How Much Should I Tell My New Partner About My Past Relationships? | Jenni's Corner
Is it bad to talk about exes in a new relationship?
You might feel awkward discussing exes with your new partner, but having an honest conversation with them about past relationships is perfectly healthy. It can bring you closer together and help you to better understand your significant other, and vice versa. Plus, the way that your girlfriend or boyfriend talks about exes can be extremely revealing.
Obviously, your S.O. shouldn't still have feelings for their ex if they're with you now. But if there wasn't a lot of time between the breakup and when the two of you started dating, or if you ever feel like your boyfriend or girlfriend compares your bond to a past relationship of theirs, that could be a red flag that your partner isn't over their ex.
MORE LIKE THIS
A young lesbian couple cuddles in bed while wearing sexy, warm pajamas
With These PJs, Your Night Just Got A Whole Lot Sexier
BY SYDNEE LYONS AND MARGARET BLATZ
Madelyn Cline and Chase Stokes' relationship history is chill.
Chase Stokes And Madelyn Cline's Relationship Timeline Is Dramatic
BY CORINNE SULLIVAN AND HANNAH KERNS
Lil Nas X revealed he dated his "That's What I Want" co-star Yai Ariza in summer 2021.
Lil Nas X Confirmed He Was Dating One Of His Dancers And Music Video Stars
BY CIANNA GARRISON
DON'T MISS A THING
Be the first to know what's trending, straight from Elite Daily
Straight Talk: Should You Share Past Relationships? || STEVE HARVEY
enter your email address...
Submit
If you're worried that your S.O. isn't over their ex or that they might still be involved with a past partner, it's important not to jump to conclusions without speaking to them. It’s incredibly natural to wonder what it means when a guy talks about his past relationships or a girl references her ex in conversations. However, there are a number of signs to look out for that might indicate your S.O. is talking about exes too much or in an unhealthy way, from subtly shifting the conversation to blatantly ignoring your questions about the breakup.
Elite Daily spoke to relationship experts about the most common red flags to be aware of when it comes to talking to your current partner about their past relationships. Here are the top seven.
01
They’re Vague Or Secretive About Details Of The Breakup
If your partner talks about their ex in a sketchy way, that's concerning.
STOCKSY/LUCAS OTTONE
"Sometimes it's what they don't say," says couples therapist and relationship expert Tracy K. Ross, LCSW. "You don't have a clear understanding of why the relationship ended, what wasn't working for them, how the breakup occurred, and whether or not they have any contact, [or] they make a point of not mentioning their [ex’s] name."
If you feel like your partner is always vague when the subject of their ex is raised, there may be a reason why they aren't telling you the whole truth. Withholding information can be a big red flag, especially if you've asked your S.O. to talk about their past relationship and they've still avoided the topic.
Talking to Your Partner About Your Sexual History
02
They Seem Uncomfortable When Their Ex’s Name Is Mentioned
If your partner seems either "too interested or uncomfortable when their ex's name comes up in conversation, either when you are with others or when you're alone," that could be a red flag, says Ross.
One troubling sign to take note of when your partner talks or hears about their ex is if they look physically uncomfortable or upset, according to relationship expert Emily Holmes Hahn.
“Someone who's able to maintain open body language, a positive tone of voice, and objective opinions during this conversation is usually someone no longer looking in the rearview mirror,” Holmes Hahn previously told Elite Daily. “It's also someone who wants to show you that they were ready to commit in the past and are not suppressing any dark secrets about their romantic history."
Trying to play something off like it isn't a big deal often means it is. Especially if your partner's most recent relationship was pretty serious, the way they react to mention of their ex can reveal a lot about how they truly feel.
03
They Make Comparisons Between You And Their Ex
This includes making subtle comparisons as well as blatant comparisons, according to Ross. They might also "mention qualities in their ex that you clearly don't have," she says. Drawing parallels between you and an ex isn't a great sign. Your boyfriend or girlfriend should love and respect you for who you are, not for how similar or different you are to their ex.
Telling my BF about my Ex ... How Much to Share, What to discuss | Smile With Prachi
"If you have a feeling you are the rebound person or aren't sure what it is about you they really like or value, pay attention to that," says Ross. "Your significant other should bring out the best in you."
04
They're Nostalgic About The Old Relationship
What does it mean when your partner talks about their exes too much? It could spell bad news for you...
CONSTANTINIS/E+/GETTY IMAGES
If you feel like your partner idealizes their ex in specific ways, such as saying, "They were the best at this," or "The one thing I do miss is..." that could mean there is "a sense of nostalgia where their ex is concerned," says Ross.
They might also "talk about activities they miss that clearly involve their ex, even if they don't reference them directly," she adds. This behavior could be an indicator that your partner is still hung up on their last relationship.
Keeping photos of their ex on their phone might also be a sign that they are not fully over the previous relationship. "The frequent reminders of the person ... keep us from mourning the loss of the relationship," clinical psychologist Dr. Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., previously explained to Elite Daily. "The result is being stuck in between being with them and moving forward."
The Ultimate Test For A Healthy Relationship
05
They're Angry Or Sad About The Breakup
Other signs to look out for include if "they are overly critical of their ex, you still feel the anger when they talk about them, or they become emotional — angry, sad, etc. — when their [ex's] name is mentioned," says Ross.
While opening up about being hurt in a previous relationship isn’t necessarily a red flag — if anything, it could be a sign that your partner is emotionally intelligent and stable enough to talk about it openly — it’s important to keep in mind that past traumas can still affect the present.
"If your partner talks about being blindsided in some way by their ex, either by the breakup or a revelation, you should beware there may be some residual effect," Ross says. Even if this doesn’t spell doom for your relationship, it might mean you have some things to work through as a couple.
06
They Still Seem Connected To Their Ex
If your partner goes out of their way to stay in contact with their ex's friends and family and justifies this contact if you question it, they may still be connected to their ex, according to Ross.
Maintaining mutual friendships is one thing, but if your partner seems overly invested in their ex's social circles or even goes as far as putting themselves in situations where they're likely to run into their ex, you might want to talk to your S.O. about their intentions.
The Conversation That Can Ruin A New Relationship (Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy)
"Pay attention to your internal compass," says Ross. "If something makes you uncomfortable, doesn't feel right, or causes you to question, don't ignore it — address it."
07
They Blame Their Ex For The Breakup And Take No Responsibility
When a guy talks about his past relationships and takes no responsibility, he's not owning his past....
ESTUDIO13G/MOMENT/GETTY IMAGES
Aside from simply talking about their exes in an unhealthy way, there are also some red flags to look out for that might mean your partner's past relationships were unhealthy in general. If "your partner talks about how [they were] wronged by the ex, how they were a victim, [or if they give] examples of how they weren't treated well, and the angle is blaming the ex [rather than] questioning why they put up with that kind of relationship," that should be on your radar, Ross says.
When "it's all criticism of the ex and no responsibility on their part, no nuances — black and white thinking," that's not a healthy way to deal with a breakup — and maybe they aren't yet ready to be in a new relationship. "You should beware of falling into and repeating the same patterns [as in past relationships]," says Ross. "Listen to what they are telling you, and if possible, have an honest conversation about what the hook was in that unhealthy relationship."
Talking about past relationships can provide you with important information about your partner's needs, patterns, blindspots, and connection style, both healthy and unhealthy. If you ever feel uncomfortable about the way your S.O. talks about an ex, don't be afraid to initiate a productive conversation. The sooner you get it out in the open, the easier it will be to let the past go and focus on building a strong future together.
5 First-Date Moves That Make Him Want More (Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy)
Why you shouldn't talk about your ex on a date?
You’ve heard people say how bad it is to talk about your ex on your first date but you can’t seem to understand the reason why? Don’t worry, you are not alone.
I’ve been there too where I can’t help but talk about my ex all the time until I realize I only ruin my chance to get to know this new person that’s right in front of me. While we can argue that this doesn’t happen just because we still can’t move on from the ex, our date will most likely think that it’s the case.
It doesn’t matter whether you just broke up 3 months ago or 3 years ago, talking about your ex the first time you meet someone new, even if you don’t necessarily badmouth them, is still not a good idea. Here’s why:
7 Brutal Dating Mistakes That Turn Men Off
1. You will Give the Wrong Impression
“Who cares about what the new person will think? If they like me, they like me, right?”
Yes, I agreed on not giving too much damn about other people’s opinions but hear me out, first impressions matter more than you think. Especially if you really like this new person, you certainly don’t want to give them an impression that you aren’t over your ex yet.
Think about it, you go on a date with someone new and they keep bringing up their past relationship more than once during the date. Even if they always say “I’ve moved on completely” at the end of their sentences, you won’t believe them. Why? Because your brain will constantly convince yourself that they haven’t.
And guess what happens next? You’ll become less interested in them and step back from their existence because you think there’s no room for a new person like you in their heart — just yet.
Why Women Talk About Their Ex | #1 Signs She's Into You | Dating Advice For Men
2. It’s Harder to Let Go of Your past Relationship
When you are about to meet someone new, it indicates that you open up your heart again to someone else other than your ex. You start believing again after having your heartbroken.
Unfortunately, we all know trying to move on from our ex can be hard sometimes especially when the person has been in our lives for so long. It definitely takes time to get used to their absence.
So this is why talking about your ex on your first date isn’t a good idea because it makes your mind travel back to the past and if you are like me who gets emotional easily, it can be hard to shake those thoughts off and redirect your focus on the present again.
3. Lack of Respect for the New Person
One time I went out on a date with this guy and to be honest I was excited. He seems nice, and while we got along pretty well, there’s something that kept bothering me that night but I couldn’t see what was it.
7 Red Flags In Dating You Should NEVER Ignore
By the time I reached home, I sat down and began to ask myself why did I feel that way. After long digging, I finally noticed that I felt annoyed every time he talked about his ex (both in a good and bad way). Whatever story he was trying to tell, it felt like he needed to involve his ex so that the story can be valid — even when some of them are completely irrelevant.
While this thing didn’t make me block his number the next day, I began avoiding him because at that time I felt disrespected by his action. In my mind, I was literally okay listening to his stories but not to the point where every conversation had to include his ex which he claimed he has moved on a long time ago.
So as you can see, sometimes we can hurt people without we even realize it and before you lose your chance to be with someone new that you really like, it’s better to leave your stories about your ex in the past because that’s where they belong.
10 RED FLAGS IN DATING (WARNING!!)
4. You Won’t Be Able to See the New Person as Who They Really Are
I’ve seen this happens a lot where people say, “my current girlfriend/boyfriend is so much better than my ex” While this can be true, you shouldn’t compare your new partner with your ex. They are completely two different people and they are too have their own bad sides.
This mostly happens for people who jumped into a new relationship so quickly right after they broke up. So it’s not a surprise if they keep talking about their ex on the first date. However, if you want your next relationship to be healthy (and fair), it’s highly recommended to set everything right from the beginning and one of them is to take out the ex conversation on your first date.
Another negative impact that can happen from your new partner's side when you talk about your ex on the first date is that they will most likely try to match your expectations. If your ex is a jealous type of person, then this new person will try not to be jealous even if they actually are.
Should you allow your partner to be friends with their Ex?
So eventually this will lead to disappointment and the hard time you are having to see the real them — not based on your expectations.
Parting Words:
As Cortney said on Psychology Today,
The truth is that humans operate in patterns. And the biggest predictor of future behavior is past behavior. In that vein, we will repeat the same mistakes in all of our relationships until we change.
There are ways to improve your love life for the better and I still strongly believe that closing the chapter of your past relationship, this includes your behavior of talking about them to someone new in your present life, is necessary.
It shows how serious you are to get to know them in the first place because, to be honest with you, nothing feels better to go on a date with someone who’s truly open with the new chapter and free their mind from their failed past relationships.
What to Talk About During A Date | 5 First Date Conversation Starters
Speaking about your exes on a first date might sound like a terrible idea.
But, if you can do it in a healthy, mature way, you're probably doing yourself a favour.
How your new partner speaks about their past can be very revealing, and could show some ugly personality traits if they are overly critical.
Or, if you can both be honest without feeling uncomfortable, you might have the basis for a great relationship already.
You can never predict how well, or how badly, a first date will go. You might end up being side-barred, or simply not feel a spark. If things do seem to go well, there's no guarantee they'll even respond to your texts afterwards.
In several countries around the world, bringing up an ex on a first date is considered to be a bad idea. However, according to psychologist Susan Krauss Whitbourne from the University of Massachusetts, avoiding the topic of previous relationships can back you into a corner, especially if it comes up at a later date.
#1 Rule For A Perfect First Date (Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy)
She told Elle that it might seem like a small lie at the time to say you went on holiday "with a friend" rather than your ex-partner, but it might not go down well if you have to change your story in the future.
It's a good idea to think about why you'd want to keep it a secret in the first place. If it's because you're concerned about making your new love interest jealous, then that's probably a red flag they aren't right for you.
On the flip side, if your date is bringing up their ex at every available opportunity, then that might be a sign they're not ready to move on yet.
Bringing up the past in a mature, healthy way can actually be very revealing, Whitbourne said.
FOR YOU
Top First Date Tips for GUYS
MARKETS
A young couple accumulated 30 rental properties in less than 2 years. They share how they got started on their first property and quickly scaled without using their own money.
"You want a partner who's securely attached," she told Elle. "That means they're not intrusive, and not dismissive."
In other words, if you do bring up an ex partner in casual conversation, someone who is secure will ask an appropriate amount of questions — they won't probe too far, or brush off the conversation like it never happened. If you can get through the conversation with neither of you squirming, that's probably a good sign.
Also, how your date speaks about their past relationships can be a predictor for how they might treat you. For example, psychologist Elinor Greenberg told Business Insider that people tend to follow patterns, and whatever they have done in previous relationships they are likely to do again.
"If you listen carefully to how your new lover describes his or her important previous relationships and how he or she speaks about their exes, you can learn a lot about how this person is likely to treat you," she said.
7 First Date Tips for Men - Avoid these 7 common mistakes...
"When people describe all of their exes as terrible people and put all the blame on them for the relationship's failure, this is a red flag for me. It practically shouts: 'I cannot take any responsibility for whatever went wrong. I have not learned anything from these relationships. It is totally up to you to make our relationship work.'"
It is also likely to mean they are unable to see people in a realistic way, and may be prone to idealisation. They probably thought their exes were perfect at the start of the relationship, but since breaking up they are only able to see the bad things.
"Either they have a knack for picking the absolutely worst people with whom to be in a relationship, or they are seeing all of these people in a very distorted way," Greenberg said. "If they could not see anyone before you realistically or make any of these relationships work, they are unlikely to be able to do it with you."
When should you talk about ex dating?
There comes a point in every burgeoning relationship when you have to fess up about your past—little biographical details like how you used to rob banks, or that decade you spent in a cult, or, if maybe your life has been slightly less adventurous, who you used to date. Of course, it's that last one that can be surprisingly tricky to talk about. When and how to bring up your ex, or exes, is a delicate issue that can often stress out all parties involved, if for different reasons.
Image may contain Human Person Dating Chris Messina and Glass
Did he just say he always used to come here with his last girlfriend?
5 First Date Tips For Men | Courtney Ryan
I can't imagine that men and women vary much in this regard. While on one hand we are definitely curious about your romantic past, especially about that preposterously handsome, square-jawed fellow who pops up in an alarming number of your old Facebook photos, we are also worried about what sort of act we're trying to follow. If your last boyfriend was a deadbeat 36-year-old who lived on his mom's couch and regularly "borrowed" your ATM card without telling you, we might feel good about our chances at impressing you. Or we might be worried that one small act of carelessness on our part will send you spiraling into romantic PTSD. But if your last boyfriend was a wealthy entrepreneur who worked as a part-time runway model when he wasn't volunteering at the children's hospital, well, then the less said the better. In any case, it's a conversation that has to be handled with care, especially with regards to timing. Based on my own experiences, here are four potential moments in the relationship for bringing up your ex, and what you might expect from each:
__
Option 1: Tell All Immediately__
For my money, this is the worst possible option. If a guy is only just getting to know you, the last thing he probably wants to hear about is the guy who came before him. Especially if you've remained friends with your ex. Yes, we guys are a curious bunch, but the fact is it's information we just don't need to hear yet. We're curious about what's in our hot dog too, but we don't ask about it. We enjoy the thing in blissful ignorance. A relationship still on its Bambi legs won't benefit from our imaginations running wild. There is almost no scenario on the first few dates in which our minds won't doctor what you say about your past relationship into "something we have to worry about." For instance, the fact that you were romantically incompatible with your ex but remained friends because he's a great guy—a perfectly valid and healthy situation—will immediately translate in our minds into: She's really in love with him, and it's only a matter of time before she figures it out and ditches us. The beginning of a relationship is fraught with enough insecurity without throwing more fuel onto that fire.
Option 2: Tell All Much Later On
WATCH
The Classy Ladies Guide to Dating | 5 Tips for a Successful First Date
Couples Review Each Other’s First Year on Facebook: Best Moments
ADVERTISEMENT
This actually isn't much better than unloading everything in the beginning. If your past relationships were relatively banal and ended without drama, then this might be fine. But relationships are rarely banal, and waiting too long to tell us about them might make us feel like we've been railroaded. Wait, you dated that Derek Jeter? Suddenly a relationship that you thought was going smoothly has been shaken like a snow globe. It's not to say that it won't recover, but why create the stress when it could have been if not avoided, at least softened. And how do you soften it? Well, one tactic is to...
Option 3: Wait to Be Asked
...wait until you feel comfortable enough with him to ask about his ex, or until he asks you. This is always a solid approach. Eventually most guys, if they're serious about wanting to be in a relationship with you, will get curious. And often this will happen at the right moment in the relationship because it means he's starting to feel comfortable with you. And surely by this point your curiosity has peaked as well, so the conversation can come about in an organic way that involves you both talking about your exes. Asking and answering questions in a natural, two-way dialogue is hard to beat. Especially when you've logged enough time with each other to have developed a solid rapport. Of course, sometimes that rapport needs to be juiced a little bit, which leads to the tactic of…
Option 4: Release Little Bits of Info Along the Way
5 DATING MISTAKES EVERY GIRL MAKES *game changer*
Waiting to be asked about your ex, or trying to judge when to ask about his, can sometimes be hard if no scraps of info have been offered about them. After a while, you might begin to worry about what the answer will be if he's been super tight-lipped. Or you might get frustrated when you are two months in and he still hasn't brought up the subject of your dating past. Which is why releasing occasional, innocuous bits of your previous relationships into conversation can be a great catalyst. "Oh, I had a boyfriend once who was really into rock climbing," or "I dated a guy who was a big Cowboys fan," that sort of thing. Pepper conversations with those tidbits every now and then and eventually he'll bite. And once he does, you both can finally release the floodgates without putting too much strain on the burgeoning relationship.
Having things happen organically is always the best route to take, but as women often understand better than men, organic occasionally needs a little push. In the end, all of those important details are going to come out. Do it right and the dreaded "exes conversation" could actually help strengthen your relationship rather than derail it. Plus, it'll ease the stress for when you finally tell him about your life as a spy.
Is OK to talk about past relationships?
The last thing you want to hear out of a partner's mouth is the name of his or her ex -- but talking about an ex doesn't always signal romantic doom. In fact, it can help build a solid foundation for your current relationship.
Experts say the individual growth that leads to healthy, stable relationships begins with heartbreaks, and one of the best ways to turn past disappointments into future relationship successes is to share these experiences with your new partner.
ADVERTISEMENT
Dating and Relationship advice for girls | saharrooo TikTok Compilation
But how should you broach the subject? If you've kept in touch with your former flames on social media platforms such as Facebook, you've got an easy in, said Dr. Linda Young, a psychologist and senior fellow at the Council on Contemporary Families.
"There's your opportunity to talk about something that happened a long time ago," she said. "It will, chances are, resurrect some feelings around that relationship. It's not a bad thing. In fact, it can be helpful to discuss it with your current partner."
But dredging up stories of past flames can be treacherous, and it's worth taking the time to think about how to do it right. Here are seven things to know before talking about an ex with your partner.
Recalling past relationship mistakes makes you less inclined to repeat them.
ADVERTISEMENT
When you've been dumped, areas of the brain associated with addiction as well as physical pain light up, said Helen Fisher, chief scientific adviser to Match.com and a senior research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. Human brains have evolved to "attach" to other people after forming romantic bonds. When a relationship ends and that attachment severs, there's a huge emotional and physiological hit. After that, brain regions associated with processing what happened fire up.
What To Do On A Date
AN ESSENTIAL DAILY GUIDE TO ACHIEVING THE GOOD LIFE
Subscribe to our lifestyle email.
address@email.com
Successfully Subscribed!
Realness delivered to your inbox
"People will go through long periods after they've been dumped or after they dumped somebody asking, 'Why did I do this? What did I lose? What did I gain?'" Fisher told The Huffington Post. "The brain really does remember this, and it remembers this forever. You remember the ones that got away. It's entirely possible that the brain is built that way so that you can remember why it didn't work so that you can do it better the next time."
Talking about past relationships can give your partner insight into who you are.
Aside from the evolutionary benefits, talking about your exes can help you communicate to your new partner how you grew into the person you are today. Often, romantic relationships serve as learning experiences that let you test the boundaries of your interests and needs. Reflecting on a past relationship can even help you find out something about yourself that you may have missed during the relationship and breakup.
Should I Tell My Ex I'm Dating Someone New?
ADVERTISEMENT
"I think every experience can help form your character," Dr. Karen Finn, a divorce coach with The Functional Divorce, told The Huffington Post. "With partnerships, oftentimes you're spending so much time with that person and have so much more intensity that they have a chance to be a greater influence than other things are in shaping your character and shaping your responses."
Candid, focused conversations build trust and encourage open communication.
The American Psychological Association encourages those who have gone through breakups to focus on the positive aspects and outcomes, rather than banning talk of exes completely. While it's ideal to hash out all of your strong emotions before entering a new relationship, the ability to speak freely with your partner is important.
"Unless you're able to share what you've learned, it’s like hiding a part of yourself," Finn said. "Does that mean that you need to share every last sexual encounter you've had and the intimate details of it? No. There are appropriate levels of sharing."
Young, Finn and Fisher all recommend keeping details to a minimum. Simply explain what happened with the ex, what you learned and where you are now. Of course, every couple is different, and you'll have to gauge your partner's curiosity and comfort level -- you don't want to inadvertently make him or her feel as if you're either not over your ex or using your ex as a benchmark by which to measure your new partner.
When it comes to talking about an ex, timing is everything.
The beginning of a new relationship may not be the best time to drop the ex bomb. Finn explained that there's no hard and fast rule when it comes to timing, but you probably want to give a relationship time to develop before adding in any emotional third parties -- i.e., avoid talk of your ex on the first date. Take it from Finn: "One of the biggest turnoffs that people have when they're starting to date again after the ending of a romantic relationship is going out with someone that can only talk about their ex."
If you want to get your brain geared up for a new attachment, Fisher explained, you need to build your partnership and put the past aside for at least a little while so you two can have your own set of experiences and goals.
Remember that perception may not match reality.
When Fisher polled a representative sample of 5,000 Americans for Match.com recently, she asked people how long it takes them to get over an ex and found the average answer was about three months.
FIRST DATE KINDA NERVOUS!
ADVERTISEMENT
"But you know what? It's one of the few things I didn’t believe," she said. "I actually don't believe that. I've seen people take 10 years."
However long it may take you to get over an ex, how you talk about that person when you're in a new relationship can reveal a great deal. If you're still grieving over an ex, that can create a barrier between you and your current partner and signify that you're not "over it."
"If you're continuing to talk about an ex in ways that are not indifferent and that person is out of your life, that suggests that you really aren't over that person, you aren't ready to move on and it's not time to have a serious relationship with a new person," Young said.
You can still have fond memories of your exes and bring them up occasionally, but be wary of spending too much time dwelling on the past, Young warns.
Know that the reason you're talking about your ex is to move forward, not backward.
Once you've shared the lessons of past relationships with your partner, it's best to continue to get to know him or her, form a new bond and create new memories -- don't let your current relationship stagnate. There's always more to learn about the relationship at hand, so you'll need to give it as much attention as possible.
"The bottom line is that you have to build a new relationship," Fisher said. "The best way to do that is to start with the two of you right now."
