Why do narcissists like to punish you?

 If you have ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you likely have fallen victim to the numerous punishment tactics they use to control and manipulate. These relationships can be dating, parental, friendship, or occupational.  Anytime you are in close contact with a narcissist who might see you as a threat to their well-being, you can become a possible target to their punishment. 

Narcissists have unstable senses of self which means they easily fall victim to their own insecurities.  As a way to protect themselves, they must keep those who are likely to impact their unstable sense of self at a distance through control and manipulation.  In order to do this, they have numerous punishment tactics readily available they can pull from as needed.

Narcissists employ the many different punishment tactics throughout their life and learn which ones are the most effective for the different scenarios they encounter.  Narcissists are experts at watching those around them, learning which buttons to push, and employing the punishment tactic that will work best for them.  While a narcissist may seem to not pay attention to your wants and needs, they are very much in tune with what makes you upset.  They are excellent observers of those around them, but only to a degree that serves them best. 

When a narcissist can keep you confused, they can better manipulate you.  By distorting your sense of reality, they can create a reality for you that serves them best. 

Here are 5 punishment tactics narcissists use to keep control of you:

1. Gaslighting: Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the goal of the person engaging in the gaslighting (abuser) is to have the recipient or recipients (victims) doubt their truths. The targeted individual(s) may question their reality and doubt their own memory and perception due to the manipulation exerted by the gaslighter. Within relationships, gaslighting often presents itself with the abuser accusing the victim of being “crazy” or “sensitive” when the victim questions the abuser’s words and actions. Because the manipulation by the abuser is subtle and covert, it is not obvious that manipulation is occurring when the victim questions things.
2. Silent Treatment: The silent treatment is when the narcissist refuses to communicate with you.  It is used as a punishment to restore the power imbalance the narcissist feels when you have done or said something they do not like.  By becoming silent, the narcissist has shut down all communication about the issue and they are now in control.  As a way to resume interaction, the non-narcissistic partner will often apologize for their alleged wrong because only then will the narcissist begin talking to them again.  The issue remains unresolved and the narcissist gains an upper hand by the apology from the victim even when the fault was with the narcissist. 
3. Rage: Narcissists are insecure and when there is a narcissistic injury to their sense of self, they will rage. This is often done with yelling and insults hurled at the victim. During these rages, the narcissist can be the most damaging in their words. They want the other person to know how much they are hurting and will do anything to hurt them the same way they feel hurt. Narcissistic rage is also used to shut down any communication and further injury to their sense of self.
4. Projection: Projection is an unconscious way of denying something inside you and attributing it to someone else.  It is a defense mechanism by which a narcissist can turn the focus from themselves and onto someone else.  The narcissist doesn’t have the tools to appropriately take responsible for their own emotions and behaviors so they deflect it onto someone else.
5. Blame-shifting: Because narcissists have an unstable sense of self and are prone to narcissistic injury they will shift blame to others because they cannot appropriately respond to a sense of self-blame. To blame yourself means you take some responsibility for an outcome.  Narcissists cannot take responsibility for their own actions due to the feelings of self-hatred that may come with blame, so they shift the blame onto someone else. The blame-shifting is another way in which narcissists can protect their unstable sense of self.

Through these 5 punishment tactics, the narcissist can regain control in a situation and remove all responsibility from themselves.  When the other person is seen as the problem the narcissist can protect themselves against narcissistic injury.  When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it is never about you, but how they can control and manipulate you to protect themselves. 

At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment.  Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.