Can A Narcissist Be Faithful And Find True Love?
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BY CHRISTINE-MARIE LIWAG DIXON/AUG. 13, 2019 4:16 PM EDT
Love is hard. Loving a narcissist, though, is even harder. If you've ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you've probably found yourself wondering if a narcissist is capable of being in a healthy relationship. Is it possible for a narcissist to be faithful? Are narcissists able to find true love?
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (via Psychology Today), narcissists lack empathy and are "unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others." This means that a narcissist is virtually incapable of finding true love or even wanting to because they are unable to truly understand what another person needs. A narcissist might be charming on the surface, but they're always going to put themselves first, which is bound to lead to an unhappy relationship.
Narcissists who end up in relationships are more likely to cheat on their partners. "The narcissists of the world need a lot of validation from those around them, so often get their needs met from flirting, or being loved from outside," psychologist Jacqui Manning told Mamamia. "Often, for a narcissist one person is not enough."
Manning added that the need for attention, combined with the lack of empathy, is a perfect recipe for cheating since narcissists don't understand how painful it can be to be cheated on. "They don't know what's it's like to feel sad, and because of this they're likely to be repeat cheaters," she said.
If you find yourself attracted to a narcissist, it's safer to stay away. If you're already with a narcissist and find that the relationship isn't fulfilling your needs, it's time to break up. It might be tempting to try to reform a narcissist, but you're better off finding someone who will appreciate you and treat you with love and respect.
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How To Know If Someone You Love Is A Narcissist
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BY CRYSTAL HENRY/FEB. 13, 2017 10:08 PM EDT/UPDATED: DEC. 10, 2019 3:28 PM EDT
In an age of selfies and social media, it's easy to see why the term narcissist is liberally tossed around. But just like other personality traits such as kindness or empathy, narcissism isn't something you either have or you don't. Instead it's a trait that lives on a spectrum, with one end being fairly benign and the other end being categorized as a full-blown disorder.
It's a spectrum almost everyone falls on at some point, and the very fact that we even brush our hair or get dressed in the morning shows that each of us at least cares a little about how the world perceives us. Almost everyone knows someone who carries themselves with an air of superiority or who feels entitled to certain things. In fact, according to psychiatrist Dr. Ayo Gathing, most successful people in history can attribute their accomplishments at least in part to narcissistic traits.
But what happens when a person has too many of those traits, or they have narcissistic tendencies so severe that their lives or personal relationships are impaired? There's a big difference between someone who loves to hear themselves talk, and a person who actually has what's called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. So we asked the experts to weigh in on what exactly defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and what — if anything — people can do if someone they love is a narcissist.
What symptoms do narcissists present?
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Dr. Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent, told The List that, although about a third of the population are narcissists, people who are diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are actually quite rare. In order to diagnose NPD, a person must exhibit at least five of the nine criteria laid out by the Diagnostic Manual For Mental Disorders 5th Edition. And the symptoms must impair one or more aspects of their life.
Narcissists exaggerate their own importance
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Dr. Gail Saltz, a psychoanalyst and author of The Power of Different: The Link Between Disorder and Genius, told The List it is very common for highly successful people to have narcissistic traits. However, just owning one's own success does not a narcissist make. Some extremely successful people may be confident in their abilities, but classifying them as narcissists is inaccurate unless that confidence has no foundation.
Dr. Saltz, who has shared her expertise on Yahoo! News and CNN, said she knows people speculate about certain celebrities having narcissistic traits all the time, but saying they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder might not be accurate. A CEO of a successful company might recognize his or her own charisma and take pride in their negotiating abilities. Being self-absorbed can give people the personal focus they need to succeed. But narcissism only comes into play when these abilities are overestimated. A narcissist not only owns his or her accomplishments, but has an arrogance that leads them to think they are above others and that they have accomplished more than they actually have.
Narcissists may have a preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, and romance
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Dr. Ayo Gathing, who authored The Modern Trophy Wife, said some narcissists are obsessed with their idea of a perfect life. They might describe their relationships as "fairy tale romances" or they think they will live happily ever after no matter what. They believe that they will have some magical good fortune like winning the lottery or becoming an overnight star or finding extreme success. These ideas consume them, and they believe they will get these things because they are owed.
Narcissists may think that they are superior to others
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Because the narcissist exaggerates his or her own importance in the world, they also see themselves as better than most other people. The Modern Trophy Wife author Dr. Ayo Gathing told The List narcissists tend to only associate with those who they feel are equally special or who are in the upper echelon of society.
That arrogance is the difference between owning their own strengths and becoming narcissistic. It's that sense that they are superior that leads them to treat people poorly if they consider them to be beneath them. Waitstaff and assistants are usually the ones who most often bear the brunt of the narcissist. But narcissists often try to make their partners feel inferior as well, behaving as though other people just aren't as smart or talented as they are and sometimes becoming angry when they don't feel others are rising to their level.
Narcissists often demand attention and admiration
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Maintaining an inflated ego of such a great magnitude isn't an easy job for one person. Dr. Ayo Gathing said narcissists often need constant admiration and affirmation from those around them that they are smart, attractive, or talented. If they don't get the admiration they crave, they can withdraw or even throw tantrums to get sufficient attention.
They simultaneously disregard the effect of their behavior on other people, yet highly value others' opinions. The narcissist often can't handle it if other people don't think they're as great as they believe themselves to be.
Narcissists tend to have an unreasonable sense of entitlement
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Narcissists feel entitled to better treatment because they believe they are truly more special than others. Melanie Tonia Evans, founder of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, said this can even manifest in a relationship as infidelity.
The narcissist feels entitled to getting everything they want regardless of the effect on other people, so they will place blame on their partners, rationalizing and twisting facts to fit their distorted reality. They are known to frame situations and lies so that their partner feels like they might be the one who is responsible.
Narcissists take advantage of others
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Dr. Ayo Gathing told The List that narcissists often exploit other people to get what they want. They might enter a relationship with someone they aren't interested in just for money, fame, or status. But they have no problem ditching that person as soon as they get what they want, or if those selfish expectations aren't being met — regardless of how it makes the other person feel. They are users, draining people of resources without regard to that person's well-being, often leaving a shell of the former person in their wake.
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program founder Melanie Tonia Evans, who specializes in narcissism recovery, said narcissists truly think they are deserving of everything that is yours, whether that means resources, time, possessions, or energy. They use people up like objects and toss them away once they've been reduced to a shell of their former self. The narcissist is merely trying to use other people to fill a never-ending void within themselves.
Narcissists have a lack of empathy
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This is the trait that psychotherapist Dr. Fran Walfish told The List is the true test of a narcissist, and also the trait that stands in the way of change. "The true marker for a narcissistic personality is someone who is missing the component of their personality that has the ability to imagine the impact of their own behavior on other people," she said.
Psychiatrist Dr. Ayo Gathing said that people often mistakenly assume that narcissists have a total lack of empathy to the point of sociopath behavior, when that typically isn't the case. Most narcissists have a shred of empathy, but they get in their own way. They are so into themselves that it's hard for them to recognize other people's ideas or feelings as valid. They don't necessarily want to hurt people, but they don't often realize — or particularly care — if they do. That's what makes it hard for a narcissist to get help on their own. They rarely see the validity of someone else telling them that they are the problem.
Narcissists often envy others
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The narcissist is both envious of others and believes that others are envious of him or her. Psychiatrist Dr. Ayo Gathing told The List that the key component and cause of narcissism is insecurity. Deep down they are so worried that they aren't enough that they overcompensate. They mask that quiet voice of insecurity by loudly proclaiming their own success.
But it's just a coping mechanism, and that same insecurity breeds extreme envy in narcissists. Most of them truly don't think they are successful or beautiful or powerful enough, so when they see another person succeeding, it's like salt in that insecure wound. They think that if another person has success that it takes away from their own success. When confronted with bad behavior, narcissists will often rationalize that the critic is simply jealous of them. They simply don't want to see their own shortcomings.
Narcissists are arrogant
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Arrogance is probably the easiest attribute to identify in a narcissist. But again, psychoanalyst Dr. Gail Saltz said being arrogant does not necessarily mean the person has NPD. The difference is when that arrogance negatively affects their life. Not being able to keep jobs or maintain relationships is the true test as to whether a person is a narcissist or is just a little full of themselves.
What causes a person to be a narsissist?
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There are debates as to what exactly causes a person to become a narcissist. Is it nature, nurture, or a combination of both? Psychoanalyst Dr. Gail Saltz said there is no real answer, and it is most likely a combination of genetic pre-disposal to certain personality traits and external triggers.
However, Dr. Fran Walfish told The List she firmly believes the narcissism seeds are planted in early childhood, and parents can be forming those tendencies in their children as early as the toddler days. Either a parent is too harsh on the child, never being satisfied with anything the child does to the point that their love feels conditional, or they are too indulgent, building a false sense of entitlement in their child. It's the teacher's fault if the child makes a bad grade, or the coach is an idiot for not starting the child on the soccer team.
Narcissistic parents tend to see their children as an extension of themselves, so they often demand perfection or see perfection that isn't there. Because of that, they are more likely to raise narcissistic children.
Siblings can help abate narcissistic tendencies
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As controversial as it sounds, psychoanalyst Dr. Fran Walfish said children who grow up without siblings often emerge into adulthood with a thread of narcissism because they never had to share their parents' attention or defer to another person on their level in the household.
The letdown and disappointment that siblings sometimes experience actually helps them deal with conflict as adults. That doesn't mean that all only children are narcissists, of course — just that they are more susceptible to narcissistic tendencies.
Parents need to balance praise with responsibility to avoid turning their children into narcissists
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Another trap parents fall into is not giving their children enough responsibility. Psychoanalyst Dr. Fran Walfish told The List that doing chores and cleaning up their own messes are essential developmental lessons for children. Those who escape these responsibilities during childhood become adults who harbor a sense of entitlement, which could potentially lead to them becoming narcissists. They have an expectation for others to pick up their slack.
Dr. Walfish said the personality begins to truly take shape by the time a child is 7 years old. By adolescence, their character and personality have solidified, and it takes more work to chip away at the powerful defenses they've built up. Psychiatrist Dr. Ayo Gathing told The List that kids who grow up privileged or without confidence suffer the most. "The number one tip I give parents is don't be afraid to make your child upset," she said. It's healthy to let kids feel disappointment, so that they learn early on about ways to deal with those feelings. Letting them fail in a safe place where they are loved unconditionally is the best way to help them build confidence.
Parents should balance support and model empathy, but let children know when their actions or behaviors need to change. The love is unconditional, but their actions have consequences. Dr. Gathing continued, "I always say they're already human. Teach them to be humane."
To avoid raising narcissists, parents should give focused attention to their kids
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Psychiatrist Dr. Ayo Gathing said parents have moved away from constructive criticism to pacification. It's easier to hand over a tablet to make their kids happy than it is to spend a few minutes talking to them.
She tells parents to put their phones down, turn off the TV, and spend 20 minutes just talking to their kids. Being in the same room doesn't mean that time spent together has value. She said parents who give their kids individual attention have children who grow into healthier, more secure adults.
Narcissists are, in a way, masking an injury
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Psychiatrist Dr. Ayo Gathing shared that narcissistic personalities are big and loud because they are attempts at quieting deep insecurities. At the core of every narcissist is someone who is hurting. She said narcissists by nature don't take criticism well, and they commonly lash out at the person who is trying to help them. They often suffer from addiction because they try to use something they can control to mask their pain.
It's like a person whose leg is caught in a bear trap, but they pretend that the trap is a fancy accessory. When someone tries to call them on their behavior, it's a direct jab to that injured leg and they'll often lash out with all their might, not unlike a wounded animal. It's almost a fight or flight instinct for them to try and defend that injury. If someone in their life tries to tell them that they might have a problem, narcissists often fly into a rage and, instead, say anything they can in order to hurt that person. In other cases, they completely shut that person down and refuse to talk to them.
Is narcissism treatable or curable?
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Psychoanalyst Dr. Gail Saltz said NPD is one of the most difficult disorders to treat simply because the very nature of the symptoms prevents people from seeing the benefit of treatment. One approach is to have their circle of friends, family members, and co-workers gently show them concrete ways that the disorder is harming them. Talking about how it's impairing their work and relationships or how it's resulting in constant anger or depression can sometimes nudge the sufferer in the right direction.
But Dr. Saltz stresses that it is very hard to get someone to see these points without taking them as a criticisms. She usually sees NPD patients come to treatment for other problems like depression. They get tired of constantly feeling disappointed and that extreme sense of self-preservation is sometimes what saves them. They can start treatment for depression, but an experienced therapist can begin to make progress on the narcissism at the same time.
She said the narcissistic traits a person exhibits greatly affects their chances of success in therapy. A person with a lot of impulsivity is more likely to bolt if they hear something they don't like in a session, making it difficult to keep them in treatment.
What if someone you love is a narcissist
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People throw the term "narcissist" around to describe people they know — even celebrities are labeled as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder because of some of the traits they exhibit. But Dr. Gail Saltz said it's impossible to diagnose NPD without proper evaluation from a professional. However if someone you love exhibits some of these signs and it's affecting your life, then it's time for a change.
How you can get help if you're with a narcissist
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Melanie Tonia Evans, Narcissistic Abuse Recovery founder, told The List that once a person has determined that he or she is in any type of abusive relationship, the first step is to seek therapy — and not necessarily therapy for the narcissist.
Self-empowerment is the best tool for a person who is dealing with a narcissist. By nature, narcissistic behavior tears others down, and it's hard not to listen when someone constantly berates you or points out your faults. You'll need strength whether you stay and try to help or you decide to leave.
Care for yourself as you deal with the narcissist in your life
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Confronting a narcissist is like going into battle, and it's the ultimate example of tough love. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery founder Melanie Tonia Evans said the first order of business is to do some strength training to empower yourself and build up the self-confidence that the narcissist has broken down. The second part is to make sure you have a support network of trusted family and friends to lean on. You need an army of people who know about the abuse and who are there to support you if you decide to leave.
Dr. Ayo Gathing said to be prepared for the narcissist to lash out when confronted, but to stay strong and don't take what they say to heart. Realize this is a wounded person who is reflecting their own self-doubt and self-loathing back onto you.
Gaining independence from a narcissist
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Narcissistic Abuse Recovery founder Melanie Tonia Evans said partners who are being abused should make sure they have money and living arrangements secured in case they need to leave. They should see a domestic violence agency for advice and resources, and they should also be prepared for a volatile aftermath.
Being independent and able to take care of oneself takes vital power away from the narcissist. The narcissist may try to make their partner's life miserable by destroying his or her reputation, or by lying and even faking remorse to draw their victim back in. Preparation is the key to overcoming the brutal backlash.
Confronting the narcissist
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Dr. Gail Saltz warns people to approach narcissists with caution. The knee-jerk reaction most narcissists have to criticism is to lash out and shut down. She said that, rather than being combative or playing into their ego, the best approach is to come from a place of genuine concern for their well-being, specifically pointing out the ways you see them suffering. Use "I" statements and tell them it hurts you to see them losing friends or getting fired from their jobs. Even this can be seen as a criticism though, so expect a big push back. But consistency, patience, and sincerity are the best tools.
Dr. Ayo Gathing told The List the amount of empathy the narcissist lacks must be reflected ten-fold from the person confronting them. Empathizing with the narcissist and understanding that they are hurting can help partners gain perspective. But it doesn't mean that the narcissist's actions don't have consequences. Understanding the behavior isn't the same as excusing it. Empathy and reflection are tools to combat the symptoms of the disorder. Calmly let them know that if they say hurtful things or behave violently, you will not be able to have a relationship with them.
The narcissist needs to want to change
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Balancing self-care with empathy is the job of the person who is asking for a change. But the responsibility to change falls completely on the narcissist. Psychiatrist Dr. Ayo Gathing said they must be highly motivated to change, and that unfortunately doesn't happen often. Most of the time change starts because the narcissist hits rock bottom in their romantic relationships, in their family life, or at work.
Stress that this concern for their well-being comes from a place of love, and ask how they see things. "It's one of the hardest disorders to get people to gain insight on," Dr. Gathing said. The challenge is that the narcissist lacks the ability to have introspection. But that's the only thing that can help them overcome the black hole of their disorder. It's like asking someone who is nearly blind to read an eye chart in order to restore their sight. It's incredibly difficult, but not impossible.
How much are you willing to take to help a narcissist?
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Narcissists are drawn to all types of personalities, and all types of personalities can be drawn to narcissists. When two narcissists are drawn together, it's typically a volatile combination that self destructs quickly. The most common pairing is the narcissist and the person with very low self-esteem because it's easier for the person with low self-esteem to believe the criticisms of the narcissist, Dr. Ayo Gathing told The List. But that is also the most toxic combination. The person who will typically have the best success of igniting a change is someone who is very secure in themselves. A person who is patient and loving, but who can also set healthy boundaries, is the person who might see results in their partner.
Psychotherapist Dr. Fran Walfish said the first step is seeing if the narcissist might budge. If there's too much rigidity and the possibility of change is slim, the victim of a narcissist has to ask themselves whether they are honestly prepared to give more in the relationship than they will ever get back. If they choose to adjust their expectations and "accept crumbs instead of a whole slice of pie," then those letdowns and disappointments won't sting as badly.
"But do you really want to do that?" Dr. Walfish asked. "I think everyone deserves an equal full slice of the pie."
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People To Avoid For A Healthier Relationship
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BY LILLIAN MCTERNAN/JAN. 3, 2018 2:02 PM EDT/UPDATED: DEC. 17, 2020 1:55 PM EDT
Relationships, it's safe to say, can be one of life's most vexing challenges — for many people, it's right up there with other anguish-inducing, soul-shredding things like infertility or job hunting. It's hard to know what kind of partner to look for, where to be looking, and what should signal that we shouldn't start a relationship at all. How can a savvy, smart gal avoid getting into an unhappy relationship in the first place?
Maintaining a good relationship comes down to a lot of factors, including the type of person you're beginning a relationship with in the first place. In many cases, it comes down to listening to your instincts when something seems off or troublesome, but there are also some specific red flags to watch out for, as well as specific types of people to avoid. To get all the details, we spoke to the experts to get some insight. Here are the people to avoid if you're looking for a healthy relationship.
People who are controlling and jealous
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Two of the biggest red flags to watch out for in a relationship are jealousy and control. As the experts at Clinical Psychology Associates of North Central Florida note, there's a difference between mild jealousy and pathological jealousy: while mild jealousy is somewhat common and often motivates couples to protect their bond with their partner, pathological jealousy is destructive and consuming.
As clinical psychologist Andrea Bonoir, Ph.D., explained in Psychology Today, "A partner's jealousy can be flattering in the beginning; it can arguably be viewed as endearing, or a sign of how much they care or how attached they are. When it becomes more intense, however, it can be scary and possessive."
In these sorts of situations, a partner's jealousy is often tightly intertwined with control, and as psychology professor Lisa Aronson Fontes, Ph.D., explained in a separate article for Psychology Today, this can sometimes cross the boundary into what's called coercive control. In such situations, one partner uses coercive control to strip away their partner's "independence, sense of self, and basic rights, such as the right to make decisions about their own time, friends, and appearance."
So, then, what's the best way to avoid finding yourself with a jealous or controlling partner? Bonoir recommends looking out for signs such as veiled or overt threats, making their love or attraction conditional on your behavior or appearance, using guilt as a tool of manipulation, spying or snooping, and making you feel unworthy of their love, among others.
Narcissists
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Defined by the Mayo Clinic as "a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others," people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can be, according to social worker Sherri Heller, among the most toxic types of partners, since "they are addicted to being admired and having control over their source of 'supply'."
The relationship with their partner is that source of supply, and, as Heller notes, "The narcissist will gaslight, rage, abandon, triangulate, devise smear campaigns and pathologically lie and cheat to achieve their ends." These situations can be maddening to people in relationships with narcissists, and they often find that their self-confidence is steadily eroded by their partner.
How can you best avoid winding up with someone like this? Heller explains, "A major red flag with a narcissist is how adept they are at seduction. When a narcissist targets a source of supply, they will hone in on exactly who they need to be to seduce their prey."
Heller also recommends paying attention to how you feel when interacting with your partner: things like doubting your own perceptions, for example, may be a sign that a narcissist is trying to gaslight you, as are "insinuations of abandonment or stonewalling" when you try to assert a healthy boundary. Ultimately, if someone seems too good to be true, they probably are.
High-conflict personalities
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Unlike NPD, high-conflict personality isn't a clearly defined disorder — but according to the Psychological Care and Healing Center (a licensed residential treatment center based in Los Angeles), high conflict personalities "initiate and receive reward from conflict with others.... They appear to treat conflict as normal and expected in their interactions, to a point at which conflict becomes a defining aspect of relationships." They are especially good at deploying tactics like escalating conflict and blaming other people.
As social worker and divorce lawyer Bill Eddy told me, this tendency to trigger, not resolve, conflict usually gets worse with time. Eddy explained that it is usually characterized by all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions, extreme behaviors or threats, and consistently blaming others. However, Eddy noted, "These characteristics aren't always easy to spot." Additionally, people tend to conceal these traits until a partner has committed to them, so they may be kind, charming, and wonderful until they feel the relationship is safe enough to let their mask slip.
Because it can take six to 12 months before you see these traits, Eddy recommends waiting at least one year before making any big commitments such as getting engaged, getting married, buying a house, or having a child. Eddy also told me that it's important to listen to what your emotions — not your rational brain — are telling you about your partner, and to watch out for any attempts to justify treating people with disrespect or hostility.
Emotionally reactive personalities
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Natalie Stanish, a marriage and family therapist, also recommends steering clear of emotionally reactive personalities — people whose behavior is defined by an inability to effectively regulate and manage their emotions. Such people, Stanish explained, are "easily triggered; they get very angry, frustrated, sad, irritable very quickly, and [they] make a very large fuss or cause a large argument over something that doesn't warrant a large reaction."
While sometimes a strong reaction is warranted, emotionally reactive personalities will have reactions that seem disproportionately forceful for the situation at hand — which, in turn, can make relationships difficult.
This is because it can be hard, if not impossible, to have productive discussions when emotional reactivity becomes an issue, notes clinical psychologist and marriage counselor Randi Gunther, Ph.D., in an article for Psychology Today. While there are many reasons why a person may have such disproportionate reactions, Gunther notes that "what is always true is that no real understanding or resolution is possible when reactivity is prevalent."
People who fear commitment
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When it comes to commitment-phobes, we all know the stereotype: any mention of commitment sends them running for the hills. However, Natalie Stanish, a marriage and family therapist, told me that it can be a bit more subtle. People can show their fear of commitment while still being in a relationship, and they do so by avoiding making long-term plans, having discussions about the future, putting a "title" on the relationship, or telling their friends and family about your relationship.
Dr. Berit Brogard explained in an article for Psychology Today that for people who avoid commitment, their "fear usually is connected with making a promise to another person." She also expanded on Stanish's list of things to watch out for, noting, "Making plans for the future that are not strictly required is a major cause of fear for someone who suffers from commitment phobia." They may avoid conversations about defining the status of the relationship, and "even the relatively innocent words 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' will signify more commitment than they are capable of."
Brogard also noted that people who are afraid of commitment tend to not have many close friends, can be unpredictable, and use a lot of modifiers — such as "maybe," "probably," and "possibly" — when talking.
Rigid, closed-minded people
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Stanish also told me that people who are rigid, inflexible, and closed-minded are folks who don't make ideal partners. As she explained, such people have extreme, black-and-white opinions about many things, tend to quickly shut down or dismiss your ideas, and will avoid asking about, or getting more information on, your opinions, thoughts, or beliefs.
As a result, she said, "these people won't be very willing to compromise or work together." Since compromise and teamwork are fundamental aspects of a healthy relationship, it's worth staying away from people whose rigid, inflexible thinking patterns keep them from being able to do this effectively.
Furthermore, according to a Psychology Today article written by Lisa Firestone, Ph.D., being in a relationship should expand your world, not shrink it. For people with rigid beliefs and behaviors, constriction can quickly become the name of the game, to the detriment of the relationship.
"It actually hurts the relationship when we stop being free and open to developing new shared interests," Firestone writes. "It can foster real resentment between partners. While no one should force themselves to do things they really don't want to do, shutting down the part of ourselves that seeks new experiences and responds to a spark in our partner can drain us of our aliveness and spontaneity."
Constant critics
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There's a big difference between constructive feedback and nitpicking criticism, and social worker Kristen Okrzesik says that if your partner is constantly telling you what not to do — or, conversely, not supporting what you do want to do — then "this can be a sign that they want to change you to their liking."
Furthermore, people who put you down, make fun of you, call you names, or otherwise criticize you in ways that are denigrating or make you feel bad are, most likely, not people with whom you'll have a healthy relationship. Okrzesik recommends paying attention to how the other person makes you feel: "when you are hurting, stressed, or dealing with frustration, are they supportive, or do they make you feel worse?"
Stephen Stosny, Ph.D., explained in Psychology Today that criticism can cross the line into being destructive when it focuses on character (as opposed to a specific behavior), infused with blame, not focused on improving a situation or behavior, based on only one 'right way' to do things, or belittling.
Such criticism often "starts out on a low key... and escalates over time," Stosny writes, but this pattern can send a couple into a downward spiral filled with ever-increasing resentment: "the criticized person feels controlled, which frustrates the critical partner, who then steps up the criticism, increasing the other's sense being controlled, and so on." So, if your partner seems to find little ways to criticize you, be forewarned: this can escalate into a bigger problem.
Martyrs
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Social worker Sheri Heller told me that martyrs are another type to watch out for: "Always victimized and persecuted, the martyr will implicate you along with the rest of the world, for their troubles. Martyrs wear suffering like a badge of superiority. No one has it worse than them. They are sitting on a mountain of repressed rage."
Why do martyrs do what they do? In a Real Simple article, Dallas-based psychologist and life coach Pam Garcy, PhD, explained that "They overdo it because they want their personal world to feel better.... They're seeking fulfillment, connection, and a sense of importance." In the same article, Sharon Martin, a psychotherapist in San Jose, California, said that "typically, martyrs don't know how to validate and love themselves very well.... They feel that their value is in serving others — so if they stop doing that, they will have no value.'"
How can you avoid getting involved with a martyr? As Heller noted, "red flags to look for are excessive self- virtue, feigned innocence so as to avoid accountability, glorifying suffering, paranoia, passive-aggressive maneuvering."
Charmers
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Aaah, charmers: confusing beyond all reason, and often equally destructive. Charm — especially superficial charm — can be used to mask dark, dangerous traits like narcissism and even psychopathy. As Heller told me, "the charmer uses veiled contrivance to entice their target into satisfying his/her agendas. People who are cloaked in charm conceal their vulnerability and awkwardness."
In cases of narcissism, the charm is used to throw people off and keep them from questioning their partner — but in cases of psychopathy, it's even more insidious. Psychopathy is marked by a lack of conscience, and for these people, "their game is self-gratification at the other person's expense," wrote Robert Hare, the psychologist whose research led to the creation of the Psychopathy Checklist, in a 1994 article for Psychology Today.
What differentiates normal, everyday charm from the kind that should set off alarms? As Hare noted, psychopaths are often highly talkative and seem to have an amazing way with words: "They can be amusing and entertaining conversationalists, ready with a clever comeback, and are able to tell unlikely but convincing stories that cast themselves in a good light."
As Heller also told me, "Charm used to manipulate is intimidating and passively aggressive. If you are in the presence of a charismatic, alluring person and feel pressured to yield and succumb to their 'requests,'" then you may find yourself in the company of a manipulating charmer. Again, if someone seems too good to be true, they probably are.
Read More: https://www.thelist.com/89238/toxic-relationship-habits-people-think-healthy/?utm_campaign=clip
