Although narcissists act superior to others and posture as beyond reproach, underneath their grandiose exteriors lurk their deepest fears: That they are flawed, illegitimate, and ordinary.
We know from research and foundational theory about narcissism that narcissists develop a "false self" or “as-if” personality to hide their fears and failings.
Narcissists who grew up over-empowered come to expect that the world will treat them as special as their parents did, without them having to do anything to merit such treatment.
Narcissists who grew up under-empowered live on a treadmill of self-aggrandizement, seeking to cover their shame for falling short of the impossibly high standards their parents placed on them.
In either case, narcissists live behind an endlessly-under-construction facade designed to procure attention and special treatment while obscuring failings and weaknesses they dare not confront.
Narcissists are frightened, fragile people. Rejection, humiliation, and even the tiniest of defeats can shake them to their core.
This leaves narcissists wholly focused on their image. They believe that how they are viewed by others, and how they view themselves, will shield them against realities of life that few of us like but most of us come to accept. Realities such as:
- None of us is perfect.
- We all have our limitations.
- We can’t get everything we want.
- There will always be someone younger, prettier, richer, or more successful.
- Ultimately, we all age and die.
Loath to acknowledge such universal truths, narcissists rarely admit, let alone embrace, that to be human sometimes means having doubts, feeling lonely, making mistakes, and living with despair. To narcissists, such experiences are seen as weak, which they cannot allow.
As a result, narcissists live constantly on guard, viewing everyone as potential competitors. Narcissists’ strategies may differ—they may become blowhards, exhibitionists, charmers, or martyrs—but the goals are the same: to prevail every single time while always avoiding loss of face.
Ensconced in spinning a version of reality most favorable to them, narcissists tend to lie and misrepresent so readily that they become convinced that whatever they utter in the moment is true and right. To many around them, such conviction can be persuasive unless you spot the underlying man-behind-the-curtain dynamic.
If such an existence sounds lonely and exhausting, it is. But narcissists, like many species of sharks, cannot stop moving or they will perish. In their never-ending quest for attention and gratification, they manipulate, bully, and boast. These tactics and projections inevitably offload narcissists' unclaimed loneliness and exhaustion to those around them.
For those of us with narcissists in our lives, knowing all this can be freeing. Understanding narcissists' dread of looking bad can help us have compassion for their excesses and lack of empathy.
Recognizing their terror of being unmasked can help us understand why their rage can be triggered by the most benign of events.
Understanding their fear of being seen as ordinary may help explain their inability to meet others on an even playing field or seek win-win solutions.
Yet having compassion for and understanding of narcissists does not take away from our responsibility to protect ourselves from narcissistic manipulation and abuse.
When you interact with narcissists, ask yourself what the costs are. Consider whether those costs are worth spending a minute more than necessary around an unhealthy narcissistic person.
Narcissists will nearly always find others to feed their egos. You don't have to be the meal. Your time, attention, presence, emotional health, and self-esteem are precious gifts. Bestow them wisely.
Copyright © 2020 Dan Neuharth PhD MFT
An earlier version of this post appeared on psychcentral.com
References
Kohut, H. (2009.) The Analysis of the Self: A Systematic Approach to the Psychoanalytic Treatment of Narcissistic Personality Disorders. (Rev Ed.) Chicago, IL: University of Chicago Press.
Deutsch, H. (1942.) Some Forms of Emotional Disturbance and their Relationship to Schizophrenia. The Psychoanalytic Quarterly, (11) 301-321.
Winnicott, D. W. (1960). The Maturational Process and the Facilitating Environment: Studies in the Theory of Emotional Development. New York: International Universities Press.
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