Whenever You Feel Discouraged In Life, Watch This | Gaur Gopal Das
The human feeling of wanting to achieve more is a shared one and, consequently, so does the sense of feeling defeated. Things don’t always work out as planned, and we then feel beat down and sometimes downright downtrodden.
This feeling is something that every achiever human-being feels once in a while. The good news is that there are proven science-based ways to help take back the power. It’s not possible to continually win without experiencing a loss, and the way we react to failure is what defines us.
There are (sadly) many practical examples—from battling a bad habit (did anyone say Netflix binge on a Tuesday night?) or even an addiction to dealing with a boss you don’t like who makes every day seem like it will never end. It might be other issues that make you feel like Sisyphus, the Greek god who was forced to push a massive rock up a hill for eternity as a punishment, doing the hard work and not being rewarded for it.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
You Are Not Alone
Feeling Defeated Is Not Your Fault
9 Ways to Take Back Your Power
Final Thoughts
More Tips When You're Feeling Defeated in Life
You Are Not Alone
You are not alone; Churchill and Lincoln were also defeated.
If You Feel Like Giving Up Watch This | Gaur Gopal Das
Fortunately, we’ve found some fantastic examples of ‘defeated’ people who made a remarkable comeback—showing that character is at least as important as talent. One of those people is none other than Winston Churchill. Most of us know that he saved his country and potentially the rest of the world during World War II, but we tend to forget that he famously stated, “I am finished” almost 20 years before that—when he was 40.
He had lost the Gallipoli battle, and everything seemed to indicate that he would go down in history like the rest of us: unknown. However, his plan to come back to the forefront of politics succeeded (only to lose the election after the war, and then win again). He was feeling defeated but he managed to bounce back.
There are other examples of leaders who experienced loss and then made a remarkable comeback. Abraham Lincoln is known as a former US president, but no one remembers that he was defeated in elections for the U.S. House of Representatives just a few years before that. Napoleon Bonaparte was the emperor of Europe, only to be exiled (and then come back and then go into exile again).
Most of us are not ruling Europe or the US, but you get the point—you win some, you lose some—and you should never give up on your goals and dreams. This isn’t relevant only to famous historical characters. The human spirit is measured when it’s at its weakest and in need of finding strength.
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Personally speaking, I experienced a tragedy, having to watch my father die in front of me when I was 25. Less than an hour later, as I was in the hospital, I told myself that nothing would break me, and I embarked on a journey to save other people’s lives with Safe Lane, a non-profit I started to prevent car accidents. It is what we do that defines us, and not what happens to us. It’s how we deal with feeling defeated that defines who we are.
Feeling Defeated Is Not Your Fault
Research shows that feeling defeated is not your fault. The deep-rooted feeling of defeat is validated in research. For example, studies of animal species with dominance hierarchies showed that after losing in non-lethal fighting, the animals that lost showed signs of depression.[1] Other studies suggest that defeat and feelings of entrapment are associated with depression and anxiety. Sadly, it happens to humans as well.
Research also suggests that it hurts the poor more than others. In a study conducted in economically deprived areas in England, over half of the people felt defeated. They experienced feelings of entrapment.[2]
The research also proved a connection to anxiety and depression, showing that this feeling impairs the mental health of those living in more impoverished areas. The clear connection between where you live and how you feel is disheartening, as it makes clear that some populations are inherently more prone to suffering than others.
If you want to find out why you’re feeling defeated, this video can help:
Overcome Your Laziness In 2 Mins - Sadhguru (This Will Change Your Life) | Mystics of India 2019
9 Ways to Take Back Your Power
The good news is that there are pretty good solutions one can use to fight this horrible feeling. Some of them can provide immediate improvement, while others help within a matter of weeks.
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Here are 9 ways to take back your power when you’re feeling defeated in life.
1. Write a Gratitude Journal
Once a day, take three minutes to write down two things you’re grateful for. It might seem like a childish thing to do, but investing time in a gratitude journal has been scientifically proven to be helpful. Taking a note for yourself of the good things in your life makes you appreciate them more, and this kind of positive thinking also helps your brain change patterns.
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According to a study conducted in Berkeley, students who wrote a gratitude letter to their peers had “significantly better mental health 4 weeks and 12 weeks after their writing exercise ended. This suggests that gratitude writing can be beneficial not just for healthy, well-adjusted individuals, but also for those who struggle with mental health concerns.”[3]
Martin Seligman, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania, proved that participants who took the time to write about the good things in their lives had a huge increase in happiness scores.
2. Take Regular Breaks
When you’re working too hard, it can sometimes feel good because you’re pushing your limits. Nonetheless, you can’t work without taking breaks. Your energy is limited, and there have been a few studies proving this.
According to numerous researches, “taking a break can be very beneficial for you and your work. Micro-breaks, lunchtime breaks, and longer breaks have all been shown to affect well-being and productivity positively. By taking regular breaks, you can boost your performance.”[4]
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3. Find Yourself a Mentor
I’ve personally found this to be very helpful. Every issue that you’re going through has been experienced by someone before you, so learn from that. Having a mentor reduces stress and helps you both practically understand how to handle the situation and emotionally put things in perspective. It also helps remind you that you’re not alone.
According to UNL, “mentoring provides professional socialization and personal support to facilitate graduate school success and beyond. Quality mentoring greatly enhances students’ chances for success. Research shows that students who experience good mentoring also have a greater chance of securing academic tenure-track positions or greater career advancement potential in administration or sectors outside the university.”[5]
4. Meditation and Mindfulness
Meditation and mindfulness are powerful tools that are widely available today through the use of apps such as Calm and Headspace. There have also been countless books written about them. One of them is “Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life” by Jon Kabat-Zinn’s. By being present, you can control where your energy goes.
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I used to be a skeptic, but I have learned that it’s helpful to meditate when you need a moment. Countless studies have proven that breathing helps build resilience. Just by breathing slowly and deeply, our body knows when to enter into a relaxation mode.
We’re living at a time that makes us feel overwhelmed. We have too much on our plate and sometimes, we’re in a position that doesn’t immediately allow us to solve the problem at hand.
Don’t worry—by meditating, breathing, or just trying to relax, you can understand what to do by letting your mind some time to think and improve. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here reading this article!
5. Your Self-Talk Is More Crucial Than Ever
Our thoughts and beliefs can sometimes be discouraging. Many people tend towards a negativity bias, which means that we’re prone to notice negative thoughts and emotions more than positive and neutral ones. This is where self-talk comes in.
Sadhguru -next time you’re angry - know you’re stupid
Using self-talk to analyze whether your perceptions are helping you or not and whether they’re an accurate representation of reality can help you understand that things may not be as bad as you think. Research shows that this is, in fact, often the case.
It’s a good habit to also remember to be kind to yourself. Some of us sometimes forget the crucial ingredient of self-compassion. It also might be a good idea to motivate yourself by watching others—Youtube might be a good place for that.
Here’s an excellent example:
6. Educate Yourself
For whatever of life’s hurdles you’re currently facing, there’s an answer that someone else has already thought of. Google Scholar or even just plain old Google can help you find proven methods to deal with what’s bothering you. Educate yourself about your situation and learn what can and cannot work for you. Knowledge is power, indeed.
7. Don’t Obsess About What Happened
One of the proven ways to help sports teams stay on track is not overthinking the future and not getting stuck in the past. It’s useless to obsess about what already happened, and at worst, it can only harm your mental and emotional well-being.
Tools to Create Your Life the Way You Want It
One psychological way to think about that is the radical acceptance approach, which is pretty self-explanatory. It means that you should accept what happened and instead, think about what you should do moving forward.
According to the NYU School of Medicine, “past experiences shape what we see more than what we are looking at now.”[6] So, it’s not easy to fight that. But it is also possible to change it by radical acceptance and growth mindset methods.
8. Create a Vision for Your Life
Another method for dealing with daily hardships is to think like an organization and create your life vision. When you understand your goals and purpose, it’s easier to not sweat as much as some of the difficulties on the way.
According to “Entrepreneurship Theory and Practice” by Francis J. Greene,
“Effective strategic management begins with the organization clearly articulating its vision for the future. The organization’s vision refers to the broad category of long-term intentions that the organization wishes to pursue. It is broad, all-inclusive, and futuristic (Ireland et al., 2009)”.
It is imperative to understand your vision and implement it in your daily life to keep your balance.
How To Overcome Sadness And Depression By Sadhguru | Yoga For Happiness | Mystics of India | 2019
9. Stay Healthy: Exercise and Eat Well
You don’t have to run a marathon. Simply walking or doing any other type of physical activity you enjoy can help pump things up and make you feel better physically and emotionally. Exercise can help you overcome depression and improve your mental health. It also enables you to feel in control in some cases, and that’s a powerful tool for someone who’s feeling defeated.
Healthy eating and keeping yourself hydrated goes a long way. Sleeping more than 7 hours each night is also super helpful for improving your physical and mental well-being.
Final Thoughts
It’s normal to feel defeated in life sometimes. After all, we all have our unique struggles and challenges along our journey in life. The important thing is that you learn how to face these roadblocks in your life. Whenever you’re feeling defeated in life, you can start with these 9 ways to gain back power and control in your life.
Have you answered the question “What is causing my sense of defeat?” Sometimes, temporary external forces may overwhelm us, causing us to want to give up, or resign us to a sense of not having the strength to move past the obstacle placed before us.
A strategy that works for me is to remember to adjust my attitude to a positive stance, especially when I’m presented with things over which I have no control. That one move alone brings me more strength and resolve.
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Life will always throw us off our chosen path, but only if we let it.
Think about Sir Isaac Newton’s third law of motion: “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.” We are lax in recognizing the “opposite reaction.” That implies we should be looking for a sense of victory, then put actions together that will lead us to a sense of victory.
Good luck!
Few things in life are certain. But one thing we (unfortunately) know for sure? At one point or another, we're bound to feel defeated and deeply disappointed. You'll bomb your big presentation at work (or, worse, get passed up yet again for a promotion), a small fight with your BFF will suddenly turn into a full-blown best friend breakup, you'll get ghosted for what seems like the one hundredth time, unexpected bills will force you to dip into your already minimal savings, or, maybe as a mom or dad, you'll feel like your days are filled with nagging, tantrums, complaints, and zero cooperation.
We've all been there, and to put it nicely, it's not fun. But there can be an upside to your down time: A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who experienced some adversity were happier, more satisfied, and better able to cope with the highs and lows of life than people who experienced no adversity. The key, though, is how we handle disappointments and deal with being discouraged—which is exactly why we asked various experts for their advice on getting over a defeat. (Spoiler alert: no, you shouldn't "just relax.")
Ahead, nine strategies to help you bounce back from feeling defeated—and possibly become even stronger, wiser, and kinder in the process.
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Allow yourself to feel.
Here’s something we can probably all agree on: No matter how well-intentioned it is, being told to “look on the bright side,” “everything happens for a reason,” or “you just need to stay positive” is not helpful. In fact, it can also be harmful. “Suppressing your emotions—whether its anger, sadness, frustration or grief—can actually strengthen them,” says Kristin Neff, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. And that can take a toll on both your physical and emotional wellbeing: A 12-year study conducted by the Harvard School of Public Health and the University of Rochester found that those who suppressed their emotions were at a higher risk of premature death, while a 2017 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology concluded “individuals who accept rather than judge their mental experiences may attain better psychological health, in part because acceptance helps them experience less negative emotion in response to stressors.”
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So, turn on a perfectly cheesy rom-com, light a luxuriously-scented candle, spend the day in the world’s softest pajamas, and really lean into your feelings. Jen Sincero, success coach and author of You Are a Badass and Badass Habits (out December 1), says “It’s important to acknowledge that you’re an emotional creature and let that be what it is.”
While you can’t control how long it takes to get over feelings of defeat or disappointment, you can create an environment that’s most conducive to healing. To do so, try practicing more self-compassion. Neff says, typically, people with high self-compassion exhibit three behaviors: they're warm and kind rather than judgmental about their own pain and failures; they recognize that mistakes and suffering are part of a shared human experience; and they don’t try to suppress or deny their negative emotions, but they also don’t let them take over. “When you put those three together, that’s where the magic happens,” says Neff. “It makes a huge difference.”
Imagine what you’d say to a friend in the exact same situation—and say that to yourself.
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According to Neff, one of the biggest misconceptions about self-compassion is the belief that it’ll make us lazy and complacent. That is, if we don’t have an inner drill sergeant, we won’t be motivated to push ourselves to do better. “The main reason people aren’t kinder to themselves is because they think they have to be harsh with themselves in order to succeed,” she says. “But it’s actually the opposite.” Not only has self-compassion been associated with increased personal initiative, but a series of experiments conducted by researchers at the University of Berkeley found that “taking an accepting approach to personal failure may make people more motivated to improve themselves.” Not to mention that excessive self-criticism can create a variety of unintended consequences, like fear of failure and increased performance anxiety. “When we’re afraid of ourselves and we’re afraid of failure, it actually makes it harder for us to do our best,” says Neff.
Instead, imagine what you’d say to a friend or family member going through the exact same situation—and then say those words to yourself. “I’ll be the first to admit it can feel weird in the beginning,” says Neff. “But, the thing is, we already speak to ourselves when we say things like ‘you’re so stupid.’ So, we’re really just finding a new way to speak to ourselves.” If you’ve been lucky enough to have someone super encouraging in your life, you can also ask yourself, What would X say to me?
Another option: You can write a letter to yourself. “Spend one paragraph getting in touch with the fact that you're going through a rough patch, another paragraph reminding yourself that you aren’t alone, and a final paragraph focusing on constructive changes you can make to feel happier and healthier,” says Neff. “In all, it takes less than 10 minutes, and when people do this, they may become more motivated and resilient and possibly experience less shame.” In fact, a study in the Journal of Positive Psychology found that participants who wrote a self-compassionate letter every day for a week reported lower symptoms of depression and greater happiness for up to three months later.
Or, better yet…actually phone a friend.
There’s a reason why so many of us connect with the Beatles lyric, “I get by with a little help from my friends.” It’s actually true—especially when you’re feeling defeated or discouraged. “When we’re down, we tend to isolate ourselves, both figuratively and literally,” says Andrea Owen, life coach and author of How to Stop Feeling Like Sh*t. “We stop reaching out for help, we retreat from our social communities.” Yet, social interaction is one thing that reliably increases people’s positive emotions—which is why it’s crucial to surround yourself with people who you can really share your experiences with. (Need some help expanding your social circle? Here’s some great advice for how to make new friends.)
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“I call this person your compassionate witness,” says Owen. “It’s someone who you can share your darkness with and instead of dismissing it, they’ll sit with you and hold your hand when you’re ready to move forward.”
In fact, according to Angela Duckworth, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania and author of Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, strong social ties are a commonality shared by every grit paragon (think: highly-accomplished individuals, from four-time Olympian Lindsay Vonn to a 13-year-old National Spelling Bee champion) she’s interviewed or studied. “Having grit sounds like you're a John Wayne character: You don’t ask for anybody’s help because you’re this tough individual who succeeds against all odds,” Duckworth says. “But they actually all have somebody in their life whom they can confess their insecurities to and air their anxieties, which makes me believe the strong people are the ones who have the courage to be vulnerable."
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Avoid jumping to conclusions.
You get a not-so-glowing review from your boss at work—which means you’re not good at your job, you won’t get an end-of-year raise, you’ll never be promoted, you’ll eventually get fired, and maybe you chose the wrong career entirely. Sound familiar? That’s called catastrophizing—or magnifying—a process in which we take a single distressing thought, blow it out of proportion, and dream up nightmare scenarios we believe without question.
According to Owen, it’s also a conspiracy theory. “When you have one bit of information and you fill in the blanks with things that aren't necessarily factual, but are in some way emotionally satisfying,” she says. “That’s a conspiracy theory—and we do that all the time in our own lives.”
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The good news, though, is that there are simple strategies to get these thoughts under control—and none involve just snapping out of it. “If you catch yourself in a spiral, take a step back and try to identify the thing that initially set you off,” says Sincero. “Then you can focus on addressing just that issue as opposed to the onslaught of every single thing that has ever gone wrong in your life.”
Another option is try reframing your thoughts. To do this, identify the basic fact or facts (say you get a really high credit card bill), then replace any negative possibilities (you won’t be able to pay it off, which will hurt your credit score, so you’ll never be able to buy a house) with neutral possibilities (this could hurt your credit score, but if it does, you’ll have years to build it back up). “This can greatly impact not only how you feel about yourself, but also the decisions you make going forward,” says Owen.
Put together a spiritual gym routine.
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When you want to boost your physical health, you go to the gym. When you want to boost your mental and emotional health, you go to the spiritual gym, according to Sincero. “Essentially, it’s a list of things guaranteed to improve your mood, mind, and outlook,” she says. “What music always gets you in the zone? What videos make you laugh without fail? What books truly inspire you? What podcasts could you listen to on repeat?” Additionally, you could also consider incorporating a few minutes of meditation, writing in a journal, making a vision board, repeating a positive affirmation, and, yes, real, sweat-inducing exercise into your spiritual workout.
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Whatever combination you choose, though, one thing is essential: “Get damn specific,” says Sincero. That means building the perfect pump-up playlist on your phone, rather than just saying you’ll put on some upbeat songs or adding a couple of soul-stirring podcasts to your library instead of saying you’ll listen to one. “Like anything else in life, you do yourself a great disservice by being vague—because we’ve all got specific things that can quickly shift our frame of mind,” she says. “It’s important to be clear on what those are and have them ready. Otherwise, you can become overwhelmed.
Treat yourself to a soothing, gentle touch.
According to Neff, self-compassion may be at our fingertips—really. “Kind, supportive touch is one of the easiest ways to care and comfort yourself,” she says. “Your body starts to calm down, and that can often pave the way for the brain to follow.”
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That’s because touch is the first, and maybe most profound, language we learn during our first few years of life (think: parents cradling upset children), which primes our physiology to respond to it. As a result, when we experience touch, pressure receptors under the skin are stimulated, carrying signals to the vagus nerve, which, in turn, slows down the nervous system, lowering heart rate and blood pressure and reducing the activity of the stress hormone cortisol. Not to mention it also triggers the release of the neurotransmitters serotonin (which contributes to wellbeing and happiness), dopamine (which regulates pleasure), and oxytocin (which promoted feelings of trust). In one study published in Psychological Science, participants who lay in an fMRI brain scanner, anticipating a painful blast of white noise, showed heightened activity in regions of the brain associated with stress. But as soon as they felt their partners’ hands, the activity level plunged in all regions preparing for the threat.
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You don’t need a partner to treat yourself to a helping hand, though. The next time you’re feeling upset or self-critical, try putting your hand on your heart as you take a few deep breaths, tenderly stroking your arm, cradling your face in your hands, giving yourself a warm hug, or cupping one hand in the other, Neff recommends. (As an alternative, you can also use a weighted blanket.) “It’s like we have this superpower in our back pocket, and we’re often not even aware we have it,” she says. “But when we use it, that makes a radical difference in our ability to cope, turn things around, and, eventually, try again.”
Do something kind for someone else.
Despite what you might have heard, money can buy happiness—as long as you use it to help someone else. In a study published in Science, researchers gave students at the University of British Columbia envelopes containing $5 or $20 and told them to spend it either on themselves or others. Not only did they find that those who spent the money on others experienced more joy than those who spent it on themselves, but the researchers also discovered that giving away just a little bit of money had the same effect on happiness as giving away a lot.
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“Doing something for someone else is one of the best ways to make yourself feel better—especially in times like this, when the world is never lacking in people who need help,” says Sincero. “Just getting out there and committing to making a change for others can have a huge impact.”
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But giving back doesn’t have to mean giving up your dimes and dollars—or even your entire weekend. Small acts of kindness can be just as effective, says Sincero. Consider serving a meal at a nearby soup kitchen, spending an hour playing with cats and dogs at your local animal shelter, surprising a neighbor with freshly-baked treats, writing a thank you note to your mail carrier, or running an errand for an extremely busy friend, or even leaving nice comments on peers' Instagram posts.
Shift your mindset.
In 2006, Stanford University professor of psychology Carol Dweck, published Mindset: The Psychology of Success. In it, she identified two core mindsets that shaped how people approached challenges: Those with a fixed mindset believed “abilities are carved in stone, that you have a certain amount and that’s that,” she told The Atlantic. In contrast, those with a growth mindset believed, “that talents and abilities could be developed and that challenges were the way to do it,” she said in the same interview. “Setbacks and feedback weren’t about your abilities, they were information you could use to help yourself learn.”
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The latter is also something all of Duckworth’s paragons of grit—most of whom are self-identified optimists—have in common. “In scientific literature, optimists are often defined as those who deal with adversity—getting cut from the team, getting fired from your job—by focusing on the changeable causes,” she says. “It’s the idea that no matter how hard this is, I will be better because of it. I will have learned something I might not have learned otherwise.” One example Duckworth provides is Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll in the wake of the team's devastating, last-minute loss to the New England Patriots during Super Bowl XLIX. “Peter Carroll was discouraged—but just for a few moments,” she says. “And then you could see his facial expression change and he was thinking, what specifically went wrong and what can we learn from it?” The next time you’re feeling defeated or discouraged, try asking yourself exactly that.
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Take small steps forward.
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Ready to get back up? Great! But you may want to consider setting your sights on smaller goals, Owen recommends. “One thing I’ve noticed among many women is they get up, dust themselves off, and make these huge goals,” she says. “And, listen, I love big, bold goals, but sometimes that can actually set us up for failure, which inevitably causes us to once again feel defeated and discouraged. To ensure that you don’t go from zero to 100 and back to zero again, Owen suggests taking your lofty goal (say, running five times a week) and asking yourself, what's the one thing I absolutely can do? (In this case, running one day per week.) Then, if that goes well, keep taking small, incremental steps toward your final goal.
If you’ve found yourself repeating self-defeating thoughts and behaviors, it’s critical to understand the root causes of where these thoughts and behaviors are coming from. Self-defeat is something you can overcome. It takes recognizing the situations in your life and past struggles that caused such a down spiral of these self-defeating patterns.
Encouraging Ourselves – Dr. Charles Stanley
Humans are creatures of habit and thrive on habits most of the time. Our brains actively try to keep us from changing our ways, from trying new things and leaving our comfort zones. However, habits do run their course. If you’re engaging in healthy habits such as brushing your teeth each morning and night, your trips to the dentist will be less painful, if at all. And then, there’s habits of self-defeat, the ones we might not recognize are hurting rather than helping us.
Have you found yourself in a situation where later, you’ve said: “I could have avoided all of that stress if I didn’t do X, Y, or Z.” After some reflection, you’ve maybe realized you have been there in the past.
It’s easy to blame it on stress, as everybody often does. You tell yourself you were stressed, overloaded with work, or not completely with the program. Maybe you didn’t get your nine hours of sleep the night before. Chances are, you’ve made costly mistakes as a result of these self-defeating thoughts and brain-engraved patterns. It might not be the first time you’ve acted impulsively because a distorted thought rang in your head along the lines of: “Who am I kidding? It’s not happening. Why bother?”
Let’s delve into self-defeating thoughts, first.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
What Are Self-Defeating Thoughts?
Examples of Self-Defeating Thoughts
Self-Defeating Behaviors and Where They May Originate
Self-Interventions to Conquer Self-Defeating Thoughts and Behaviors
Stop Feeling Defeated
Bottom Line
More About Overcoming Self-Doubt
What Are Self-Defeating Thoughts?
Thoughts can be powerful, loud, undeniable and interfere in our quest for achieving greatness. We want to live our dreams, but deep down, there’s an abundance of fears dictating our path as we trudge through life’s obstacle course.
Taking Control of Our Thoughts– Dr. Charles Stanley
I’ve been in situations where I was so close to something monumental. But, my anxiety would trip me up. Anxiety has cost me a lot and also realized it stemmed from my continuous self-defeating patterns. Now that I recognize the patterns, I’ve learned valuable lessons about not pursuing huge goals until you are 100% prepared and ready to face the challenges.
Negative Inner Dialogue
Inner dialogue is another type of process which triggers a rabbit hole of negativity. We keep reaffirming in our minds how great and amazing we are until a voice begins shouting, “YEAH RIGHT,” or, you’ve written those words in red crayon on your desk somewhere.
Whether you accept this or not, thoughts have a lot of power. Distorted thoughts play a major role in how you perceive and respond to situations or the world around you.
Distorted thoughts are false and derive from deep emotional or personal struggles and fears. Self-defeat may be an unforeseen cop-out or a way to avoid seemingly daunting challenges.
Fear of Failure
Another thing you might be subconsciously avoiding is failure. By this I mean, you could be afraid of success because you feel failure is the only realistic outcome. Once you got close to reaching a goal, you might have sabotaged something purposely and later kicked yourself hard. Fear is a funny (and ultimately destructive) thing. Our thoughts may act as blockers, to stop us from reaching a certain point in our careers or personal lives.
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It’s important to assess and problem solve what’s causing such inner conflict and leading to sabotage and loss of opportunities. Author Elizabeth Gilbert wrote all about creating without fear. When I find myself worrying about projects before they’re published or are sent off for the world to see, some days, I need affirmations. I used to psyche myself out and it stopped me in my tracks.
Every living human being has dealt with the same setbacks and failures. Without failures, you’ll have a hard time navigating the path toward success.
Self-Doubt
Self-defeat correlates with self-doubt. Unforeseen self-sabotage is a result of deeply rooted insecurities. Therefore, they aren’t unforeseen.
Our brains are programmed to protect us, to keep threats at bay. Success can feel threatening, terrifying and uncertain. To identify why you keep falling into thoughts of self-defeat, you might want to ask yourself, “What am I holding myself back from?”
Realizing that self-defeating thoughts are as unreal and futile as distorted thoughts, you’ll be on the right path toward breaking the vicious cycle.
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Distorted thoughts exist for the sole purpose of keeping you stuck in an unhealthy mindset. If not appropriately attended to and understood, these distorted thoughts run the risk of manifesting into core beliefs you bury inside of you that aren’t at all accurate. In turn, those core beliefs you twisted up become predominant in your daily life, essentially forcing you to unconsciously slam on the brakes.
A pattern is deeply routed in the brain. Our brains want familiarity and rejects anything new, different or the unknown.
That’s not always the case for everybody. However, mental down spirals, sudden lack of motivation, and overwhelming anxiety trigger self-defeating thoughts. Our thoughts turn into actions we might later regret. Awareness is only the first step toward self-improvement and emitting those destructive patterns of sabotage.
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The old me, more than ten years ago, used to give up before trying or tell myself, “I failed at X, Y, or Z, so I shouldn’t even bother doing anything else.” If that was still my mindset today, I wouldn’t have gone on to write books and publish health and wellness articles in national journals.
A strong, healthy and accurate mindset is critical for breaking the cycle and patterns of self-defeat. Without it, you’re like a car trying to run without gas. You might be able to function in a poor mindset for a while. Eventually, a negative mindset will take its toll on you and prevent you from moving forward in your career and other areas of your life.
Examples of Self-Defeating Thoughts
“I am not good enough, so why bother?”
At one point or another, we’ve all been there, possibly. The compare and contrast game is a dangerous one to play. If you’ve said, “I am not good enough, so I won’t,” it means you’ve spent not enough time focusing on your uniqueness, qualities and abilities you have because you’re looking at everybody else.
Don’t bother looking at someone else in your respective industry who is not in the place you are professionally. We all have different paths and stories. You are good enough when you do your best work.
“I’d like to try this or that, but…”
Try is a failure word. Take it out of your vocabulary. In college, years ago, I once said to someone, “I could try to write a book, but…” Already, I gave up before starting.
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Since I was a child, I was writing fiction and non-fiction books. It was that self-reflecting combined with visualization of the future that propelled me into writing novels. Sometimes, it takes some reminiscing and a vision to get the ball rolling.
“They believe I am not enough, so it must be true.”
One of my favorite young actresses said:
“Don’t worry about being someone else’s definition of enough.” — Sophia Bush
Really, it is a pointless thing to worry about. People will have their perceptions of you based on false first impressions or how they think you should be living. You know your truth and what you should be doing in your life.
If someone else isn’t happy or feels you should be doing something else, or more, or greater, they’re not worth your time or attention.
“There are so many things in my way, so I won’t bother.”
Success is not out of reach for any living being. I wish someone said this to me years ago: “Only you can stop you.” In actuality, you are stopping you. Nobody else has your power, your influence, your skills, talents, abilities and knowledge.
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Thoughts are only thoughts, and a healthy mindset recognizes the truth from the distorted ones.
Self-Defeating Behaviors and Where They May Originate
Acting Impulsively
Long, long ago, back when I had the attention span of a fly, I learned a harsh lesson regarding impulsive behaviors. I was young and operating in fight or flight a lot, functioning in overdrive and many lost nights of sleep.
One morning, I was conversing with a colleague who made a joking statement toward the creative work I was doing and interpreted what she said as a direct insult.
I was seeing a message through bleary, rundown lenses. Truth be told, I responded to the email too quickly, overlooking her insightful and honest words. My eyes were seeing one thing, but my mind perceived another. Thankfully, she realized I was under tremendous stress at the time and knew what I was experiencing in my personal life. Even so, if I had slowed my thoughts and mind down, I wouldn’t have nearly jeopardized a working relationship.
Impulsive behaviors may originate from numerous issues — insomnia, pressure to measure up, stress, lack of confidence in one’s self or work, fear of failure. The email I sent back to my dear friend and colleague wasn’t so, so bad. It was just defensive and a sign that my mindset wasn’t right.
These days, I champion a slow-moving, meditative lifestyle. Had I been doing this ten years earlier, I wouldn’t have been so defensive in my response and would have applied her words more thoughtfully.
Obsessive Compulsive Behavior
Perfection is a ridiculous thing to strive for, though I am guilty of this. I used to obsess and obsess over ensuring my work was error free until I was asleep at my keyboard.
Obsessive compulsive behavior is a form of self-defeat in the sense that you may have thought, “Until this is perfect, it’s not going anywhere.” Again, you’re stopping yourself. The strive for perfection is as deadly and destructive as self-doubt.
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Self-Punishment
Self-punishment and self-defeat go hand-in-hand. Behaviors of self-punishment may include starvation, overworking, losing nights of sleep, or not even going to the washroom and taking a break because, well, you have deadlines.
I’ve done all these things, too. It’s common not to realize you are self-punishing and are believing you’re dedicating to your craft or work.
Self-care, regardless, should always come before your work or anybody else. Without your health and vitality, success will feel like cruel and unusual punishment or torture.
I know someone who is well into his seventies and may work until he drops dead. He should be retired and is still traveling to faraway places for his company. He’s not in the best health and disciplines himself to the point of deprivation. He enjoys his work, of course, but every time I see him, his eyes are blood shot and puffy or he hasn’t eaten in hours.
Giving in to Distorted Thoughts and Making Them Your Core Beliefs
I want to emphasize distorted thoughts because they branch off self-defeat. I’ve fallen victim to the power of unrealistic and inaccurate thinking. Negative thoughts can be used as a way of protecting yourself from disappointment, heartbreak, and maybe even embarrassment as a result of fearing failure.
It takes effort to believe in yourself, especially if you’ve been in numerous situations that compromised these beliefs.
Self-Interventions to Conquer Self-Defeating Thoughts and Behaviors
Take it from someone who, for years, from the time I was a child, heard everyone determine my fate because I have health issues. I don’t have health issues all the time. Nothing has kept me from achieving my goals, short term or long term. The inner dialogue with yourself reflects your current mindset.
Recently, I wrote about self-interventions which involved meditation, self-hypnosis, yoga, and daily practices geared towards strengthening not only the body, but also the mind.
Breathe
Breathing intervenes in negative thinking. More so, it releases unnecessary tension that is stiffening your body and causing aches and maybe even physical pain. Diaphragmatic breathing slows your heart rate, eases anxiety, and slows the pace of your mind.
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Unplug
I’m not trying to blame anything on the digital era in which we live. But, I secretly have felt that I’ve been born in the wrong era. I would have loved to live in a time without the Internet, cell phones or social media. While I do use those social platforms regularly, I schedule set times each day for writing.
I unplug the Internet, quiet my cell phone, and work outside. This daily discipline keeps my mind engaged, enriched, moving slower, and calm.
Respond, Instead of React to Life
To clarify, when I speak about mindset, I’m not talking about being positive. What I’m talking about is ensuring your thoughts are in the right place, in wise mind.
Wise mind means you are mentally and emotionally neutral, balanced and mindfully navigating though situations in life. You’re not acting out, acting impulsively or making decisions on the fly. You’re calm, thinking thoroughly through things, and checking yourself before wrecking yourself.
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Bottom Line
Distorted or unrealistic thoughts should never morph into core beliefs about yourself. If you succumb to distorted thoughts, you’re also self-sabotaging because you let these thoughts dictate your path in life.
Instead, rewire your brain using the self-interventions I listed above so you can recognize your fullest potential and live the life you deserve.
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