How Yelling at Kids Could Harm Them
Hey parents: Raise your hand if you've ever yelled at your kids (this is the Internet; no one's looking). After you've made your ten-trillionth request to "please stop torturing your little sister," it's easy for enlightened parenting techniques to evaporate in a cloud of overwhelmed frustration. Result: yelling.
The problem is, yelling never feels good, for anyone. When was the last time you felt better after someone yelled at you, or you yelled at them? New research suggests that yelling at kids can be just as harmful as hitting them; in the two-year study, effects from harsh physical and verbal discipline were found to be frighteningly similar. A child who is yelled at is more likely to exhibit problem behavior, thereby eliciting more yelling. It's a sad cycle.
If you're a parent who frequently yells at your kids, see if any of these excuses resonate:
But... my kids don't listen if I don't yell. "Kids are actually going to listen less when you yell at them," says Joseph Shrand, Ph.D., instructor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and author of Outsmarting Anger: 7 Strategies for Defusing Our Most Dangerous Emotion. "As soon as you begin to raise your voice, you activate their limbic system, which is an ancient part of the brain that's responsible for, among other things, the fight-or-flight response." The result may be the opposite of what you're hoping for, as your kids will freeze up, fight back or run away. Try communicating a request instead of a command, and see if you notice the difference.
But... shouting is the only way I get respect from my kids. It may seem like shouting garners respect, but it actually does more harm than good. "You're basically saying, 'You have no value to me,'" says Shrand, "and a human being, in their heart of hearts, simply wants to feel valued by another human being."
But... if I don't yell, they won't take me seriously. Yelling generates fear, not respect, so yelling at your child may actually be a form of bullying. Instead, try Shrand's "Stop, Look and Listen" method: Stop what you're doing. Make eye contact with your kids, showing them they're valuable. Then listen to what they're saying, talking with them, not at them. "It's much cooler to discover who your kid is than to try to mold them into who you want them to be," he observes.
