the kind. These people are office bullies. Every workplace has at least a few of these negative, nagging, pestering, super-competitive, rude and mean-spirited people who threaten, shame, demean and raise their voices against their fellow co-workers. If you are someone who is dealing with a toxic person in the workplace you are not alone. According to a study 4 out 5 people currently work or have previously worked with a toxic colleague.
What to do if YOU are the Toxic Person | Adult Bullies | Coach Melannie
These individuals tend to create hindrances and obstacles to a productive and healthy work environment and their passive-aggressive attitude can annoy everyone, making the whole team grouchy and irritable. From distancing yourself to putting your foot down entirely, there are few things you can do to alleviate the toxic behavior of a co-worker.
Frequently give yourself a power check. Know that no one can make you feel inferior until you, yourself inadvertently feel that way. Be aware of your potential and don’t seek out validations from such people. This will restrict toxic people from invading your headspace. You can even launch a counterstrike and completely avoid such people and just surround yourself with positive and uplifting people. Uplifting people are a great counterbalance to toxicity. Lastly, just mentally move past the toxicity and focus on flourishing your career.
Toxic People in a Relationship
There are both toxic men and toxic women out there and we may end up getting involved with these individuals in a romantic way which may end up being disastrous in the end.
Toxic relationships by definition mean any relationship in which toxic partners behavior is emotionally and, not infrequently, physically damaging to the other partner. The most basic characteristics of toxic relationships are lack of trust, perpetual lying, and controlling behaviors.
"What If I'm The Toxic One In The Relationship?"
Relationships require time, work, and effort and both parties should be willing to put in the work and make the effort. The most triggering warning signs of a toxic relationship are violence, abuse, and harassment in which case a person who abused should seek out help immediately. The subtle warning signs include persistent unhappiness and loneliness despite being with the other person.
Some toxic relationships can be mended given each partner is committed to trying. The relationship must become healthy and mutually beneficial for any potential to continue. But if it can’t be fixed, it’s best for individuals involved to walk away from the relationship.
How to get rid of a Toxic Person?
The best way to deal with a toxic person is to eliminate them from your life if possible. It’s okay to support someone who is going through a rough time but if you have someone in your life who constantly manipulates you, demeans you, and makes you feel bad about yourself, get rid of such people. But it can be difficult to do so especially if the toxic person in your life is someone you care about deeply. Here are a few steps for you to follow to eliminate that person from your life:
Don’t expect the person to change
Establish and maintain healthy boundaries
Don’t be pulled into crisis
Own your weaknesses
Understand they may resist
Choose your emotional battles carefully
Surround yourself with positive people
How to Stop Being a Toxic Person?
If you recognize that your behavior may be toxic and you are willing to work on yourself to be a better person and influence in someone else’s life, here are a few things you can do to stop being toxic:
7 Signs You're Becoming Toxic
Be aware of yourself and your behavior
Know your values and abide by them
Be a good listener
Be empathetic and compassionate
Think first, react second
Let your ego go
Show vulnerability and accountability
Reach out for help
Final Word
Toxic behavior may not be considered a big deal but it may be the result of some serious trauma or an underlying mental disorder. If you have someone in your life who you believe displays toxic traits or you, yourself, have recognized your toxic behavior patterns and are willing to do something about it, consult a physician. We have expert physicians on board who will help you get to the root cause of your problem so you can lead a positive and happy life.
How do I stop being a toxic friend?
It’s one thing to talk about how to get rid of toxic friendships; it’s another to realize that, in fact, you are the toxic friend. Let me reframe. I have been your toxic friend. I have been the friend who goes to the party and ignores you but talks to your boyfriend; the friend who just straight up drops off the face of the earth once things get tough for you; the friend who spends the entire time we’re hanging out together texting someone else. I have been the friend who has openly resented you for having more money than I do and low-key expected you to pay for everything because of it; the friend who spends two hours telling you about my own life but doesn’t take a second to ask you about yours. I am the friend who has been kicked out of the social circle, dis-invited to the wedding. I have been the friend that no one wants to have.
And yet, I just wrote a book about friendship—and how it saved my life. The shift from persona non grata to person who believes that I’m worthy of love, who feels certain, as I wrote at the end of my memoir, that no matter what happens, friendship will saturate my every day, did not happen quickly, or smoothly, or even all that gracefully. Instead, I had to work at rebuilding my relationships. It got awkward. It got difficult. I often thought it would just be easier to walk away completely and finally, burn everything to the ground and start over somewhere else. But with help, and people showing me the way, I was able to reconstruct most of my relationships, by sticking to a few simple rules.
If you relate to any of this‚or even if you don’t, and just want a gentle tune-up—here’s how I rebuilt my social life.
How to Recognize a Toxic Relationship
1. Apologize, but only when you’re really ready.
I was the constant apologizer. “Sorry I’m late!” “Sorry I yelled at you!” “Sorry I made you buy me a drink!” “Sorry I disappeared once your parent got sick!” “Sorry I ran out of money!” But those apologies never landed, because I was just using them to get by. A real apology feels different, and, by now, I’ve made a lot of those. They often involved me getting real with myself on what I was apologizing for, and why. I distinctly remember sitting with a friend in a cafe, apologizing for having disappeared on our friendship, one that had lasted six years until my behavior became unmanageable. My ego was screaming at me not to tell the truth, but true healing could begin only when I looked my friend in the eye and said, “I was really scared of my own life, and I took it out on you. I’ve really missed you, and I hope that we can start to rebuild our friendship.” Having that level of vulnerability took a couple years to get to, but the wait was worth it. We’re friends today.
2. Take opposite action.
When I was being a toxic friend, all I could think about was what I was going to get. I saw people as rungs on a ladder. I didn’t really understand intimacy or vulnerability, and so getting close to people was… an incomprehensible idea. To start to make up for that, I started taking opposite action. When I was envious of a friend’s accomplishment, I did whatever I could to support it! If I wanted the joy I saw them have in their relationship, I told them how happy I was that they were doing so well. Sometimes it felt, internally, like I was scraping out my insides and handing them to someone on a platter, but over the years, saying these things started feeling a little more honest. Taking opposite action, over time, changed how I feel about my friends’ accomplishments; recently, when a friend’s book came out to great acclaim and was well-reviewed in the New York Times, instead of feeling jealousy and loss and fear, I truly felt happy for him—and was able to openly celebrate his win. (The book is called WE CAN SAVE US ALL, and it’s amazing!)
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3. Show up.
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Before I started working on myself, I never showed up for anything on time—if I even showed up at all. I thought it was because I was too cool and busy, but actually it was a deep level of insecurity. I came to see later that when I’d been the toxic and unreliable friend, it’s because I’d believed that no one actually cared or noticed if I was at an event or not. I was chronically late not because I was intentionally disrespecting the person I was meeting, but because I disrespected myself so profoundly. It took some time to realize that, actually, people did care about me (once I’d taken actions 1 and 2!) Now, if I say I’m going to be somewhere, I show up. On time. I leave a lot of buffer between when I think I ned to leave and when I need to be there, and I don’t cancel at the last minute unless I’m very ill. Recently, I took the train to D.C. so I could attend that same friend’s reading. He might not remember that I was there in twenty years, but I’ll get to remember that I made the effort to support a friend on his book launch event—that I got to be the friend I want other people to be for me. And the better my self-esteem is, the kinder of a friend I can be. And the more I show up for others, the better my self-esteem.
4. Be clear on what you're available for.
Some of my toxic friend-ness was because I had no idea what I was actually good at or bad at, and spent my days in a soup of horror and shame that I didn’t know the rules. I would be so ashamed that I hadn’t sent a thank you note that I just never responded to an email again. I remember once, when I first moved to NYC and didn’t have a place to live, I stayed at a friend’s place while she was out of town. I forgot to make the bed, realized that while I was out with other friends, and spent the entire dinner totally panicking that I had to get back to her place to make the bed. I couldn’t be present for the friends that I was with, because I was so worried about consequences from a friend I wasn’t. It literally didn’t occur to me to just ask for help from her roommate—or send her a text saying, “Thank you so much for your hospitality! I’m so sorry i neglected to make your bed! How can I make it up to you? ” I have more clarity now on my strengths—presence during challenging times, phone calls when you need them, showing up to the things I say I’m going to show up for—that I don’t have to berate myself so much for the things I’m bad at—sending thank you notes; keeping up regular “check-in” contact with friends; and coming to every single party. Getting clear on what I can do helped me get out of the cycle of shame that was actually separating me from everyone I wanted to love.
5. Be consistent.
How to Deal With Toxic People
This is the biggest one for me. I used to be so separated from myself and spirit that I oscillated personalities, interests, etc., depending on who I was with. One day I was in the running to be the meanest Mean Girl in town, making the most judgmental, cruelest observations about mutual acquaintances. The next day, I was crying in a corner, texting another friend and asking for emotional support. It was probably confusing to the people around me, and it didn’t help me be truly close to anyone. Now, I make an effort to be consistent and reliable. I tend to have a lot going on, but I also share about it—that’s consistent! I don’t text people just to check in throughout the day—that’s consistent! I don’t pick up the phone when I’m not available—that’s consistent! I’ll definitely go to the doctor or hospital with you—that’s consistent! My friends have told me that I’m now so consistently true to what I am available for and what I’m not, that they can feel safe. They know that if I say, “no thank you,” it’s not going to be a big deal - but that if I say “yes, can’t wait to be there!” Ill show up—even if it’s in another neighborhood, city, or state.
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Most of all, I had to work on my self-esteem in order to start being a less toxic friend. And that didn’t happen through massive successes or dramatic reconnections. I rebuilt my self-esteem by engaging in tiny esteem-able acts—holding the door open for someone else, letting someone else go ahead of me in line at the coffee shop. I damaged so many friendships because of a total self-centeredness that had, for a long time, been a survival skill. Taking tiny steps to become other-centered, thinking about what I could bring to a situation instead of what I could take, are what added up to, eventually, my becoming a person that many people want to hang out with! And most of most of all, I recovered from being a toxic friend by knowing that I’m not for everyone. My friend Allison, who changed my life by loving me unconditionally, told me straightforwardly that not everyone is going to like me. I heard the same from my editor… and my closet New York City friend… and another friend in California. And instead of fighting that, I accept it now. I stopped being a toxic friend by stopping trying to be everyone to everything, and instead, working slowly and gently on becoming the kind of friend I want to have.
The Break It Down Brown Show: How to Deal With Toxic People
EVA HAGBERG FISHER is the author of HOW TO BE LOVED: A MEMOIR OF A LIFESAVING FRIENDSHIP. Her writing has appeared in The New York Times, T: The New York Times Style Magazine, Tin House, Wallpaper*, Wired, Guernica, and Dwell, among other places. She lives in California and New York City.
How do I know if I am a toxic one?
A toxic partner can drain you emotionally and hurt your mental health. But what if you’re the toxic one in your relationship?
Shreya Gupta 76 Likes
communication in relationshipImproper communication can have a negative impact on your relationship. Image courtesy: Shutterstock
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No one is perfect and the same applies to relationships. Imperfection is absolutely normal but toxicity is not. If imperfection can incentivise you to grow and change, toxicity can drain you emotionally and leave you with negative thoughts.
It’s always easier to blame someone else for being toxic but you need to introspect too. What if you’re the villain in your own relationship? We need to examine our own behaviour and patterns. At times, it so happens that we’re the toxic one but simply refuse to accept it. But, there’s no shame in accepting it because being aware of things will be the first step to change.
Ask yourself if you relate to these 6 signs of a toxic romantic partner and be honest with the answers:
How to Stop Being Toxic | @Cyrus Ausar
1. You tend to manipulate things
Manipulation ranges from gaslighting and lying to hiding information from your partner. If you’re doing any of these things, you’re clearly manipulating your partner and are the toxic one in the relationship. Ultimately, it will only erode your partner’s love and respect for you.
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2. You are a little too dominating
We’d all like for things to always go our way but relationships are about compromises. If you’re holding your partner hostage to your demands, then it is quite unhealthy. When you are in a relationship, you need to listen to your partner too because they’re an equal part of the dynamic. Moreover, you shouldn’t try to exert control over your partner by demanding things always go your way.
signs of unhealthy relationshipMake your relationship your ‘happy place’, and stop dominating! GIF courtesy: GIPHY
Also, read: 8 obvious signs that it’s time to break up according to a psychologist
10 Signs You're Becoming Toxic
3. You’re always threatening to split up
If it is normal to threaten your partner with a relationship, you must know that it’s known as emotional blackmail and isn’t healthy at all. These threats can only make a fragile situation worse and lead to a trust deficit from your partner’s end. Instead, try to step back from the situation before making a threat like this and allow yourself to calm down.
4. You don’t give them personal space
No matter how long you have been in the relationship or how close you both are, giving your partner their personal space is important. Having some space to oneself leads to personality growth and the development of individual choices. So, adhere to their personal boundaries and don’t overtake their space.
5. The relationship is all about you
If you believe that only your needs matter and don’t give enough importance to what your partner is going through, your relationship is unhealthy. If your partner can’t find any support from you and you’re not their confidant, then how will it lead to a long-lasting relationship? You need to make an effort to ensure your partner feel emotionally taken care of as well.
6. You never take responsibility
If you abdicate all responsibility only to blame others, then you’re being toxic. Don’t play the blame game because you’re not fooling anyone and only damaging your relationship.
TOXIC GIRLFRIEND SIGNS (IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S HER!)
If you think these signs reflect your behaviour in a relationship, you need to work on yourself. You’ll see the health of your relationship improve once you make the changes you need to make!
Can toxic people change?
Like the term “canceled,” you probably see “toxic” tossed around a lot online.
If you’ve spent any amount of time on social media you’ve stumbled across plenty of posts from friends, brands, and even people you don’t know about taking care of yourself by “getting rid of toxic people,” or “cutting people out.”
Do a quick search for the hashtag #toxicpeople on Instagram, and you come up with just shy of half a million posts. Simply search for #toxic, and you get more than 1.1 million posts, most of them in reference to wellness-related platitudes like, "Distance yourself from negative energy," and "Don't let toxic people rent space in your head." The hashtags #toxicMasculinity and #toxicFeminism have also recently popped to the top of search on Twitter, in reference to various abusive and outsized behaviors and reactions by members of different genders. So what's all this "toxic" talk about?
What does "toxic" mean?
Toxic, at least on social media, is a pejorative term for people others consider to be poisonous, negative, controlling, or cruel. It's also often associated with narcissism, another popular social media term that many don't totally understand. Posting about cutting someone out of your life who you consider "toxic" appears to be a badge of honor. Share that you've somehow eliminated them from your life to garner likes and popularity, and publicly shame whoever it is you are obliquely referring to in your post into changing their ways.
Toxic people will leave you feeling bad: edgy, guilty, confused, frustrated, overextended.
The trend appears to be on the uptick thanks in part to COVID-19 and the resulting isolation, relationship pressure, and stress we're all feeling as the U.S. continues on its determined path to become the top nation for cases of the virus. As of a recent count by the New York Times, on July 23, the country has more than 4 million diagnosed cases nationwide, and more than 150 medical experts nationwide recently called for the U.S. to go back into a shutdown to attempt to slow the continuing spread.
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Is She Toxic or Not?
Calling someone toxic on social media is often a quick, easy way to dismiss whatever deeper level issues are going on for you or the person you're referring to, and "cut them out of your life," at least publicly. Yet the term toxic has connotations in the mental health world, according to Jenn Kennedy, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist in Santa Barbara who also specializes in peer relationships.
“Toxic is a relational term of how someone affects another. Toxic people will leave you feeling bad: edgy, guilty, confused, frustrated, overextended. They lack boundaries and ask too much from you, so you leave exchanges feeling violated and exhausted. They make assumptions, expect too much, disregard your 'no' answers,” Kennedy says.
the gap between two people
Dealing with toxic people is emotionally draining.
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Kennedy says that the term “toxic” rose to greater public awareness when Britney Spears released her song, "Toxic," back in 2003. With that, she says, she saw the rise of the term in her practice as well.
“The rise of the term toxic [came about] as psychology had us looking at our families of origin or our complicated, messy love relationships,” Kennedy says, and with the advent of COVID-19 forcing us to stay home and focusing our energy online, the term appears to be here to stay.
How to deal with a toxic person
Dealing with someone who is "toxic" or who behaves in a way that is abusive, controlling, or cruel takes a lot more than simply labeling them as "toxic" on social media. These people can undermine your confidence, leave you feeling depleted after being around them, make you feel like you did something wrong, or make you feel like you don't know yourself. While "toxic" is tossed around online, there are real, concrete steps you can take to deal with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself, whether they do it in virtual or in real life.
Is She Toxic, or Am I Selfish or Both?
“First we must examine ourselves,” Kennedy says, “but part of that discovery is also looking at who we choose to have in our world. Intimate partners, close friends, and family members are notorious for pushing our buttons and crossing our boundaries, thus being toxic. They seem to have a fast track to our triggers and feel free to activate us frequently.”
Knowing yourself means examining your own reactions to specific situations and events that happen and discerning whether your responses are, in fact, justified, or merely outsized emotional responses to some of the other stresses we are all facing in other aspects of our lives.
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For example, if you've ever had a bad day at work and come home (or in this new world, simply walked into the kitchen) only to fight with your spouse, loved one, partner or kid about, say, doing the dishes, you certainly know what an outsized response looks like. In many cases, you aren't actually upset about the dishes sitting in the sink, you're angry at the way your boss treated you, or how a client spoke to you, and you're taking your anxiety and frustration out on those you love. Generally, when you have an outsized reaction to something in your life, you feel regretful after losing your cool and apologize for your "crazy" behavior.
ARE YOU TOXIC?
Getting clear about how we're really feeling in the moment is really crucial to understanding how to manage our responses to stressors in our environment. Yet, as Kennedy notes, some people know how to push our buttons and, in some cases, do it on purpose because they, too, are feeling the pressure of something else. In many cases, these kinds of people have something more significant going on.
It's very important to show yourself (and others) some compassion in these moments, too. It's impossible to know everything going on in someone else's head or experience, and compassion can help us cut both ourselves and others a little slack in these stressful times. If you think you are in a relationship with someone who fits the definition of "toxic," you should take steps to separate and protect yourself from that person.
woman in a job interview
It's important to get help from a licensed therapist if you need to navigate a difficult and trying relationship.
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“Setting boundaries is going to be critical if you have someone toxic in your life," Kennedy says, "It's important for you first to have clarity about what you need and want and then communicate that with the person. They very well may not be able to hear it or understand it."
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Be honest with the person who is abusive towards you about the impact that their behavior has and see how they respond. If they continue to be abusive towards you and don't change their actions, even after you bring those actions to their attention, it's time to minimize your interaction with them.
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"You return calls less often, or you limit how much time you spend with them. You don't overextend to compensate for their shortcomings. Rather, you hold steady and stay in your lane. It's going to feel foreign to not 'save them,' but ultimately, you will feel better," Kennedy says.
It can be very difficult to back away from someone you have had a relationship with, yet if you have tried to communicate how their behavior impacts you and those discussions have borne no fruit, it's time to be proactive and protect yourself. In some cases, toxic relationships can become both physically and mentally abusive.
“The biggest challenge of trying eliminate a toxic person from your life,” Kennedy says, “is that you are going to feel guilty. 'They need you' or 'You are the only one they have' might come up. Often toxic people have few close people in their life, so they hold on tightly. They may use manipulation, guilt, or crisis to keep you on the hook. You have to stay steady in your resolve in your boundary. You have to let them feel disappointed when you don’t rescue them from their bad behavior or excessive need. Reflect back on your personal strength and stand firm in your self-respect. They will change or the relationship will end and they will find someone else who will indulge their negativity.”
Can toxic people change?
If you’ve addressed toxic behavior with the person exhibiting it and they have taken it to heart, it’s possible for toxic people to change.
“Toxic people can absolutely change,” Kennedy says, “however they must see their part in the problem before they are likely to find the motivation to do so.”
Kennedy says that it's likely that the person being abusive or controlling towards you struggles with their own issues. "Likely they are unhappy but don't know why," she says. There are specific steps they must take, however, to change their behavior.
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Reflect back on your personal strength and stand firm in your self-respect. They will change or the relationship will end and they will find someone else who will indulge their negativity.
"First, they must recognize their own misery and acknowledge the patterns that likely exist: people in their life have come and gone; they are negative, critical, judgmental, demanding, entitled; intimate relationships are fraught with arguments and drama. To change, they have to take responsibility for how they show up to relationships and how much they expect from others."
At their very base, like all people, toxic people want to be loved and supported. Change takes hard work, patience, and support from a variety of people. If you or a loved one is in a toxic relationship, it can be valuable to seek help from outside sources like mental health professionals. They can help you identify the issues and help you decide what steps to take.
It's also important to note that we are not all innocent when it comes to toxic behaviors. We all have them, and it can be valuable to take some time to do some self-reflection and investigation to see where you might be able to improve your relationships both to yourself and to those around you. With a little patience, thought, compassion, and applied effort, you can change your own behaviors to improve your relationship with yourself and others around you. After all, toxic relationships don't happen in a bubble. It takes two to tango.
Abigail Bassett is an Emmy-winning journalist, writer and producer who covers wellness, tech, business, cars, travel, art and food. Abigail spent more than 10 years as a senior producer at CNN. She’s currently a freelance writer and yoga teacher in Los Angeles. You can find her on Twitter at @abigailbassett.
The Best MENTAL Glow Up for Girls ! EP. 2
What are the traits of a toxic person?
Not to brag, but you consider yourself a fun, friendly and generally easy person to be around. Your sister-in-law, on the other hand, always seems to push your buttons. Is there a conflict between you, or is she engaging in toxic behavior that anyone would have a hard time dealing with? Here 15 traits of toxic people to look out for.
1. They’re manipulative
When you ask your friend a question ("Hey, want to come over next week?"), you don't have any ulterior motives. When a toxic person asks you a question, though, they might be setting a trap. ("Are you free for dinner tomorrow at seven?" Subtext: "If you aren't free for dinner tomorrow at seven, I'll be mad at you for the rest of the week.") "Their modus operandi is to get people to do what they want them to do," says Abigail Brenner, M.D. "It’s all about them. They use other people to accomplish whatever their goal happens to be. Forget what you want; this is not about equality in a relationship—far from it."
2. They take more than they give
Your aunt agreed to go to your birthday party, but then she spent the entire time complaining. She wouldn’t stop talking about the uncomfortable chairs at the restaurant you picked, and isn’t afraid to tell you what a miserable, awful time she had. You feel so bad, you end up buying her a gift certificate for a massage to make it up to her. While it's easy to write your aunt off as being curmudgeonly or cranky, if she regularly makes everything about her (and insists you take care of her needs above your own), she's a toxic person, plain and simple.
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3. Their apologies aren’t sincere
Have you ever expected an apology from someone and ended up apologizing to them? This is a classic red flag. Let’s say your friend blew off the brunch plans you had last Saturday. Then, when you confront her about it, she delves into this long story about how she got into a huge fight with the guy she’s dating that morning and she doesn’t think she’ll ever find her soulmate, and it’s all her parents’ fault for getting divorced when she was five. You feel for her, and you want to be there for her if she’s having a crisis, it’s just…she’s always having a crisis. And weren’t you just talking about brunch? Shifting tactics and turning herself into the victim is toxic territory.
4. They don’t listen to you
Every good relationship—whether it’s with a friend, partner or your grandma—is based on a balance of sharing and listening. Toxic people have apparently missed that memo. When you start to confide in a toxic friend (or even try to engage him with a quick anecdote about your life), you’ll quickly notice his attention drifting to something else. Before you know it, he’s interrupted you, changed the subject and wrangled the conversation back to something that he finds more interesting: himself.
5. They make you feel bad
Immediately after spending time with a friend or family member, ask yourself, "Do I feel better or worse than when I left the house this morning?" If you consistently feel worse, they’re toxic. "[These] people are draining; encounters leave you emotionally wiped out," Dr. Brenner says. "Time with them is about taking care of their business, which will leave you feeling frustrated and unfulfilled, if not angry. Don’t allow yourself to become depleted as a result of giving and giving and getting nothing in return."
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6. They are self-defeating
In the book Toxic Coworkers: How to Deal With Dysfunctional People on the Job by Alan A. Graviola and Neil J. Lavender, the authors outline numerous personality disorders that show up in the workplace, including behaviors classified as histrionic (“Dramatic, flamboyant, overemotional, and shallow”), borderline (“Moody, angry, with highly intense and stormy relationships”) and passive aggressive (“Covert expressions of anger include inefficiency, blaming management or other authority figures, tardiness and other quietly obstructionist behavior”). One thing all these traits have in common, the authors point out, is that they are all over-expressed in a stressful situation and ultimately become harmful to the person exhibiting them.
7. They abuse their power
Ever feel like you’re being asked for more work for less pay…then when you bring it up to management, they say you’re lucky to even have a job? That’s an abuse of power. In the workplace, abuses of power have captured headlines with increased attention to sexual harassment, which is positive movement in the professional space. But subtler forms of top-down toxicity, including managers who are thinking of their own needs before the equitable distribution of workload, are another red flag of toxicity.
8. They use the word “I” incessantly
Have you ever found yourself in a conversation with someone, only to realize it’s not a conversation at all but more like a one-woman show with you as the audience? That’s a classic narcissistic personality disorder tell, and it leads to people turning away from the narcissist, bored or hurt. In one case, we know of a man who would count the seconds between sentences his father told about himself, thinking he’d get a silent moment to interject some thought of experience of his own. No such luck—the son only go to “five-Mississippi” before his dad would launch into another story about himself. By contrast, think of a healthy conversation at a tennis match, with both sides yielding the “I” racquet as they bat stories back and forth.
9. They say “you’re overreacting”
Gaslighting alert! That’s the phrase for when a person makes you doubt your thoughts or feelings without giving evidence why. They simply say “you’re wrong” (and they get extra bad-behavior points if they condescendingly or pityingly act as though it’s your fault you’re upset, you silly little thing you). A person’s emotional response to a people, place or things is theirs alone, and arguably a sacred aspect of each and everyone’s humanity. The feelings can’t and shouldn’t be belittled. Let’s say you’ve taken to your bed over the death of your beloved cat. Your friend doesn’t understand why you’re making such a big deal of it, and can’t believe you’re cancelling your dinner plans over a feline fatality. Fine—he doesn’t have to. But saying “you’re making too big a deal out of this” is grade-A toxicity; while “I don’t know what you are going through, but I’m so sorry for your loss” is way more compassionate.
10. They always see themselves as the victim
In 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life by Bill Eddy, the author identifies HCP (high-conflict personalities) who have the potential to wreak havoc in the lives of their friends and co-workers. A common thread among these people are a lack of ability to change or to see their part in life problems. “They mistakenly believe that all their problems just happen to them—as if they dropped from the sky—and that there’s nothing they can do about it,” he explains. “They chronically feel like a victim in life.” Anyone with a perceived lack of agency in their own life is apt to spiral into bitterness without a willingness to break old patterns.
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11. They are suddenly your new best friend
That rush of endorphins that comes with This! New! Person! who really gets you. Suddenly, you’re texting them multiple times a day and text-watching shows together and sharing all the things. How did you ever survive before knowing this person? If this is your internal voice, beware: You may have happened upon a person whose lack of boundaries and penchant for extreme behavior is making them central to your life, but in a codependent and unearned capacity. Slow down and watch and listen to your new friend, so that you’re not suddenly tied up emotionally with someone who doesn’t share your values.
12. They’re big gossips
Sure, it’s spicy to hear about what happened on the couch in your boss’s office after the Christmas party. But when someone is telling stories on everyone in your friend group, from little peccadillos to large missteps, it reveals low self-esteem in the rumor-monger. Why aren’t they concerning themselves with their own professional, emotional and family life? Is everyone else really so much more interesting? Also, beware: It’s only a matter of time until your own confidences are put out on the street.
13. They live in an empathy-free zone
It’s a tough time everywhere, but your toxic pal doesn’t see it that way. From those lazy people who won’t work hard over there, to those crazy people who don’t understand politics over here, the toxic person doesn’t have the desire or willingness to see the world through anyone else’s mindset or circumstance. According to Albert Bernstein’s Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry, this is a result of immaturity, a failure to outgrow the me-centric focus of childhood into the more socially aware, cooperative mindset of adulthood.
14. They don’t speak respectfully
No adult needs to have fundamental concepts of honesty and kindness explained to them, says Jackson MacKenzie. If you find yourself explaining the basic elements of polite human interaction to someone, it’s a good sign they are a troubled individual, he writes in Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths and Other Toxic People.
15. They act as if they are better than other people
It’s tough being a big deal in a small world. At least, that’s the mindset of the toxic individual, whose inflated sense of superiority can range from demanding an undue amount of attention from service workers, to expecting undying adoration from family members. Depending on the extent to which your toxic associate expresses their grandiosity, it can range from just making them a drag as a restaurant dining companion (seriously, no table is ever good enough) to them being a cult leader. Or maybe just Regina George in Mean Girls.
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